Post # 1
Hello everyone! so here’s the deal, i was having problems with my bowels for the past year and i have done all the type of tests and even had laparoscopy, that means i saw and felt terible things while having my bowels celaned so many times and also other awful things that just has to be done to make you able to take special medical tests. So all in that, last week i had laparo, i wa sstaying in the same room with a lady who had a laparo because she wasn’t getting pregnant and she started to cry when they told her there was nothing to be seen and they can’t know why she can’t be pregnant. The woman said she would do whatever it takes to have a baby, no matter through how many interventions and pain she’ll have to go. So at one point she asked me if i want kids, well i said i’m perfectly healthy if it comes to that but i’ve seen too many things to be able to answer that, in the way that i’m tired of pain and i don’t want anymore to go through hospitals. She said i should be proud i can have kids and i should stop being selfish and enjoy this possibility. Am i really selfish or just scared? My hubby thinks this is just a matter of time and it’ll change the way i feel. My mother in-law told me aswell that you can’t live your life without kids and she hopes i will change my mind. Does all the pain i’ve been through can be forgoten? Anyone having the same thoughts?
Post # 3
No, you’re not selfish. She is obviously going through quite a struggle, and hence why she said that to you (though it’s a stupid way to describe it, as it’s not like you’re not having a kid that you should be giving you). If you had a kid, she would feel equally bad, but with jealousy.
Maybe you’ll change your mind about kids. Maybe you won’t. I have never changed my mind.
And chances are the pain you’re experiencing now will fade from your mind. Keep in mind that pregnancy and childbirth, while accompanied with pain, is also accompanied with much joy, excitement and anticipation. You can’t really compare it to a difficult medical procedure.
Post # 4
@SeaSalt: Thanks for answer, i didn’t take it wrong what she said but i still have that in mind since then, she was really stressed at that moment and i think it’s the stress what made her say this, but there are just people like that. My mother was in coma for few weeks after giving birth to tweens- me and my sister. And 10 years later she had her reproductive organs taken out because of endometriosis. I asked her many times if she wanted any other child after having us and she said she didn’t want any kid anymore, was happy indeed to have us but also she didn’t think this will be so hard. I hope i will forget about the ugly experiences and i will enjoy having a kid if not, my hubby supports me and says there’s nothing more important for him than me feeling well.
Post # 5
It’s not selfish to not want kids for any reason, including you just don’t feel like it. You are not required to have a child, never let anyone make you feel bad about your rightful choice. You can have an amazing and wonderful life without kids if you choose.
Post # 6
@aliona.deszynska: You’re not selfish, she’s just pushing her issues onto you. She’s probably upset that she can’t have a child and is jealous that you can. People do this stuff all the time when they’re in a tough spot. I don’t understand why people spend all this money to get pregnant when there are tons of children that are waiting to be adopted. Sad.
Post # 7
Generally speaking we consider someone selfish if they harm other people in order to further their own interests. In the context of having a child who is being harmed? The unconceived child?
I understand that this woman was stressed out and emotional and didnt want to hear about people not having children but she kind of brought it on herself by asking in the first place.
Post # 8
You don’t seem like the selfish variety of, “not wishing for babies.” You definitely seem scared. Though, pain from pregnancy is actually pretty quickly forgotten once you have the baby. It’s a wonderful trick of our body, if it’s functioning properly. It’s your choice to risk the pain, or not, though. Maybe some day the desire to have children will be worth the possibility, if today isn’t that day, oh well?
Post # 9
Its not selfish to not want children. The woman is just sad, and would give anything for a child, which is a normal reaction for someone who cant have children. Your MIL probably desperately wants grandkids lol So theyre being a little selfish, not you!
But I will tell you, if you are scared because of pain…well the outcome is worth much more than any pain you will feel. I have 2 children… the first one was VERY painful, epi didnt work and other complications. The second was so peaceful, I barely felt a thing (epi worked this time yay) Both children I would do in a heartbeat again!
That is a decision you have lots of time to make. My first was not planned, I never thought about children at all. I didnt think I wanted any, but I am so glad now that I do have them! But some people just dont want children and thats fine!
Post # 10
I can’t imagine a single way that not wanting to have kids could be contrued as selfish. What a rude thing to say to a stranger.
Post # 11
Wow, that lady is so rude.
I feel for her situation, I really do. But YOU having a baby won’t make HER situation better, ya know? Like, if I don’t have a high-paying job and really want a nice house, but my friend is this millionaire who chooses to spend his money on a car and not a house, will this offend me? NO.
People are weird. Your life, your choices.
Post # 12
I think people who say that just feel the need to attack something because of their own personal situation, she’d be equally as bitter if you did have children. I mean by all means we can be greatful for the choice in having children, that it’s not already made up for us, but if personally our choices mean that we decide not to have them then that is not anyone elses business.
Maybe one day my hormones will make me believe otherwise, but right now when I think of babies I can’t see beyond my vagina being torn apart to create an egocentric being that will one way or another take over my life. What would be selfish is if I had a baby for the sake of ticking a social conformity tick box, esp. when my other half isn’t wild about kids either.
Post # 13
Sometimes when people are emotional, they have a hard time seeing past their own situation and will project onto others. You’re not selfish and I think you need to focus on your health rather than whether children are in the cards or not. Hope you get better and don’t let it get to you.
Post # 14
Thanks everyone for answers. I had a discussion with my mother in law on the phone and she kinda figured out i’m not gonna do it untill i’m on my feet again, this can take 1 year or some. I’m too young to have any kid right now, i understand that my husband is almost 30 and she might consider it’s time for him to be a dad, but seriously all what happened marked me for all my life. Never thought i’m gonna feel so much stres.My biggest fear is that i had some complications with the anesthesia this time and my gynec. told me for my own safety i should stay away from anesthesia. The problem with birth is that when a woman is small and thin they choose not to go with a natural birth but surgery, i really hope i’ll put on some weight, so i’m desperate to look for some nice diet, you’re all free to tell me what should i eat to put on weight. 🙂
Post # 15
@aliona.deszynska: It’s not selfish to chose not to have kids. It’s selfish to have them simply because society says to – and then not to be fully in it for the right reasons (like a few people I know). I’m guessing she was very emotional and the subject hits a nerve with her. Even so, that was out of line. Having (or not having) children is very personal and just because you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD or WANT to.
Post # 16
@aliona.deszynska: Oh goodness, I know how you feel. I had a disease that was on a House episode when I was 9 (Henoch Shonlein Purpura, or HSP). It was fairly traumatic. I was in the hospital for four days, fevers of 104, purple splotches on my hands and feet. I had to undergo multiple medical tests, lots of blood tests, it involved my stomach and kidneys and I almost had to use a feeding tube. Due to blood flow it was painful to walk and I was in a wheel chair for a year afterward. I also had a seizure when I was four. Ick
Of course, now I have phobias regarding sharp pointy objects and medical sitautions. I too do not want children anytime soon, and even researched how much a surrogate costs when I was 16. I plan to adopt and hope to get over this through counseling. It has been very tough, and people who haven’t gone through this just don’t understand. Please don’t take this woman’s comments to heart, it is definitely not selfish, and even if it is so be it, you can’t help what you feel. Take your time to recover and the desire will happen in time if it is supposed to! Best of luck, I’m sorry for all of your medical traumas 🙁