Post # 1
I posted my situation on the emotional board, but now I don’t know how to get out of this one! When FI and I were engaged in 2009, I made it clear I would like his daughter to be in a bridesmaid in the wedding. She appeared to like me, and I thought it would be a nice way to build a family.
Flash forward to present day. I am really regretting wanting her in the wedding, because it seems she does NOT want me with her father. Several years back, before me of course, he met a woman and moved in with her in another state. He was with her for four years, and always tried to make sure his kids could visit during summers, vacations, holiday, etc. Apparently they felt abandoned, (he also has a son) even though their mother was making it difficult sometimes. Anyway, his daughter seemed to like me until the engagement. I live in NJ, FI in NYC where they also reside. After some discussion, I decided I would live in NYC after we were married. I have lived in my hometown my whole life, my family is here, I am involved in church heavily, yet I am leaving to start something new. Fine. She seems to think that I will be taking her dad away from her, even though she just turned 20 and is no longer a child. There is a woman who lives in FI building that he became friends with. Well, friend and daughter met, and now she thinks her father should be with this woman, even encouraging this other woman even though this woman KNOWS who I am and has even met me when I visit. She seems to think I am not right for her father. I am white, he is Puerto Rican, this woman is African American Puerto Rican, and the kids are half African American/half PR. I don’t know why this is, I have never done anything to her to make her dislike me. And since she was going behind her father’s back and texting this woman and making her think she had a shot with FI was the last straw. Oh, and when he told her about being in the wedding, she said she wanted to wear this long gown she wore to a school event that is not even in the color scheme. Said if she couldn’t she may not want to be in the wedding.
I have not yet discussed this with FI. I don’t want him hurt, but I don’t want someone in the wedding who is not on board with the marriage. I also don’t think she should be telling her father that he should dump me for a woman he isn’t even attracted to, or butt into his personal life at all. She HATES it if her father questions her about things like that. I know his life affects her, but she shouldn’t be ruling it.
I really don’t know how to handle this. Do I tell her no go to being in the wedding, or let it go for peace?
Post # 3
I vote let it go. Kicking her out of the wedding isn’t going to improve your relationship with her, or your husband to be. At the same time, you and his daughter need to talk about her behavior and trying to undermine you, particularly with this sabotage. In regards to the dress? Tell her it’s lovely, and that you would love to see her wear it at the reception, but that it is not going to work for the ceremony. The dress thing just sounds like she’s seeking ways to stir the pot.
Post # 4
You are the adult here. Even though she’s 20 she’s acting like a child. She is afraid and hurting because her father moved away before. (I have to agree with her that it sounds like he abandoned them by moving away.) When children are hurting punishment will not help, only more communication and understanding. You shouldn’t stoop down to her level by kicking her out of the bridal party and trying to hurt her back. Just continue to show her how loving and inclusive you are. Hopefully she’ll come around.
Post # 5
@brendaray2009: Yes she is older – but I am from a ‘broken’ home – I am a full believer that you don’t marry the man you marry his family.
Maybe counseling as a group would be useful? Family counseling is not unheard of these days – and that is what is to become of you… They say anything you encounter during the wedding planning process will unfold as three times the stress after the wedding – so if you are struggling with your relationship with her now – how will it unfold down the road? What will Christmas be like? How will summer holidays go?
I am not saying that she is a determining factor in whether you two get married – or your happiness. We all know teenage/young 20’s girls can be a bit…unstable still. Yes, she is prone to say and do some silly things – but speaking to her like a human and respecting her thoughts may go a long way for your future together with your husband.
If none of that works then tell her she can’t wear the long dress she wants to wear and stand up – if she is determined to wear it she can sit in the audience and that problem is solved – but all the others will remain.
Post # 6
I also want to add that once you make this decision to respecth er and listen to her – that she will be unable to thank you enough.
My stepmomand I did not get along the entire time I was growing up and I stopped visiting when I was 15. Fast forward to me returning home after being out of the country for 5 years and she completely turned around – she called and cried and apologized for how she treated me and she has been a main part of my life ever since. Due to some bad decisions my father will no longer be in my life (they are seperated now) – but she always will be. She will know my children – she is sitting in the front row at my wedding – she and I handle childcare handoffs for my neice – could you imagine how awful that would be if things never turned around?
Give her the chance to be heard. It is often underestimated how difficult living in a two-home family can be – regardless of how old you get.
Post # 7
@AlwaysSunny: this exactly! You need to continue to be inclusive!
@brendaray2009: It sounds like she’s testing you. And I don’t think it’s personal. I think anyone who her dad ended up getting engaged to would be getting the same treatment. Try not to take it personally and remember, although shes 20, she still young and she’s hurting. If you feel an honest conversation with her would work, I say go for that. Something along the lines of ‘I think you might be feeling hurt but I have no intention of taking your dad away and I’m going be here waiting patiently for you to come around bc I want you in my life’ I think you need to try extra hard to forge a relationship with this girl as that’s more important in the long run than how bratty she may or may not be acting about your wedding.