Weddingbee boards

Hi Bees. FI and I are due to be married in 8 months and when we got engaged we discussed having kids in which we both said we wanted to have them in at least 5 years. Lately though he has been telling me he thought about it and is very certain he does not want any children. I grew up in a large family and couldn't imagine not having children one day. I love him but this is a huge topic to be on separate pages about! Anyone find themselves in similar situations? I need advice :(

This is definitely something that needs to be sorted before you get married. And if kids are really what you want and he won't budge, I hate to say it, but, maybe he's not the one?

@MsJ26: Awww, this must be so upsetting for you to hear! You've already gotten a lot of good comments from PPs, how are you holding up and what are you thinking?

So sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with everyone that it is definitely something you need to discuss further so you can make an informed decision about what you want for your future. I think counseling is a great idea, especially if it is hard for him (or you) to open up. There are so many feelings that go into something like whether or not to have kids that it can get very messy very quickly.

Thanks for all the advice. We were up all night discussing it and he is really serious about not wanting to have kids. He changed his mind because his family is not close and is afraid his kid would turn out like his brothers did (only coming around when they need something). Also he thinks that they are a lot of money, etc. I come from the other end where my family is very supportive and we are all close. No matter what I say, he is really stuck on not wanting to have kids and I know this is a potential deal breaker. I told him we probably shouldn't get married then because I am afraid he won't change his mind and I won't change mine either. He doesn't want to call the wedding off but realizes that I am right. I really don't know what to do at this point and am shocked this is coming up. I hate the fact I have to go off to work and put on a "happy" :(

Oh boy, do I know this one.  Because of our ages, FI said lets try to get pregnant.  After 2 months of trying decided he didn't want kids.  Devastating.   Took a long time to recover.  But I love him so much that we stayed together, and now, its too late, I'm too old.  I still that empty pang.

Thank you again for all the great comments. I really do appreciate it and it helps to get different perspectives. I came home early from work because I am feeling really sad. I talked with him again earlier and from what I get from it I think he seriously thinks I am going to change my mind and marry him anyway with the fact that we are not going to have kids. But I won't give in. And he won't give in. He was actually tearing up over the fact that I am serious about wanting to call off the wedding if we can't agree. And the tough thing is I don't want to give him an ultimatum by any means, I want him to want kids too. But I feel like even if he says "ok, I change my mind, let's just have kids" then he is settling and that isn't fair to him either. His idea of a perfect life is to work and then retire early. I wish I would have known that before we got engaged or even before our 6 years of being in a relationship together. He said he really started to think about the kid thing the other day when he called his dad to wish him a happy birthday. Here is his dad, a lonely older man who sat by the phone all day waiting for someone to call him to wish him a happy birthday but no one did but my FI. He was sad about that because his dad put a lot of effort into raising him and his brothers. I told him at least he had YOU to call him on his b-day! 

I do agree with some of the bees who said that he is stating the fact he doesn't want to have kids out of fear and the clock is ticking closer to the wedding, it is becoming more of a reality to him. He told me maybe he will change his mind but can not guarantee it and does not want this to end in divorce 5 years down the road when I want to have kids and he doesn't. I know he is scared to have kids and honestly so am I but I know it can be a beautiful thing, I saw it while growing up in my family. But him on the other hand, his family is so distant from eachother. I can suggest counseling but it still isn't a guarantee he is going to deep down want a family :(

@soyjoy222: I would think he would want a family as well so he can have someone to be close with. I just don't understand it.

We had a few days to cool off and he is still hell bent on not wanting to have kids. We are actually splitting up and calling off the wedding because of this. I still ask him, hoping that maybe he changed his mind, if he wants to have kids and follow me on my journey in life (sounds like a sappy book but how better can I explain it!) and he looks at me with all seriousness and says "No, I will never want kids". Makes me really sad :(. I am so blind sided by all this. My sister thinks it is silly to split up over something like this because she seems to think we don't know what we want in 5 or so years. But how can I go into marriage knowing his feelings about this?? That is just asking for trouble. Is this normal for guys to not want a family??

Thank you bees. All the kind words and advice help me know I am making the right decision. I have been staying elsewhere because I told him I wanted him to sort out his emotions. I made that decision because as time went on and as we had stopped talking about the child thing, we would act like nothing was wrong with our relationship. I didn't want this to subside without solving the issue and I also didn't want to drag our relationship on anymore. I told him to sort out his feelings, let me be for awhile, don't drag me on because I am not changing my mind. He kept calling me to come home, we had a discussion and he said he realized that he did not want to lose me at all and that he would be ok with having children (there was a compromise on how many kids he wanted and I was fine with that). I have to admit, I am relieved at his decision because I love him and I know he would make a great father and that him not wanting kids was based solely on fear. But I am a little skeptical on whether this is what he truly wants and he made this decision not to lose me. He assures me that this is what he wants. I guess there is no way of telling whether that is what he truly wants besides to believe him and follow my heart (like another bee said!). So as of right now, the wedding is back on! (This has been an emotional roller coaster ride...sheesh).