Now that I'm engaged, It saddens me even more that i'm not close with my family.

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010


I know this feeling. My mother and I were at each other’s throats when I was engaged. She is a very controlling and harsh woman. I eloped partly because of her rude comments and bossy attitude when it came to my wedding. She wouldn’t come dress shopping with me because I wouldn’t let her pick my gown. We get along better now but we will never be close. 

Are you close to your aunt? Perhaps she can be a mother figure for you on your wedding day. It is better to have three close friends rather than 40 false ones. Sometimes the way we choose to look at a situation can help-you may not have a close relationship with your mother but you do have some family members who love you dearly. 

Weddings are very monumental and emotional. They matter because they are a defining moment in our lives. I am renewing my vows next year because my wedding was terrible and I feel guilty for hurting my family. My husband and I also want to celebrate making it through all the challenges we have had in such a short time. 

*hugs* PM me if you want to chat more. 

Post # 3
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

Huge hug…..I wish I had some great words of encouragement and support for you.  But I don’t. All I can say is that I understand because if went through this planning my wedding.  My bio mother was killed when I was small and I ran away from home at 14 and never back. I’ve been able to as an adult make a network of family and friends.  

I just wanted to tell you,  you aren’t alone. 

Post # 4
4875 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I remember that feeling.  Both my parents were deceased.  We had terrible relationships anyway.  I have cousins I like just fine, but they’re on the other side of the country & we’re not really close.  My half sister is also across the country,  she won’t set one foot in CA ( fear of quakes).  Not even when our mother died.

So I remember that wistfulness.

Dh’s mom is still with us & elderly (just turned 90) & she was able to be there as were his nieces & cousin.  So I had “borrowed” family.

We really preferred a small & intimate affair anyway.  But I do recall suddenly wanting to reach out to family.

Post # 5
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m in the same situation.  Due to my parent’s divorce, and before that, their actions which lead to them alienating both sides of their respective families, my ‘family’ is now down to two people.  Both of whom live on the other side of the world.

FI on the otherhand, even though he is an only child, has a huge extended family on both sides.  His father is one of 13 children, and his mother is one of 6.  So he has numerous cousins etc on both sides. 

I also want to elope, for much the same reasons.  I don’t want to be reminded that I have virtually no family.  In addition, my FILs have been less than empathic about my situation (particularly my FFIL).  They have made it clear they won’t be helping to pay for what esssentially would be a party for 100% of their families.  I’m not willing to get into debt or spend a fortune for this.  

If you are certain you don’t want your FMIL to miss out, I’d have a very small wedding.  Personally, I’d elope.

Post # 6
4635 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m 22. Lost my mom 3 weeks before I turned 12 and my dad the day after I turned 16. I’m also an only child. My grandfather has been my world my whole life and its always been just us. My FI also lost his mom when we were 17. We got engaged 3 weeks ago tomorrow and on Saturday it will be 3 weeks since my grandfather passed away. I didn’t even get to tell him about the engagement because I wanted to do it in person since we were on vacation. We are also eloping because we don’t want to have to deal with our parents not being there. 

Post # 7
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

LongIslandRN:  Hugs to you!! Weddings have a way of spotlighting the people who aren’t there- especially family. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone- I can kind of relate- FI has no family- his father is deceased and his mother is estranged. He only speaks to his sister- that’s it- she will be the only member of his family there. His entire guest list is less than 20 (including spouses and girlfriends of his friends he has never met). While we were dating it was a non-issue, but wedding planning is a constant reminder that he doesn’t have much family. Plus, I moved across the country alone soon after we got engaged. So even though I have a mom, I had to go dress shopping alone (had no friends in thius new town), and planned everything without input/help from family/friends. Sometimes I wish I had a more traditional experience too, but I wouldn’t trade in my fiance for it- that’s for sure. We had to get creative. We are omitting the word family and families from everything (it seems awkward) and we are skipping some family-centered traditions. In the end, you need to listen to your heart. Only you know what you truly want.

Post # 8
6423 posts
Bee Keeper

LongIslandRN:  I totally get you and feel the same way. I nearly broke down in the middle of the last wedding I was at because I was reminded of all the love, support, and family that I just don’t have. Through no fault of my own, I only have my mom and that’s it — no other family left that I’m close to. And even though FI has a large family, they don’t like me, so I have no “borrowed” family and feel even more alone and rejected.

I’m still trying to figure out what we’re going to do. I want to elope and be done with it, but FI wants a big traditional wedding for his big family. 

I try to remind myself that not having a large, loving family around doesn’t speak to my qualities as a person. It doesn’t mean I’m any less worthy than the next person with parents/siblings/grandparents/aunts/uncles fawning over them. It just means I got dealt a shitty “family” card while others are lucky enough to have a huge support network around. It helps. Good luck and keep your head up!

Post # 9
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

*hugs*. i just wanted to give you some hugs. 

Post # 10
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

my family is driving me up the wall because they’re all materialistic and upset i’m not having a grand enough wedding. 

i don’t have many friends because my super close group all moved around the country so it’s really just me, my fiance, my one girlfriend and my cat haha. so i understand. 

<3 hang in there. 

Post # 11
22 posts
  • Wedding: August 2014

@LongIslandRN I can feel your pain. I have the exact same issues. I am never close with families due to various factor the problems exist ever since my childhood. It saddens me so much where I felt like I don’t have a family to call my own. But now I have my husband family which I am really thankful of. I am living on different continent than my families I wanted our wedding done as my husband and I wanted (we paid for everything) and I paid for my famalies flight tickets for them to fly over to north America and enjoy the wedding.

However my dad completely ruined my wedding day for me. Yes it was my fault not explaining the procedures more carefully so he blew up during rehearsal and refused to walk me down the aisle and sulked the entire night before the wedding. I cried so much in the shower the night before, I am 30 years old and I felt so defeated and so painful that my father on the night before my wedding decided to blew up in front of everyone. So on the wedding day itself I walked down the aisle alone and entire day of reception never once looked at me. Never smiled for any of the picture, dispised the food we served. 

Now I am looking at the wedding picture with all the families members on them while my dad never once smiled for any of the picture. Further more, my dad commented to my MIL that I broke all the promises I had with him ( which I have no idea What they are because we hardly speak). 

I am still crying from all my painful childhood memories that drive me to pieces. On top of that my wedding day fiasco I am really saddened by the relationship that we have. I don’t blame my dad but he drove a lot of us away by his abusive behaviours. I would like to honour him but it was really hard for me to do so. My only resolve was to pray for my own soul and his to be at peace. 

It’s your big day, understanding it’s going to be a challenge but do your best to hang in there with your husband. You know you have a bright future with your husband. That’s all it matters. 

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