Post # 1
I got this note last night:
Since (my son) wasn’t invited I don’t feel comfortable leaving him with a babysitter in a strange place. We were really hoping (my son) was going to be able to meet his cousin. Best wishes for your marriage.
(his “cousin” is actually our niece….. so his first cousin, once removed)
So….. I’m trying not to be annoyed and my fiance who takes things VERY literally seems to think that this message was nice. I should note that our wedding is in the same state that she lives, but not very close.
We decided to have an adults only wedding. I feel like when you get married, you can make your own choice about having a family friendly wedding or adult shindig. AND she’s a cousin, not immediate family.
I’m trying to be laid back, but I can’t help feeling annoyed….. Am I being unreasonable to think this email was a major guilt trip?
Post # 3
It was definitely meant to be a guilt trip, otherwise there would’ve been no need for the ‘we were hoping ___ was going to be able to meet his cousin.’ If they really wanted them to meet, that’s on them to call and say hello and offer an invite – not assume they can just use your wedding as a family reunion. A non guilt trip would have been, “We don’t have anyone available to babysit DH so unfortunately we will not be able to attend.” But it will be much less stressful for you if you can just roll your eyes at these comments and then let it go.
Post # 4
@NDfan2009: yes of course it was a guilt trip. Just write back saying you’re sorry she won’t be able to make it and you hope to see them soon.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
That’s the problem with letters/email, there’s no way to know the tone of it all… but I definitely think it sounds a little guilt trippy. Take the high road though, “Sorry we’ll be missing you all, happy holidays!” and forget about it.
Post # 6
If she had left out the part about the “cousins” meeting, I’d think it was a nice note with a reasonable explanation so you didn’t think she was just ditching the wedding. But that line makes me think she really wanted you to know she disagrees with your decision and wants you to feel badly about it. I really can’t think of another reason to say that–it’s unecessary. It would be different had she said “hopefully the cousins can meet up in the future.”
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
Um, yeah… the specific dig about “hoping the cousins could meet”, which is obviously NOT the whole point of your wedding, makes me think it’s passive agressive. But I totally agree wiht a PP, just write back “Im so sorry you wont be able to make it, have a happy holiday!” Not only are you taking the high road and being super polite, but if you seem like you’re not concerned for even a second, she doesn’t actually get the dig she wanted, she’s left out in the cold. Best form of revenge 😛
Post # 8
I don’t see a problem. You decided on an AO wedding, so she decided not to attend, end of story. She’s obviously a little annoyed that she can’t bring her son, but she’s accepted it, and I don’t think you need to read major nastiness into it. Nothing to see here people, move along.
Post # 9
@paula1248: +1. At least she was polite enough to not try to argue with you or bring her son anyway.
Post # 10
That’s annoying. I think you just have to take the high road. Write back with a “Sorry it won’t work out. Happy holidays!” and call it a day.
Post # 11
I should mention, I haven’t sent my invites out. She asked for our wedding website and saw online that we were offering to help get people set up with trusted local sitters and learned that it was AO. I found it odd that she sent us a message before we even invited her.
My fiance is convinced she will come anyway…. which makes the note even more strange to me.
Post # 12
Ugh, I totally feel for you, and think she is being petty about her son not being invited to your wedding. It’s your day, and you should have the wedding that you want. Period. I don’t get why adults can’t go out and have a good time with adults sans kids. Is there a way you can hire or recommend a babysitter you know to watch her son at a hotel or the place where she would be staying…that way she wouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable leaving her son with a total stranger?
Post # 13
@NDfan2009: I wouldn’t be surprised if she came either (obviously without knowing her). But I think the note was a guilt trip and she’s fishing for you to change your mind and invite the kid. I agree with lots of the PPs. Say something like “we will miss you. Happy holidays!” And move on.
Post # 14
People who have kids take it personally when their kids are excluded. It’s been the subject of almost as many blogs as breast v bottle / crib v co-sleep / spank v no-spank.
You made a decision. There are consequences to every decision you make in life. Had you decided to have kids at your wedding/reception, you have to deal with the consequences of that decision. It’s simply a choice that you made. But no matter what choices you make in life, someone is going to be unhappy with them.
She has added emotion (guilt) because her feelings are hurt.
You adding your emotions *back at her* will serve nothing in the long run. Let it go.
Or – take the high road as you join her family and write her back and say you were hoping little Johnny could meet Susie too – so you’re looking forward to getting together next summer, if she’s available.
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
She thought you were rude not to invite her kid, so she wrote a slightly rude note back. I feel like if you’re going to take the somewhat-controversial-for-a-good-reason approach of not inviting kids, you can really take offense if people take offense at it, ya know? Just write her back a nice sweet note and then you get to take the high road. Definitely not worth starting some family drama over this.
ETA: just saw your update that you haven’t even invited people yet. Yeah that’s definitely strange. Still stand by what I said above though 🙂
Post # 16
Oops! Wrote before I hit send! Can you/your FI call her and explain that you’re offering non-random sitters?
She totally wants to guilt trip you into letting him come. Maybe say he can “meet” his cousins at the rehearsal dinner or after brunch?!