I am going anon for this one, not because I'm embarassed to admit this but because I know my husband sometimes uses my computer and I do not want him to read this.
I haven't cheated. I don't know if I even will.
We've been married a little over 6 months and it has been pure hell. I can't stand it. We don't kiss. We don't hug. We hardly ever touch. We haven't had sex in 4 months. On our honeymoon, we had sex 3 times. That's it. So much for newlywedded bliss because I sure as hell didn't feel it.
Our wedding day was a nightmare, my family was pitted against his and he got mad at me for getting mad and blowing up on his family. The entire wedding night was tainted with him being pissed off at me. On our first dance I kept kissing him and he told me, "Stop being white trash. I don't want to kiss you right now." The rest of the night I put on a happy face while the entire time I feel like I had just made a huge mistake.
We got back from our honeymoon and I was more than determined to make this marriage work. Every step forward we would take, we would then take 2 more back.
His family works like this: His mother works her ass off. Does all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, yardwork and whatever else needs done. His father is retired and does nothing all day. Nothing. They own rental properties and he goes to collect the rent and fix whatever needs fixed. His mother serves him dinner, serves him coffee and serves her own grown mid to late twenties children. My husband never had to clean up after himself, never had to cook, serve himself dinner, nothing.
I thought this would be different when we got married and got a place of our own. I was so wrong. He got mad at me one night because I didn't serve him the spaghetti I made. So he threw everything in the trash.
I asked him to clean up after himself and he think because he works all day I don't work all that much that I should clean everything. I don't mind doing the dishes, doing the laundry or cooking or cleaning because he's right, I don't work. I just don't understand why it is so hard for him to pick up his messes.
He never says nice things to me, never does anything but come home from work and watch tv and make messes for me to clean up. He shows more affection to the dog than he does to me. Oh, he says he loves all of the time. I do think he loves me as much as he is capable but that is clearly not enough.
He does work hard to provide for us and for that I am so thankful. He always tells me he does this to help out our future. I do love him. I really do, I did marry him. But as much as I love him, I am so unhappy now I don't even know where to begin to fix things. I told him that it was bothering me that we weren't having sex. He said, "well you're such an unhappy bitch anymore. That really doesn't turn me on. Sorry." I know I'm unhappy and that I take it out on him, but everytime I try to tell him how unhappy I am he ignores it or says, "stop being miserable and change things that make you unhappy." Little does he know, or maybe he does and chooses not to see it, that me leaving him would help me to not be so miserable.
There is this ex-boyfriend of mine I had dated in high school for a few months. Nothing serious at all, we were like, 15. We talk every once in awhile on fb messenger. I think about him all of the time. I always wonder "what if..." what if I had dumped my husband for him like I thought about doing 3 years ago when he first made contact? What if I went with my gut feeling before my wedding and called the engagement off? Would happier? Would I be with him?
I recently, as in last night, got so unhappy, so lonely, so desolate feeling that I started talking to my ex and told him everything. That I'm unhappy in my marriage. That I should have broken up with my husband for him when I thought so hard about it, I should have listened to my gut and called the wedding off. It isn't fair to my husband, regardess of how he is, to be emotionally involved with someone else.
My ex is a wonderful man. He has a good job, lives in the same town, has a great family and is and has always been a hopeless romantic, like me. I think about him a lot. How if I were with him he would love me, cherish me, be happy and proud that I was his. Kiss me, touch me show me the kind of affection I'd always imagine a man who truly loved me would show me. I have tried so hard, bees to get the thought of him out of my mind but I can't. I went almost 2 years without talking to him, when I would see him out I would ignore him in hopes of these thoughts going away. All to no avail.
He understands that I am so torn and has honestly not pushed me either way. he just listens.
He wanted to meet up for coffee today but I just couldn't do it and he uhttp://boards.weddingbee.com/board/emotionalnderstood totally.
Bees, I am miserable. I don't know what to do. I realize that I should NEVER had told my ex how I felt but at the same time, what if he is the one I'm supposed to be with? What if I made this huge mistake like I feel that I have made and I;m suposed to be with him?
I haven't told anyone how I feel, save my best friend who is actually dating one of my husbands good friends. They live together and she is trying to find a way to leave him. Other than that, I have put on this new bride happy face so no one knows. My family would be shocked.
I just don't know what on earth to do. I want so badly to try to talk to my husband about this, but the past times I have tried got me nowhere and I'm just so tired of the struggle to try and be happy.
I know this is long so thanks for reading. Any advice is appreciated.
I'm so sorry your husband is being this way. It sounds like he's being verbally abusive. It's not right for him to treat you this way at all.
I'm not saying to go run to your ex, most of the time they are ex's for a reason, but I would greatly suggest you get some serious concelling for you and your husband or leave. It doesn't take long before they make you feel like you would be nothing without them. It doesn't take long before the verbal turns into physical abuse.
Councelling or leave. In my case I left. But I didn't love my ex. So if you truly love your husband, maybe leave the home while you two get councelling until you feel comfortable and safe to move back in?
Wow. I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Your husband should not be treating you like this at all. I think if you want to make things work with him, you should try counseling but, from the sounds of things, I don't think he is going to be up for that.
Having said that, I do think it might be best for you to leave. BUT don't go running right back to your ex. Give yourself sometime to heal.
Agree with PPs! I'm wondering was he always like this or did he change after the wedding? If this is a recent change maybe there is a hope for counselling?
@Utopia4us: He was always a little like this but NEVER to this extent. I would love to goto counseling but I just don't think he'd ever do it which makes me think he doesnt even value this relationship.
@anonyanonybooboo: First off, big hugs!! This really sucks.
Was he like this before you married him or did things do a 180 as soon as you said "I do"? I would say his behavior is inexcusable. If this is something recent that happened after the wedding then maybe it's repairable... through a lot of counselling... but I am not sure. If he won't go to counselling with you, you should go by yourself.
I think that you need to put the other guy on the back burner. Trust me when I say this - you've got major grass is greener syndrome. If you left your husband for him, it wouldn't necessarily work out. He's the knight in shining armor for you right now. Even if you do end up leaving your husband, it would be bad to go to this guy right away. Of course he seems perfect in comparison to your husband. I was in a similar situation when I was younger. I wasn't married but my on/off boyfriend was treating me like crap. I had a male friend I was very close to, and he seemed perfect. Once my ex and I broke up, though, I realized I wasn't actually interested in him. He was just my shoulder to cry on.
I don't know why your husband is being so mean to you. Have you tried laying it all out for him? Kinda like you did here? Usually face-to-face communication works best, but if you wrote him a letter/email maybe it might be more effective since he seems to be like a brick wall? Just throwing that out there.
Lack of sex is never an issue unless there is lack of intimacy which is a totally different animal which usually means there are other bigger factors. Go back and reread your post. Talk to your husband if he doesnt clean up then leave. I think your marriage has real issues possibly verbal abuse issues too. You should probably get counseling. Just know that if the shoe doesnt fit it wont fit in a year from now you'll just be angry that you didnt get your money back.
Don't end your marriage for your Ex. End your marriage for yourself.
Get counselling, or leave the situation. I'm morbidly curious, though. Given that your husband is such a... charmer, what exactly is it that you love about him? It's obviously not how he makes you feel.
@Chaoslight: When we first began dating he was my dream come true. He was never one for compliments but he would kiss me and tell me he loved me randomly. He would surprise me at work and bring me my favorite ice cream, leave flowers in my car if he knew i was having a rough day. he would send me text messages saying he was just thinking about me and couldnt wait to see me later. He could never get enough of me. We would spend everyday together and it was never enough. This all sort of went away around the 2 year mark, right before he proposed. But he would still do some f these things sometimes, not a lot, but it still happened. Now he doesnt even care if Im in the sme room.
Pleaae don't cheat on your husband. What he's doing is neglect and verbal/emotional abuse, but cheating is never the answer. I don't blame you one bit for wanting to move onto another relationship, but my advice to you is to end this one first. I say this not for HIS sake but for yours. You will feel so much better about a new relationship if you don't have to sneak around with a guy who would date a married woman. Since your husband is not willing to change and instead only wants to blame all of the problems in the relationship on you and he thinks it's an excuse to be abusive towards you, I would leave him. I'm so sorry for how much he's hurt you, especially on your wedding day. :( It was one of the most cruel things I've ever read on here and my heart broke for you. *hugs*
OP, I agree with the others that counseling is a good option, but I think it should just be solo counseling. It sounds like your ability to trust in yourself could use some strengthening. You knew going into the marriage that this was probably not a good idea and went through with it anyways. I did the same thing, and 5 years later, I was divorced with a child and the custody and debt issues that come with it. If you get out now, at least you won't have to deal with that, and you've got time to get back into the job market so you can support yourself.
I also get chronic kidney stones and I'm in the hospital a lot. The first time I had one when we were dating, he stayed with me all night. He wouldnt leave my side. When I came out of surgery, he was there holding a teddy bear and a huge bouquet of flowers.
I had to go to the er like 4 days after we came bck from our honeymoon. He drove me there but after about an hour left and had me call my mom to come pick me up.
I had to go again a few weeks ago. I ended up driving myself.
@anonyanonybooboo: When he started changing, you should've taken it as a sign of things to come, and definitely look at the parents to see what you're getting yourself into. My mom always tells me to make sure a man treats you like a queen before you get married, because it doesn't get better after marriage. It sounds like he has some growing up to do.
@arsing89: Exactly this.
Your husband sounds like my ex. His mom worked full time and took care of (and paid for!) everyone and every thing in the house, while dad made 4x as much and did absolutely nothing but sit on his ass and hoard his money. FI was going down the same path as his dad, and that's why I left--I was NOT going to work my ass off (I was working ~30 hours a week and going to school full time) and babysit him on top of it. I was okay with doing some household stuff, but he tried to get me to take over all of his (a lot of it was stuff that I had no idea how to do!), as well, and that was my last straw.
I think you need a partner, not a husband. I don't want to tell you outright to leave, but you deserve better, and I just don't think that you're going to get it from him.
Part of me thinks I am just expecting too much, like someting out of a romance novel. But I feel like that is how true love is. I want my husband to love me like I love him. I would do anything for that man. He's a jerk now, but he wasnt always that way. Like i said, I know he loves me as much as he is capable of loving me. It just isnt enough.
I would also look into the possibility of getting this marriage annulled.
@MoonlightRose: Annulled or a dissillusionment. We don't have enough together to go through a divroce. Just a dog. Everything in our apartment save our living room tv and mattress is mine.
He sounds like he wants a parent instead of a partner. I think mothers who coddle their children the way his mother did aren't doing any justice for their kids' future spouses.
I also am in the camp that says go to counseling. But if you do leave, don't leave for the other man.
See, I actually DID cheat. My ex was sexually/physically/emotionally abusive, a manipulator, and a pathological liar. He suffered from SEVERE diagnosed BPD. Anyways, I fell in love with another man, and the man I fell in love with became my husband. I don't know what made me actually CHEAT, probably fear that he'd hurt me if I tried to leave (as it had happened before), maybe because every time I tried to leave if he wasn't beating me up he either threatened to kill himself or made me feel guilty because he said he'd be homeless and die and it would be all my fault, I don't know. But I cheated. And regardless of the fact that my ex is a poor excuse for a human being, when people found out I cheated they treated me like DIRT. Lower than dirt, like I was the scum of the earth, which is disgusting to me because NONE of us are without sin and without being in my EXACT situation, nobody can really know how they would react. When all is said and done I wish I'd just grown a pair and ended it before cheating because once you have that Scarlet letter it seems like you're branded forever.
It seems like your husband is verbally abusive. I echo PPs and suggest either counseling or just leaving altogether. It depends if you really want to make it work or not, and if HE does, too. That's the thing, you can't force people to get help. If he doesn't want counseling and doesn't see that anything is wrong he's not going to benefit from it even if he does go. If you do leave, I wouldn't go running back to ex right away. Take time to yourself to get your feelings straight and figure things out. Good luck! I really hope it works out for you one way or another!
@anonyanonybooboo: Sounds like he was on his best behavior until he was sure of you. I am sorry this is happening but people do make mistakes. It is better to get out before you have children with him unless he is willing to change his behavior (and not just for a short period to convince you to stay)
@anonyanonybooboo: If you're going to leave him, then at the very least, you want to get a divorce. I don't know what the divorce laws are like where you are, but here in Canada, he can take half your pension for whatever years you are still legally married, and if he has any debt, creditors can come after YOU if he defaults on his payments for the loan(s). That's what happened to my mother-in-law.
@GFerg: I don't think I would leave for the other man. Not at first. I would leave and work on myself. I think my ex just brought to mind how i deserve to be treated. How I should be loved and cherished, not talked down to like a child but then expected to be the perfect wife and do his bidding.
It sounds like you really started noticing just how extreme his dependency on his mother has always been. It sounds like you didn't previously live together before the wedding, since you mention him already being this way before hand but not to this extreme, and you also mention that you figured his lack of ever cooking would change after getting married.
Why were you suddenly expecting your husband to change after the wedding? We should never marry someone we want to change or hope to change. Weddings don't magically make a person's flaws go away, or relationship problems go away. If anything marriage makes those things worse and more apparent.
I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy. What made you go through with everything when you were already having doubts before the wedding? Were you scared to disappoint your family, or scared to lose the money you already spent on the wedding? Or were you just hoping it was simply wedding jitters?
You really have 3 options here, either try discussing the issues and suggest counciling, leave him and file for divorce or simply leave everything as it is and stay unhappy. Leaving him because you feel something better came along (the ex), would be wrong, maybe you and your husband aren't meant to be together forever, but you will never know unless you've exhausted all efforts to repair your marriage before choosing to walk away.
I wouldn't say I understand why people cheat. I would rephrase and say, "I don't understand why people just don't leave a bad situation and be honest." Don't get me wrong, I know everything is not all black and white. I get it. I truly do. But IMHO, there is never an excuse to be unfaithful. It NEVER makes the situation better and now you would have to live with the guilt. I would advise you to leave your situation entirely (if this is what you decided to do) before beginning a new one. It is not fair to the parties involved and it is not fair to yourself.
@imageeksowhat: Thank you for sharing your story. The reaction from the people around you when they found out that you were cheating is exactly why I advised the OP not to do so herself. I don't want to see her get hurt any more than she already has been.
@drummerbride: We did not live together before being married. I never married him wanting him to change, I just thought he'd become more responsible because this was his own place, not his mothers. I see how how badly I judged that situation.
Try saying to him, "You said I should try to change the things that make me unhappy. Honey, part of what is making me unhappy is how you treat me. When you say *insert phrase of his*, it makes me feel like..." If he isn't willing to talk about your relationship, though, then I wouldn't stick around.
@imageeksowhat: Thank you SO much for sharing that. I don't think I have it in me to cheat. I have been cheated on numerous times and I know the pain in can inflict. I just really think about it. I day dream of me being happy with another man. That in itself can be considered cheating, but I don't think I would ever follow through in reality.
@peachacid: I've tried various ways to tell him that. He just thinks I'm being dramatic.
One night last week I went to bed because I was really tired and had a head ache. He woke me up JUST as I was falling asleep so I could watch some stupid youtube video of the Kardashian's cousin or something. I grumbled and he kind was handing me the computer and i was turning my head at the same time and it busted my lip. I just said, "ow ow ow ow ow that hurt" and he got up, threw his computer on the bed and called me a miserable bitch who brings everyone else around me down. And got in the shower. He came back to bed and apologized but the damage was done.
I am a good person. I'm outgoing, happy go lucky and I never not have a smile on my face. I'm just miserable around him. I don't want to elave him yet but I don't know how to fix things. I'm lost.
@anonyanonybooboo: Hugs! I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you said it best yourself; you know what you deserve and you are not getting it. Life is too short to be anything but happy. I would seek counseling and work on myself and then make my choices from there. Perhaps he is unhappy and possibly depressed... this is what happened with my ex. He was not happy himself so he was taking it out on me while all along telling me I was the mierable one. Please do what is best and safest for yourself!
@anonyanonybooboo: No problem, my cheating is not something I hide because in my particular case I'm not really ashamed of it, even if everyone thinks I should be. My ex was a TERRIBLE person. After the fact I found out he told everyone I cheated on him throughout our whole entire relationship with multiple men just to garner sympathy (I cheated on him once, with one man, and told him that I cheated THE DAY AFTER IT HAPPENED.) It's hard for me to feel guilty about doing something to someone that I'm pretty sure never loved me in the first place.
If you dream about one day being happy with another man, though, it almost seems like you don't want to "fix it". Which is ok! He treats you poorly, if I was in your situation I would leave, too. I'm not one of those people who thinks "well, you're married so you're stuck with them forever no matter how shitty they treat you." some things just aren't worth it. You just have to determine whether this is one of those things or not.
"He got up, threw his computer on the bed and called me a miserable bitch who brings everyone else around me down. "
This isn't acceptable. Ever.
@anonyanonybooboo: No, my dear, HE's the miserable bitch who brings everyone around him down! He ought to be ashamed of himself. You deserve SO much better. :(
I don't know if your marriage can be repaired or not. But I don't think that running off with an ex is a solution. Try counseling and talking. And if your marriage ends, take six months to a year off from dating to figure out what you want and what warning signs you missed. The solution to a flailing relationship isn't leaping into another one. It's fixing the relationship or ending it and learning what you missed and avoiding the same mistakes.
@imageeksowhat: You're right. Maybe deep down I don't want to fix things. Then I would imagine me happy with him, wouldn't I? I married him because I do love him, I really do. He used to be amazing and I can still remember the boy he was when I first met him, so much different from the man he is now.
I would like to try to exhaust all of my options before I leave. At least then I know I didn't give up, that I gave it everything I had to try to save this marriage.
@anonyanonybooboo: Then I highly suggest counseling. But remember: you can't force people to get help.
As long as you're in love with HIM and not just the thought of how he used to be and he is open to going to counseling, I do think you guys have a chance. Good luck! I truly do hope all goes well for you.
@anonyanonybooboo: Oh honey, you are NOT expecting too much. You deserve a partner, not someone who expects you to be their mommy/maid/sex toy/etc. That's exactly what my ex wanted from me, and I had to leave. He was also emotionally and verbally abusive, and would NOT listen to me telling him that HE was the problem in our relationship. I do think you should leave and go explore yourself, the world, everything. Learn how to love yourself and what that's like and then try dating again. <3
@anonyanonybooboo: Also, his behavior at the wedding speaks volumes to me. Anyone who would intentionally ruin the wedding by saying something that horrible is probably not a very nice person.
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