Post # 1
FI and I have been talking about saving for a house/condo on and off for the entire length of our relationship (2.5yrs). We decided that this would be long term goal for us, we would spend the next 3 or 4 years saving for a down payment. I very badly want a house, I want to make a home with him and with his son.
Last night (after a heated financial discussion) he told me that he no longer wanted to buy a house. His explanation was that he would bare the brunt of the cost and therefore it doesn’t seem fare, and that he doesn’t need a house and he is uncomfortable with my ‘expectation’ that he bare the brunt. He sees this as being materialistic and that I’m focusing to much on the things we have and not the quality of our relationship*.
From a financial stand point, he makes 3x my salary and pays 90% of our bills. We don’t share bank accounts and we won’t until I get my debts cleared and I’m able to contribute more money to the household. I’m okay with this, but with my limited income, we are never going to get anything saved if he doesn’t contribute. So yes, I do expect him to contribute. But I’m not asking him to buy a house that WE couldn’t afford!
I feel like this came out of left field. Three months ago when our lease was up and we were looking for a new place to live, he had me looking at HUD housing info to see if we could get approved, and now, he doesn’t want to buy a house? I feel like this is a huge shift in how he sees our future.
Post # 3
Uh oh. This isn’t good. Do you think that maybe he could just be having an off day and maybe said something that he doesn’t really mean?
In our relationship, we share a bank account, bills, debt… everything. I make 3x as much as FI makes. I feel that if we are going to be together for the rest of our lives, it shouldn’t matter who makes more or who puts more money towards stuff because in the end it is OURS.
Is this something that you think you could see being able to handle in the future?
Post # 3
Dangit! It ate my post!
He told me that if a house is something that I need than maybe we shouldn’t get married. wait, what?
I refuse to believe that this is relationship ending topic and I’m not going to let it. I admit the full extent that I am materialistic. I was raised this way, and it’s also what’s put me into the debt that I’m desperatly trying to get out of now. I’m trying to fix this and pull my enjoyment from the very simple things in our relationship.
Any advice? I mean, am I expecting to much of him? am I being to materialistic?
Post # 4
I would just give it time. What says that you have to buy a house right now?
I would focus on paying off your debt for the time being, and once that’s done, then you can really help him out. It should be a joint effort, and obviously he feels pressured to pay for it all himself.
I’m not saying the way he reacted is the best way, but it probably has been bugging him for awhile.
Like I said…let it boil over and talk about it in a few months.
Post # 5
Yikes…personally? I would have a MAJOR issue with him throwing in my face the fact that he makes more money than I do. I would honestly not be cool with that. My husband does make more money than I do, and he also has a master’s degree while I have my bachelor’s, but he would NEVER make me feel as if we weren’t equals in our relationship. I see that as your main problem here…not the fact that he no longer wants to buy a house.
Post # 6
I’m sorry. Maybe he’ll come around once he’s had time to cool down? People often say things they don’t really mean when there is an argument going on.
I do sort of understand where he is coming from though. I purchased a house before I was with FH and currently make and will likely continue to make significantly more money than he does. I won’t lie that there is resentment there, especially when he wants me to pay for the majority of something I don’t really see the need for.
Post # 7
All I can say is WOW. My now husband put the down payment on my house for me and my daughter when we moved out here. He also helped me financially when ever we needed it. Now since we are married we have 2 houses and we re trying to sell one but anyway…
If he said that to me I would have been floored! You guys are engaged and have a date set to me he should be ready to share anything he has with you.
I don’t think you are being materialistic at all! I’m sorry but I have to agree with you, it would seem like there is a huge shift.
Post # 8
Honestly, buying a house ain’t all its cracked up to be. In many markets, its much smarter to rent or lease a home instead of buying it. There’s benefits a go-go like not having to fix the roof/mechanicals, many times not doing the yard work, having the flexibility to move again if needed/wanted, fewer costs/bills to pay, etc. Aside from that, a home is where you make it! You, him and his kid will still be able to feel a sense of ‘home’ and family if you make it happen.
This is going to sound mean and I REALLY dont intend for it to, but if he’s contributing 90% already and you are battling some serious debt, I don’t blame him for wanting to hold off on getting married or buying a house. He’ll assume your debt once you’re married, and that can be a real problem for many couples.
ETA: I also agree that this conversation shouldn’t be a realtionship-ender, but you guys definitely have some serious talking to do. There’s probably something behind the scenes that he’s thinking/feeling that is materializing into this sudden change of heart. Figure out what it is, then try to work it out together.
Post # 9
I think it’s normal to want a house with your fi, as long as it’s something you could afford together, which is like you said.
I feel like if you’re having issues with this, than you might have issues with other things that come up that have to do with finances. Maybe you should have a long talk with him about how you’ll be handling money in the marriage.
Post # 10
Um, I’m sorry…. what?!?!
If your FI isn’t ready to stop viewing your finances as his money and your money, then he’s not ready to get married. I know it’s a tough adjustment, and my FI and I are having our own issues with this at the moment, but at the end of the day he needs to realize that once you’re married, his income is also your income.
That being said, there is no law written that says marriage=buy a house. If he isn’t ready to buy a house right now, then that’s something you two should discuss. But him “baring the brunt” of the expenses shouldn’t be the issue.
Post # 11
I’m sorry this is happening. Maybe he was just having a bad day or off day? I bet in a couple days he’ll realize he didn’t mean to say those things. Maybe he’s just worried about having enough money for yall to pay for a house note, and it scares him now that it’s getting closer?
My FI makes 3x more than I do as well. We’re also looking at buying a house either right before we get married or hopefully soon after. I think he’ll come around soon and realize that he didn’t mean to say those things.
Post # 12
@KristenGotMarried: You’re totally right! We are signing a prenup that states that each persons debt stays with them in the event of divorce, so that’s not really an issue.
He has some major financial baggage from previous relationships. In fact, his first relationship (with his baby mama) kind of ended on this note. Except she didn’t have a job and wasn’t contributing at all but still wanted a new car, house, etc. Also, he’s divorced and once he told her he wanted out, she stopped paying all the bills, etc. so we are still dealing with the fallout from that (2.5 years later).
Post # 13
Did he know of your debts/feelings about money/things before he asked you to marry him? If not, that was his fault. He can’t just change his mind about it now without having a serious discussion!
When paying the rent, financial advisors say that the person who makes more money contributes more. It’s a pretty basic principle.
Tell him you are going to contribute what you can and you don’t expect him to entirely foot the bill all the time, but he is in a better financial situation to secure both of your futures together, so he needs to man up.
Post # 14
I do think that this is reaction to the conversation that we were having. He got a HUGE bonus at work. Like it would take me 4 months to earn the same amount of money.
When he found out how much it was, he told me that he was going to run a credit report and find out what he still owes (from the divorce drama) and pay it off, which would probably take a huge chunk if not all of the bonus.
So then, last night, we are working on his mountain bike and he thinks he needs to replace his brakes. To the tune of about $400, plus he told me he wanted to buy new shoes and a helmet, that takest he total up to $800. so I said to him, are you sure you want to do that? is that the best way to spend that money? and he got really mad. and that just led into this expectation topic, which then led into the house.
BUT he is right, it’s not my money and I can’t tell him how to spend it. So am I wrong for trying to keep him accountable? He doesn’t tell me how to spend my money, he might make suggestions, which is what I was doing but…
I don’t know, this is slippery slope here.
Post # 15
Money is the number one cause of divorce..so keep talking and compromise. It sounds to me that he is resenting having to pay for things. I think waiting until you pay off your debts…so that you can contribute to the house would be a good compromise. Essentially it is his money and he should feel good about the decision of buying a house.
You should let him realize (don’t force him) the positive of owning a home. He might see the benefits and want to do it for that reason (not just because you want one). BTW, I don’t think it’s materialistic to want to be a homeowner..I can understand a home you can’t afford..but a good comfortable home is an investment. =)