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Just try to take a deep breathe! I can totally relate to you, after we got engaged and I was in the middle of wedding planning I had a 2-4 week stretch where I was in freak out mode! Everthing comes to reality and can be very overwhelming. Just follow your heart & insticts and you will be ok :)
I've heard that guys freak out more about the engagement, and ladies freak out over the reality of the actual marriage. Since you two have been talking about becoming engaged for so long, maybe the reality of marriage is hitting you, even though you're not technically engaged? I definitely freaked out post-engagement, because forever is a scary proposition when you actually think about that and not just the excitement of getting engaged/married. But as PP said, just take a minute to breathe and if your instinct says this guy is still the one (in spite of all the little things), then follow that!
I struggle with that a LOT too, and I"m not engaged either, but for me the idea of "forever" is really daunting, but I think-to a small degree- doubt it healthy. It means you understand the gravity of the decision you are making, but also I have come to the realization that when you're making that level of commitment to someone, you have to continually work at maintaining that relationship and constantly making the decision to stay even when things get hard and making a conscious effort to grow together to prevent from growing apart.
I guess all this post is trying to say is "that's normal-you'll be fine"
@gocubbies: See how you feel after you get engaged. I think your feelings are normal, but probably not permanent if you still love him. The things you are asking no one can answer for you. Your marriage will be what you make of it. Your happiness will be what you two put into it.
Hang in there! I totally understand what you mean about the idea of "forever becoming real" being a bit of a scary thing. I've only had the ring on my finger for a couple of days and have already had a "forever becoming real" freak out moment of sorts.
The thing is, this sort of decision is HUGE and there's so much to mull over. Even if things are great there are naturally so many uncertainties about the future, it's hard not to play the "what if" game.
Breathe deep, and try to think about things logically and hopefully the funk will pass soon. I think it's totally normal and also a healthy thing to think very long and hard about the kind of commitment you are planning on making - getting engaged and married is a huge, life changing decision (duh! :) )
It's wonderful you can talk to your FMIL, and even better you can communicate so well with your guy. You've still got some time to mull over stuff before your planned summer engagement. Don't drive yourself nuts with this though!
I am definitely feeling a lot better after your responses and knowing I'm not crazy and also I'm not the only one!
@deetroitwhat: You are so true in saying that your marriage is what you make it. How hard you want to work at it and how much you are willing to give, compromise, and grow.
@MissHobbit: I honestly think that neither of us have been giving our relationship a lot of work or attention lately. It's been on the back burner and we both agreed to work at it. I told him you just can't expect it to be great.. All great things require hard work!
I think the most important question is whether you're afraid of spending the rest of your life with someone, or whether you're afraid of spending the rest of your life with HIM.
ya. we all go through rough patches in our relationships. i've been in a rough patch with D. we've been having fights. we just moved in together a month and a half ago, so i think it's just an adjustment period for us. but ya i know how you feel! he told me he's going to propose within 5 months. and now that i've moved in, we're suddenly fighting! he thinks i'm too emotional and sensitive, and when i get a little hurt by something he says he gets really upset and says he feels like he's walking on egg shells around me. but actually him doing that is HIM being over sensitive to ME which is really funny. and ya, with all this fighting lately i am wondering if we can spend the rest of our lives together. it's a really unexpected feeling!
@AmuseMeMusically: Wow, good thinking point. I need to dwell on that for awhile and really get down to it. I guess maybe it's hard because I've never really thought about a future with anyone else. I've had 3 serious relationships before my SO, but I felt too young to even think about it then...
@Impatiently waiting: I can totally understand where you're coming from. My SO also claims I'm too sensitive and emotional -- which I will admit that I am sometimes, but sometimes I don't think he HAS emotions, lol. It's not fun to be in a rough place, it's not easy being unsure of the future -- I hate it. I hope we both figure things out soon!
@gocubbies: Went through the SAME thing. It gets better after the fact. I think part of the wondering and lamenting has to do with self preservation, i.e. if it doesn't happen, we want to feel that we had an out anyways. Don't let it freak you out.
Yeah, I was like that too. And to a certain extent am freaking out even now that we ARE engaged. I think it's normal (hope so anyway)
I can relate! On Valentine's Day my BF was acting strange - bought a new outfit for dinner and movie (he doesn't dress up), sent me an edible arrangement to work (never have received anything at work before) and told me he was excited for dinner. I was CONVINCED he was going to pop the question and literally spent the entire day 30 seconds from throwing up with anxiety. It's not that I don't want to marry him, or that I don't want to be engaged, but my first instincts led me to panic. When I picture a proposal, the first feeling I get is wanting to run the other direction. I can't explain it, and it sounds like I don't want it, but I honestly think I'd feel much better just going to the courthouse and calling it done. Less stress...
I went through the same thing right before we got engaged. It was the reality setting in that this was it...forever. There would be no one else, no more flirting, no more first dates or first kisses, or anything like that. It made me doubt the relationship a lot but after we got engaged all of those feelings disappeared and now I am looking forward to spending my life with just one person. I think it is normal to be a little anxious about taking such a huge step.
aw hun,I think eberybody goes through a little freak out phase-Ive done it and every now and then and I still do. For me though it was the concept of getting married (the thought in your head of "freakin` hell I am gettin MARRIED!") and the idea of "forever" seems like the biggestscariest thing in the world,and its hard to get your head around it.But I found thinking about my FI every time I have a little weird out and the thought that he is the guy Im spending my lifde with him makes me calm down so muc.Hope this helps you out hunni xxx
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So... here we go. The boy and I have seriously been talking about being engaged for over a year. There was a mutual understanding between us we would most likely get engaged this summer and be married fall 2012.
Well, the time is nearing and I must be freaking out or something. The past week, I've been totally unhappy (hopefully it's just a funk) and I've been picking fights about every.little.thing that drives me nuts about him. It's been awful :/
I had a great talk with his Mom last night, I guess he'd called her b/c he wasn't sure what to do. I felt a lot better after the talk and the boy and I had a great night last night. Him and I also talked about some things and I do feel better about everything in general.
I think I'm just scared of forever finally becoming real. I've struggled before with wondering if he's "right" for me and wondering how happy I will be after 2 kids and 10 years. I'm again questioning if it's "right".... I mean, how do you REALLY know? Are there certain things you settle for?
I realize that we can be together and live together without a ring or being married... It's just I wanted it for so long, and now that it might be real I feel like heading for the hills. Ugh.