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I called my mom last night and she was asking about my husband's doctor appointments. (He's had a bunch lately) I didn't say a word about the consultation with the Uroigist next week. One convo we had before Jeff and I married was about kids and gradkids. I just told my mom we didn't want kids and she freaked out. She was shocked. I don't want to tell my family about it, b/c I'm afraid it will upset them. (My husband doesn't tell his family everything, he's always done that)
Should I go ahead and tell my parent's about our plans? My mom didn't want me even to see my husband b/c of our age difference. (22 years) Now she all shocked that we aren't having kids? I don't understand it. Some advice?
I dont' think it's any of their business if your husband chooses to have a vasectomy. Although I do know that my dad had one when they were done having kids and he has told me it isn't a big deal if my husband gets one some day. My parents and I talk about a lot of stuff I'd rather we not, but usually they do the talking and i just kinda bob my head and space out. I dunno, i guess it really depends on the relationship you have with your family. I know when i was seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, DH's family knew b/c i was in and out of the doctor's, having surgeries and stuff. And it didn't bother me, but he also didn't go into detail about what was going on with my womanly parts to his mom, either.
If you've always wanted kids and now aren't planning on having kids, I could see how your mom could be shocked about the decision. And probably a little let down if she had her heart set on grandchildren. At some point, she'll probably ask about you having kids and then you can discuss it further. Even if it will upset them, I think they'll figure it out in a few years when you haven't gotten pregnant, esp since your husband is in his 40's. Your mom likely has some viable concerns. I know my mom would be and we are close enough that we'd have a frank discussion about it.
Again, all depends on your relationship.
EJS4y8 is right...it's none of their business. You don't owe anyone an explanation and there is no need to announce anything.
When people do ask you can say "We're not having kids." No need to go into details.
NO NEED FOR DETAILS! That is a very personal matter. They know you dont want any, some parents look forward to that but they need to come to terms you will not.
Think about it this way- do you talk to her about your current birth control methods? Because unless you're currently giving her a play by play on your means of protection, then I don't think she would have any reason to expect you to tell her this either...
I would stop telling them about all the doctor's appointments. It's really none of their business. Most especially the vasectomy. Would her reaction change your mind at all? Probably not. Would it put a strain on your relationship? Most definitely. Since you've already expressed your desire not to have kids, I don't think you need to tell her more. At this point, she has the info she needs, she doesn't need to know HOW you're not having kids.
I agree. Don't tell them about doctor's appointments, and don't tell them about the vasectomy. It's really none of their business. Once you tell them, you'll open up a huge can of worms.
Yup, not their business. My mom had her tubes tied and didn't tell most of the family, my dad had a vasectomy (dunno if the family knew), and nobody knew my grandfather had a vasectomy until years and years after he passed away. Just let them think you can't have kids (which you technically can't, just don't elaborate why!)
Yea it sucks that they won't have grandkids, but this is your and your husbands decision. If you've decided that you don't want kids, I don't think it's any of your mom's business to know about your husband's medical procedures. Plus, you've already let them know that you dont want kids.
I'm sure your mom is sad and disappointed, but this is your life and if you're doing what makes you happy, that's what counts.
My opinion is that your husband's doctors visits and vasectomy are not your family's business (at all!). To me the decision of whether to have kids or not etc are very personal decisions that will be made by FI and I alone.
Thanks to all who replied.
My mom and I do talk about stuff like this, but all she knows is the only form of protection we use which is condoms. My sister went on the Pill and I've tried a few without success. (She and I have been talking about going on the same Pill) My mom does NOT know that I'm trying to get on the Pill. She doesn't know that I want it after my husband has the Vasectomy either. I know it sounds weird, but I just want the Pill to balance out hormones, shorten my cycles, and such.
My husband wants the Vasectomy simply b/c he doesn't like to wear the condoms in the first place. I understand his feelings. It feels strange to me too. He's also doing this b/c he knows he won't have kids in his lifetime.
I didn't want to go under the knife myself, b/c I've always had the desire to have a child and with the Pill, I know I can later in life if I wanted too. With my husband's age and such, we both know that when God calls him home, we'll have made the right choice for us.
I think that is personal and not something you need to discuss with your mom. As some point if she asks about tha lack of kids, despite you telling her you don't want any, you can always just say we are unable to have children without going into further details. Let her think it's a medical problem.
slicey19 I don't agree with you. I have a few medical issues that I deal with everyday and not having a child shouldn't be considered a "medical problem". Lots of couples can't have kids for medical reasons and knowing that I might be able to have a child, isn't something I consider a "problem" If children were "medical problems", then we'd all be just that....."problems."
I cannot believe you posted your response and referred to a child as a "problem" much less a "MEDICAL PROBLEM"!
I'm not sure you read sliceys response correctly. I think she was saying that you could let your mom believe there is a medical problem ie why you can't have children.
I think its a fairly common term if not a medical term that not being able to bear children is a medical problem. Your body is not functioning as it should aka a problem.
go4me77,
Hmm, it seems to me slicey19 didn't refer to a child as a medical problem, but rather was commenting that you can let your mother think you have a medical problem that doesn't allow you to have children. (because you seem uncomfortable sharing with your family your decision to prevent having children.)
Whatever you decide, I hope your family respects you and your husbands' decision!
I think it's fine to leave out the details about how you aren't going to have kids... but, since she already knows about the doctor's appointments, might be harder to cover up. What did you say when she asked you about them?
Regardless, I think keeping it as simple as we don't want to have kids will suffice.
I'm in the same boat as you (don't want kids) and it's funny to hear the reactions of people when they inquire.
I'd say - talk to your hubby about what he feels comfortable with your family knowing. If he's ok with it, and you feel like you want to share the info, then it's ok and it might help them not continually inquire about it in the future.
I don't think slicey19 meant that children were medical problems, she meant to say that by not elaborating on why you don't have children your family may begin to believe there is a medical reason as to why not.
And I wouldn't say anything if you don't want to be bombarded with questions and comments and unasked for advice. However, you say that you may want to have a child later in life so that is why you are goign on the pill. I don't know if it can be reversed, but isn't it not possible to have a child later in life if your husband has a vasectomy?
yeah you definitely misunderstood slicey. your mom may be more sensitive that you can't have children versus you won't. not everybody's sexual plumbing always works right and most people are tactful enough to not press you for exact answers (is it your uterus, eggs, tubes, etc etc) because it's very personal.
I think a lot of wise women have responded to this thread. Three options:
1. tell all details and likely fight a lot
2. "We've been trying (you could make an argument that having sex is trying and leave out the part of why it isn't happening, letting her think you're infertile)
3. say nothing. I vote for #3.
flbeachbride my husband is 45 and I'm 22. Chances are he will die before I do. I can always remarry and have a child with another man. The pill would be easy to change, as the Vasectomy would not. I have a few reasons for going on the pill...hormones, shorter cycles etc and yes, it would prevent pregnacy. I know that the Vasectomy would prevent that as well, but I myself don't want to go under the knife. My husband doesn't mind it, because he knows that he may not live too many more years and is sure of his choice.
oracle My husband has had other doctor appointments for Sleep issues and a Bone Test, so the Vasectomy wasn't just the only appointment we had on the calendar. I told her about the other appointments, but just left out the Vasectomy appointment. My parents don't have to come down to the hospital after the surgery if they don't want to. We do have his parents or we could just have it be the 2 of us.
Not trying to judge or anything here but that seems really risky that you are betting on your husband to die soon enough for you to remarry and have children with another man.
If your husband is 45 and assuming in good health, say he has another 20 years to live on the low side. That puts you at 44.
I understand why you wouldn't want surgery yourself and understand your choice for not wanting children with your husband. I just have a really hard time that you do want children yet are betting on when your husband dies.
One thing to consider- if you're going to be on the pill anyway, is it necessary for him to get a vasectomy as well?
Just to be clear to all who post.
*I don't want anyone to think I'm infertile. I assume I'm not, but I don't know for sure. I don't want to find out the hard way either.......
*I don't want anyone to think I have a medical problem. I have enough on my plate. In a few weeks, I'm going for an MRI for my shoulder that got messed up in the car accident I had last year in Feb.
*I can always remarry another man after my husband passes on. Nothing says I can't and have a child then.
*The pill is reversable, a vasectomy is not.
*We can always adopt a child in a few years and love that child like it was our own.
guitargirl The Vasectomy would give us a fool proof way to not get pregnant. If I forget the Pill, it leaves the door open for a child to be made. I can always go off the Pill and we'd still have his Vasectomy to prevent pregnacy.
caszos I'm not betting on my husband to die. I just know that we all die at some point. If I never get to have kids with any man, I will still be happy. I'm happy now without kids and just enjoying the two of us time.
I've just always thought I'd have kids some day, but the more I think and look into it. It scares the hell out of me to give birth and to be responsible for raising a child for 18 years. I'm worried I won't be a good mom to the child. That fear has somewhat turned me away from the idea of having kids. I can see now, that I am happy with just my husband. I'm happy with the lifestyle we have and how it is easy to just be the two of us.
Maybe I overreacted to slicey19 post. Ladies, you have good points on this issue. I think many of you think I'm taking the easy way out by not deciding what I want to do on this issue or that my husband is taking the high road on this b/c I don't want to go under the knife.
I don't think I'm being selfish, but I just don't think kids are for me at this stage in my life. I have all I need in my husband.
@go4me: I'm not where you saw people calling you selfish? Most of the posters said to keep your mother out of any part of the discussion.
babyboo I was referring to some of the other comments I've gotten from people in public. I didn't mean anyone on here. Sorry if it offended anyone.
She's your mom, I'm sure she will support whatever your decision is if it makes you happy. Maybe just explain it to her so she'll understand. Maybe also let her know that you two are not the first couple in the world who are opting out of having children. Many couples live full and wholesome lives without offspring. It's not unheard of in this day and age. Having said that, you're not necessarily obligated to tell her about the vasectomy, since that's a subject that's between you and your husband. If you want to share with your mom, then you should. But don't feel that it's your obligation to let her know about it. Good luck!
You're talking about your husband as if he is 70-something. 45 is not close to death, so I guess I'm just concerned for you that you think you want to keep your fertility because he will die and you will be able to re-marry and have a child. It sounds like you do want children. I am sure your mother has these same concerns for you. So I'm going to go against the grain and say you should talk to your family about the vasectomy to make sure it is the right choice for you and your husband.
I don't think its any of her business what birth control options you use. I think you are making a pretty mature decision to have him undergo the procedure as he clearly doesn't want kids and you might one day. There is no way at 22 I was ready to have kids although I had the same "someday" thought - I hope that if you do someday decide you really want them, that you are able to do so.
Honestly, I guess I am of the mindset that what happens in somebody's bedroom is none of anybody else's business (as long as nobody gets hurt, it's not illegal, etc). I'd just not say anything - if they bring it up say that you choose to keep that part of your relationship between the two of you and you don't want to talk about it (ok, so maybe a little nicer but you get the drift). I honestly think it's incredibly rude for ANYBODY to ask about someone else's reproductive habits and they deserve whatever answer they get - lol.
Bella :)
If you don't want to have kids, then keep to "I don't want to have kids" not turn it into "We're not able to conceive" because you really are just choosing not to. As someone who is likely not able to conceive, its rubbing me the wrong way. No huge issue but if you stick to the truth it will be easier than lying because it will open a whole new can of worms...adoption, foster parent, surrogates, etc.
I am with Pendola, probably best to stick with the truth but I am also with most other Bees and say not your family's business. Don't tell if you don't want to.
Now that I said that, One of my best friends is going thru a similar situation, say yours fast foward 15yrs. Her hubby is 23yrs older, had his vasectomy and was all she ever needed, not ever wanting to be a mom until her 36th bday. Something just clicked and she now wants to be a mom. Vasectomies can be reversed and she could do IVF and even he is willing too ( not excitedly though) but the 20k+ and the difficulty of the procedures are holding them back. She is realizing it's not going to happen and she is battling a bit of depression over it.
Sad story and doesn't mean it WILL be you but something to think about. Many women and me too change they're mind and for those women a less permanent option is best.
FYI, a vasectomy is very much reversible, my father had two, and I would not be here if they weren't! A full hysterectomy is not, however.
@miss hunky: very few women get hysterectomies in order to stop having children, they get their fallopian tubes cut and tied so the egg can no longer drop. However, a vasectomy is much less invasive and more likely (but not always) to possibly be reversed. I wouldn't count on either procedure being reversible.
Haha I'm not saying they aren't reversible, just that it isn't something you should count on. There are two different vasectomy procedures to choose from, and one is more reversible than the other. Also, the longer you wait to reverse it, the lower the chance you will conceive. Check here for more info if you would like!
Lol, I googled the same site. It actually says there have been some that were successful after 40 yrs. Obviously, like everything medical, it won't work for everyone, but why throw in the flag without even trying? Thats all I was trying to say.
Hey! I am in the saaame boat with you, but with my boyfriend. We've been together 1.5 years, we talk about marriage, kids, etc...and we are both on the same page, NO KIDS!!! He's 12 years older than me; they never had kids and he's to the point in his life that he doesn't want kids. And I just have never wanted them. We both don't really like them either (except in small doses).
Well, he wants a vasectomy and I'm all for it. When I told my family, they freaked out and were like, "that's such a huge decision, I think you're making a mistake, what's life's meaning w/o kids..." blah, blah, you name it.... it's irritating.
We have discussed it, and have both agreed that it's none of their business. People always think they know what's best for you, when really they have no idea. Family is the worst about it too. I say it's none of their business. AND if you want to tell them, then they should respect your decision. Period. :)
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