- 2 years ago
- Wedding: December 1997
I am going anon for this one, not because I’m embarassed to admit this but because I know my husband sometimes uses my computer and I do not want him to read this.
I haven’t cheated. I don’t know if I even will.
We’ve been married a little over 6 months and it has been pure hell. I can’t stand it. We don’t kiss. We don’t hug. We hardly ever touch. We haven’t had sex in 4 months. On our honeymoon, we had sex 3 times. That’s it. So much for newlywedded bliss because I sure as hell didn’t feel it.
Our wedding day was a nightmare, my family was pitted against his and he got mad at me for getting mad and blowing up on his family. The entire wedding night was tainted with him being pissed off at me. On our first dance I kept kissing him and he told me, “Stop being white trash. I don’t want to kiss you right now.” The rest of the night I put on a happy face while the entire time I feel like I had just made a huge mistake.
We got back from our honeymoon and I was more than determined to make this marriage work. Every step forward we would take, we would then take 2 more back.
His family works like this: His mother works her ass off. Does all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, yardwork and whatever else needs done. His father is retired and does nothing all day. Nothing. They own rental properties and he goes to collect the rent and fix whatever needs fixed. His mother serves him dinner, serves him coffee and serves her own grown mid to late twenties children. My husband never had to clean up after himself, never had to cook, serve himself dinner, nothing.
I thought this would be different when we got married and got a place of our own. I was so wrong. He got mad at me one night because I didn’t serve him the spaghetti I made. So he threw everything in the trash.
I asked him to clean up after himself and he think because he works all day I don’t work all that much that I should clean everything. I don’t mind doing the dishes, doing the laundry or cooking or cleaning because he’s right, I don’t work. I just don’t understand why it is so hard for him to pick up his messes.
He never says nice things to me, never does anything but come home from work and watch tv and make messes for me to clean up. He shows more affection to the dog than he does to me. Oh, he says he loves all of the time. I do think he loves me as much as he is capable but that is clearly not enough.
He does work hard to provide for us and for that I am so thankful. He always tells me he does this to help out our future. I do love him. I really do, I did marry him. But as much as I love him, I am so unhappy now I don’t even know where to begin to fix things. I told him that it was bothering me that we weren’t having sex. He said, “well you’re such an unhappy bitch anymore. That really doesn’t turn me on. Sorry.” I know I’m unhappy and that I take it out on him, but everytime I try to tell him how unhappy I am he ignores it or says, “stop being miserable and change things that make you unhappy.” Little does he know, or maybe he does and chooses not to see it, that me leaving him would help me to not be so miserable.
There is this ex-boyfriend of mine I had dated in high school for a few months. Nothing serious at all, we were like, 15. We talk every once in awhile on fb messenger. I think about him all of the time. I always wonder “what if…” what if I had dumped my husband for him like I thought about doing 3 years ago when he first made contact? What if I went with my gut feeling before my wedding and called the engagement off? Would happier? Would I be with him?
I recently, as in last night, got so unhappy, so lonely, so desolate feeling that I started talking to my ex and told him everything. That I’m unhappy in my marriage. That I should have broken up with my husband for him when I thought so hard about it, I should have listened to my gut and called the wedding off. It isn’t fair to my husband, regardess of how he is, to be emotionally involved with someone else.
My ex is a wonderful man. He has a good job, lives in the same town, has a great family and is and has always been a hopeless romantic, like me. I think about him a lot. How if I were with him he would love me, cherish me, be happy and proud that I was his. Kiss me, touch me show me the kind of affection I’d always imagine a man who truly loved me would show me. I have tried so hard, bees to get the thought of him out of my mind but I can’t. I went almost 2 years without talking to him, when I would see him out I would ignore him in hopes of these thoughts going away. All to no avail.
He understands that I am so torn and has honestly not pushed me either way. he just listens.
He wanted to meet up for coffee today but I just couldn’t do it and he uhttp://boards.weddingbee.com/board/emotionalnderstood totally.
Bees, I am miserable. I don’t know what to do. I realize that I should NEVER had told my ex how I felt but at the same time, what if he is the one I’m supposed to be with? What if I made this huge mistake like I feel that I have made and I;m suposed to be with him?
I haven’t told anyone how I feel, save my best friend who is actually dating one of my husbands good friends. They live together and she is trying to find a way to leave him. Other than that, I have put on this new bride happy face so no one knows. My family would be shocked.
I just don’t know what on earth to do. I want so badly to try to talk to my husband about this, but the past times I have tried got me nowhere and I’m just so tired of the struggle to try and be happy.
I know this is long so thanks for reading. Any advice is appreciated.