Post # 1
I called my mom last night and she was asking about my husband’s doctor appointments. (He’s had a bunch lately) I didn’t say a word about the consultation with the Uroigist next week. One convo we had before Jeff and I married was about kids and gradkids. I just told my mom we didn’t want kids and she freaked out. She was shocked. I don’t want to tell my family about it, b/c I’m afraid it will upset them. (My husband doesn’t tell his family everything, he’s always done that)
Should I go ahead and tell my parent’s about our plans? My mom didn’t want me even to see my husband b/c of our age difference. (22 years) Now she all shocked that we aren’t having kids? I don’t understand it. Some advice?
Post # 3
I dont’ think it’s any of their business if your husband chooses to have a vasectomy. Although I do know that my dad had one when they were done having kids and he has told me it isn’t a big deal if my husband gets one some day. My parents and I talk about a lot of stuff I’d rather we not, but usually they do the talking and i just kinda bob my head and space out. I dunno, i guess it really depends on the relationship you have with your family. I know when i was seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, DH’s family knew b/c i was in and out of the doctor’s, having surgeries and stuff. And it didn’t bother me, but he also didn’t go into detail about what was going on with my womanly parts to his mom, either.
If you’ve always wanted kids and now aren’t planning on having kids, I could see how your mom could be shocked about the decision. And probably a little let down if she had her heart set on grandchildren. At some point, she’ll probably ask about you having kids and then you can discuss it further. Even if it will upset them, I think they’ll figure it out in a few years when you haven’t gotten pregnant, esp since your husband is in his 40’s. Your mom likely has some viable concerns. I know my mom would be and we are close enough that we’d have a frank discussion about it.
Again, all depends on your relationship.
Post # 4
EJS4y8 is right…it’s none of their business. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and there is no need to announce anything.
When people do ask you can say “We’re not having kids.” No need to go into details.
Post # 5
NO NEED FOR DETAILS! That is a very personal matter. They know you dont want any, some parents look forward to that but they need to come to terms you will not.
Post # 6
Think about it this way- do you talk to her about your current birth control methods? Because unless you’re currently giving her a play by play on your means of protection, then I don’t think she would have any reason to expect you to tell her this either…
Post # 7
I would stop telling them about all the doctor’s appointments. It’s really none of their business. Most especially the vasectomy. Would her reaction change your mind at all? Probably not. Would it put a strain on your relationship? Most definitely. Since you’ve already expressed your desire not to have kids, I don’t think you need to tell her more. At this point, she has the info she needs, she doesn’t need to know HOW you’re not having kids.
Post # 8
I agree. Don’t tell them about doctor’s appointments, and don’t tell them about the vasectomy. It’s really none of their business. Once you tell them, you’ll open up a huge can of worms.
Post # 9
Yup, not their business. My mom had her tubes tied and didn’t tell most of the family, my dad had a vasectomy (dunno if the family knew), and nobody knew my grandfather had a vasectomy until years and years after he passed away. Just let them think you can’t have kids (which you technically can’t, just don’t elaborate why!)
Post # 10
Yea it sucks that they won’t have grandkids, but this is your and your husbands decision. If you’ve decided that you don’t want kids, I don’t think it’s any of your mom’s business to know about your husband’s medical procedures. Plus, you’ve already let them know that you dont want kids.
I’m sure your mom is sad and disappointed, but this is your life and if you’re doing what makes you happy, that’s what counts.
Post # 11
My opinion is that your husband’s doctors visits and vasectomy are not your family’s business (at all!). To me the decision of whether to have kids or not etc are very personal decisions that will be made by Fiance and I alone.
Post # 12
Thanks to all who replied.
My mom and I do talk about stuff like this, but all she knows is the only form of protection we use which is condoms. My sister went on the Pill and I’ve tried a few without success. (She and I have been talking about going on the same Pill) My mom does NOT know that I’m trying to get on the Pill. She doesn’t know that I want it after my husband has the Vasectomy either. I know it sounds weird, but I just want the Pill to balance out hormones, shorten my cycles, and such.
My husband wants the Vasectomy simply b/c he doesn’t like to wear the condoms in the first place. I understand his feelings. It feels strange to me too. He’s also doing this b/c he knows he won’t have kids in his lifetime.
I didn’t want to go under the knife myself, b/c I’ve always had the desire to have a child and with the Pill, I know I can later in life if I wanted too. With my husband’s age and such, we both know that when God calls him home, we’ll have made the right choice for us.
Post # 13
I think that is personal and not something you need to discuss with your mom. As some point if she asks about tha lack of kids, despite you telling her you don’t want any, you can always just say we are unable to have children without going into further details. Let her think it’s a medical problem.
Post # 14
slicey19 I don’t agree with you. I have a few medical issues that I deal with everyday and not having a child shouldn’t be considered a “medical problem”. Lots of couples can’t have kids for medical reasons and knowing that I might be able to have a child, isn’t something I consider a “problem” If children were “medical problems”, then we’d all be just that…..”problems.”
I cannot believe you posted your response and referred to a child as a “problem” much less a “MEDICAL PROBLEM”!
Post # 15
I’m not sure you read sliceys response correctly. I think she was saying that you could let your mom believe there is a medical problem ie why you can’t have children.
I think its a fairly common term if not a medical term that not being able to bear children is a medical problem. Your body is not functioning as it should aka a problem.
Post # 16
Hmm, it seems to me slicey19 didn’t refer to a child as a medical problem, but rather was commenting that you can let your mother think you have a medical problem that doesn’t allow you to have children. (because you seem uncomfortable sharing with your family your decision to prevent having children.)
Whatever you decide, I hope your family respects you and your husbands’ decision!