- 4 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
I’m curious how I should proceed regarding my family and my in-laws.
Here’s a bit of background info: My family is dysfunctional. My parents are divorced (my Dad is awesome so I’m leaving him out of this) but my Mom is crazy. She is remarried to a very nice man but they are very religious (not that there’s anything wrong with that – I was raised that way but am no longer) and super judgmental and holier than thou. My Mom and I haven’t really gotten along since I was in middle school (she kicked me out for no reason, etc). Anyway, since planning a wedding my crazy unstable Mom has tried to re-kindle a relationship with me. She was super into helping with the wedding, has contributed money, etc. We get along but it’s a superficial relationship and while I love her for raising me and taking (physical) care of me, my emotional relationship with her will never be very deep or real. There are emotional scars there that no amount of time or effort on her part will heal. While we get along when we DO see each other, it’s not often and even now all my Mom really talks to me about is wedding stuff (we don’t live near each other).
On the other hand, FI family is amazing. I am so grateful to be welcomed into a family where everyone is happy, relaxed and emotionally stable. They are awesome and I love them to pieces.
My problem is that (I believe in an effort to become closer to me and FI) my Mom is trying so hard to befriend FI Mom. They don’t live near each other, but they e-mail back and forth all the time. FI Mom is super sweet and, although she knows my Mom and I have issues, doesn’t know the extent of it all. So of course, although she has mentioned that my Mom sure does email her often (LOL) she is nice to my Mom (which I am grateful for). I can tell based on things my Mom mentions to me that my Mom has this idea that her and FMIL are going to be friends).
Due to factors surfacing recently (Mom dangling religion back in my face, trying to stir up drama with me, trying to already say that FI and I have to baptize our baby Catholic, etc.) I am really thinking that after the wedding I (and also FI) will be trying to distance ourselves a bit from my Mom. I don’t want FI Mom to get stuck in the middle of this.
I feel that I really don’t want my Mom knowing my in-laws or trying to be their friends after the wedding, just a cordial relationship when they do see each other (although short of the birth of a grandchild, etc. I don’t really see them running into each other).
I love love love the fact that I’m about to have a happy extended family for once, and I want to keep this “happy” place far removed from my tumultuous relationship with my Mother.
I feel FI Mom needs to know about my history with my Mom, (I’m sure she would see where I’m coming from about me not being super close with my Mom). I’m sure if FI Mom realized my own Mom wont be playing a large role in her son and my life, she wouldnt bother too much trying to appease her. I feel like FI Mom is the type to go along with my Mom’s efforts in order to make FI and I happy. I am 1000% sure that if it weren’t for the fact that thier kids are getting married, these 2 would not be friends by chance. They are night and day different. How can I clue FMIL in on my family dynamic?
ETA: In addition to emailing, both sides have tried to invite the other to holidays, etc. I get that they are free to invite whoever they wish, but it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.