Post # 1
So over the last little while (like last few months) I’ve started thinking that I’m not so sure I want children after all.
I think going to Disney really spurred all of this. I was annoyed enough about children before, but after 2 days at Disney, children drive me batty! Even just going to a friend’s place the other day who has one 4 year old, I wanted to leave after 1/2 hour, and her kid is well behaved!
The other thing too, Boyfriend or Best Friend and I are the epitome of DINKs right now (Dual income, no kids). Our take home pay is just over 6 figures when we combine our salaries, and it affords us a lot of luxuries that I wouldn’t want to give up. Like we were able to plan 2 vacations last year with just a few weeks notice. We eat out at nice restaurants once a week. I go to the spa often.
There’s also so much that I want to do with my life that I don’t know if I’d be able to do if we had kids. I’m in school part time working on a Bachelor of Management degree and want to get an MBA after that. I want to do a lot more travelling. I feel that having a kid will interefere with all of that, and that I’d have to give up a lot of the luxuries I have right now.
There’s also a part of me right now that is terrified that I’ll be a terrible mother and that my child(ren) will be holy terrors.
I’m almost at the point that I’m hoping Boyfriend or Best Friend or I will be sterile so I’ll have an excuse to not have kids.
Am I just being selfish? Is it wrong of me to feel this way? Will it pass? Anyone else ever feel this way?
Post # 3
I feel that way sometimes. I like my life the way it is. I figure we will have kids eventually- my husband definitely wants them- but we have no real timeframe for it. How old are you? Do you have to decide soon? Unless you are in your mid-30s or older I would say just see what happens. You may feel differently in a few years, you don’t have to make a decision now.
Post # 4
It’s not wrong to feel the way you do, but you never know. Honestly once all your friends start having kids and there’s nobody to hang out with anymore without seeing their kids/talking about their kids/etc, the DINK lifestyle might seem less appealing. Or on the other hand, it might just make you even gladder that you don’t have kids. 🙂 I agree you don’t have to decide now. If you want them later, you’ll have them later.
Post # 5
I’m 27, my Boyfriend or Best Friend is 31, so it’s not like I HAVE to decide now, in terms of actually having a child. Our timeline was kind of always wait a few years after we get married before having kids, and it looks like we’ll be getting married next fall/winter, so it would probably be 2014 at the earliest that we might TTC. The thing that has me concerned is Boyfriend or Best Friend has mentioned in the past that not wanting kids is a deal breaker and an engagement is fast approaching (We’ve had a custom ring made, and Boyfriend or Best Friend has put a deposit on it and may have even paid for it and picked it up). I’m scared that this will be a permanent decision and will ruin my relationship with my Boyfriend or Best Friend if I say anything to him, and I love him more than anything.
Post # 6
Umm… I’m in the same pickle but in my early thirties!! Tick tock… But me and my Fiance go back and forth all the time, and we would be fine either way or if we waited and found thats what we really wanted after all he would have no problem adopting. I think people like us have it harder than people who have known exactly what they have wanted thier entire lives.
The time when I want them the most is when I think about all the things I could teach them. I’ve imagined conversations with my possible childeren all the time.
The time when I want them least is when I read about the news and all the awful things people do to one another. Do I really want to bring a good spirit into this mess?
I think the most important thing is that you and your SO is on the same page. If your a situation where one really wants to be a parent and the other does not it can definately be a dealbreaker.
Post # 7
Well, maybe ask yourself some questions.
How would you feel if you found out you were unable to have children? I see what you said above about being sterile, but do you think you really would be happy?
I sometimes feel like I am not sure I want kids just because I can’t visualize it… I have no timeline for it in my grand “plan.” But I know in my heart that I would be upset if I found out I couldn’t have them. I would be upset if I got pregnant now, but I think in the end I would have the baby (and not because I don’t believe in abortion/adoption). How would you feel?
Post # 8
Here is one more thought…. the lifestyle and pocketbook hit is a lot less if you just have one child. Have you thought about that/is your Boyfriend or Best Friend open to that? It is much easier to fly to Hawaii with one kid, send one kid to private school, etc. than three or even two. Plus, there aren’t two kids bickering around your house all the time (as far as the anti-Disney feelings go).
Post # 9
I could have written this post myself. I have had people say to me “you don’t seem like the kid type. You would be a really cool aunt though” HA!
My Fiance and I both are undecided but we both wonder if eventually we will change our minds. The otherday I said to him “what if you start wanting kids and I decide I really never do. Wil you stay? I know that’s a deal breaker for some couples.” So it does concern me. He said he would be ok with it and I hope he will be.
Post # 10
I’ve never really wanted kids. People kept telling me “Oh that will change when you get older.” Here I am, 29 years old, and I’m still not sure that I want kids. But society can be really judgemental. I’ve had relatives tell me to stop being selfish. I don’t really understand how NOT wanting to have kids is selfish. I don’t want to be a bad mom, and I feel like I would really resent any children that I had for taking away part of my freedom and independence. Can you imagine your mother resenting you? That must be a horrible feeling, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Your situation sounds tricky. You aren’t engaged yet but I think you need to be 100% up front with your boyfriend about your concerns. It would be unfair to him otherwise. I told my (now) finace when I knew things were getting serious that I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to have kids, and he agreed with me. We will make it work either way.
Post # 11
@futuremrste: You are absolutely not a horrible person, it sounds like you are a responsible one. It might pass, it might not- but it is responsible to consider how well you would handle motherhood and whether or not it is something you really want to do. It is far preferable to the alternative of being a mother without previous consideration. However, you should bring this up to your boyfriend sooner rather than later. It is important for him to understand where you stand, maybe something like “I’m not sure if it will pass, but I do not think I will ever want children.”
For the record, I am someone who plans to live child-free.
Having read your previous comments now, I stand even more firmly behind discussing this with your boyfriend. Its not fair for either of you to get married without this openly on the table. There is nothing I would fear more than having a child to whom I wish I wasn’t their mother.
Post # 12
I have the exact same problem! H really really wants kids, but I don’t know if I ever will. I always assumed I’d want kids eventually, but the more time passes, the more I fear that ill never want them. It’s a tough situation to be sure and sorry I don’t have any advice
Post # 13
@futuremrste: I think its perfectly ok. Not everyone has the desire for them – I don’t have children and many of my friends don’t. I guess we gravitated towards each other. I am 48 and getting married for the first time. I never wanted a baby.
I realized I made the right choice a few months ago. My period was a bit late and I was horror stricken, and not even hopeful that I was pregnant (at this point, I won’t change my mind but I probably should use something other than my age as birth control since my periods are usually very regular)
Post # 14
@EleanorRigby: I think everyone would be upset when a choice that they thought they had is taken away without their consent. But I dont think its a good indicator of your desire to have kids.
If I couldn’t concieve, I would be upset because I did not make the choice to not have kids, the option would be taken away from me. So I’d be sad at a door closing, but not necessarily being without children.
Post # 15
One of my friends was adamant about never wanting to get married, and never wanting to have children, but when she met the right person, she wanted both. She was actually the first in our group of friends to get married, and the first to have a child. So yes, you may change your mind. And you may not.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting children. But you and your SO need to be on the same page about it before getting engaged, and definitely before getting married, especially since it is a deal-breaker for him.
Also, don’t base your wanting/not wanting kids on a trip to Disney. Too many people bring their children there waaaay to young, and kids that are nomally well-behaved can turn into screaming, whining brats. *I* get tired and sore from all the walking/standing, etc…imagine dealing with that when you’re five, (to pick a random age). Plus, they are surrounded by things to see, and do…and BUY! I love Disney, but Happiest Place on Earth????
Post # 16
I guess the other thing that is worrying me is that I used to really want kids. Like when I was in my late teens/early 20’s just the thought that I might not ever have kids terrified me. You’d think that as I start heading towards my 30’s that the biological clock would start ticking…