(Closed) Now you're just somebody that I used to know…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Would you still invite her after all this?
    Yes, continue to be the bigger person. : (52 votes)
    41 %
    No, cut the ties and good riddance. : (74 votes)
    59 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9631 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    ((HUGS)) Wow, I am so sorry!  That must be so unbelievably hurtful.  You have nothing to feel guilty about. 

    And I’m going to vote, YES, continue to be the bigger person and invite her, because I can tell that’s the kind of person you are just from this post – how much you’ve tried, reached out, cared and been a wonderful friend.  I’m stung for  you.  I would be heartbroken over something like this. 

    But you did nothing wrong in this situation and you’ve tried so many times.  It sounds like she has some serious issues going on in her life.  Just do what you feel in your heart is right.  Try not to cry any more, I know it’s hard.  But you should try to move past this and realize that sometimes relationships and friendships just run their course.  If you continue being the bigger person, as you’ve been doing all along, you’ll have a clear conscience.  You have been a great friend to her, you don’t deserve this.  Maybe some day in the future she’ll explain what has been going wrong in her life or maybe she won’t, but you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

    Post # 4
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    If she doesn’t want “someone like you” in her life, then you don’t need someone like her in yours. She obviously wasn’t putting much of an effort into continuing your friendship in the first place.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1638 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @phoenixandstars:  I feel like at this point the friendship is long over. She never made a real attempt to contact you. I would send her an invite as the bigger person but know she probably will not come. However I would explain to your mutual friends what really happened and block her on FB. She did this, not you.

    Post # 6
    Member
    226 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2007

    I personally went through a different, yet similar drama with one of my (former) best friends.  It’d take too long to write down the whole issue on this thread but basically after all that happened we only see each other every few months when we meet up with our mutual friends & we are not actively in contact other than the occasional fb comments we make on each other’s posts.  It’s sad knowing how long we’ve been friends but I know that I tried to be the bigger person.  I tried to talk to her but she kept the attitude of “You’re not being a good friend so I don’t really need you anymore”. I was the one who initiated contact after the problems started and she wasn’t willing to reciprocate.  So after a while I just let it go.  It’s not worth holding onto someone who isn’t willing to make it work.  I don’t think you friendship will ever be the same but considering your past together I would still invite her knowing that she may not bother to come at all.  It’s going to hurt if she doesn’t come but don’t let it get to you & just let her go knowing that you tried your best. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    807 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I went through something similar (minus the bridesmaid drama, since FI and I were not engaged yet). My very good friend pretty much just dropped out of my life for no reason. It started slowly; she would hang out if I asked her to, but never initiated anything or asked me what was going on in my life. Then she became more and more distant. I kept trying to keep in touch and she was just always too busy/not interested. So I gave her space.

    Then she went through a personal tragedy. I reached out to her, even though it had been months since we talked, offered to do anything I could…and she made it clear she didn’t need me. Eventually I realized I just had to let the friendship go. It sucked. Losing a friend always sucks–regardless of the reason. I read this article a few months ago and it totally hit home for me.

    Sometimes there’s nothing you can do–people will change and it’s not fair but it happens. In this case, what may be the best thing to do is walk away (especially since trying to keep her in your life only seems to be leading to conflict). Hugs. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    7771 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    It is hard to maintain friendships across distances.  However, my dearest friends, I am friends with them for life, even though we rarely ever talk.  I know if I see them again it will be wonderful.  So, you did not make her a bridesmaid even though it was great whenever you saw her in person?  I can understand her being hurt, honestly.  Did you feel she really did not care, maybe she was envious of you, jealous, or maybe it was just the distance.  That can be really hard, well, both things- on a relationship.  If there is jealousy involved, it is a friendship killer.  It is just so hard to be friends long distance, at least, it is for me.

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    4465 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I can relate as far as losing a friend although the situation was different. This falling out happened after the friend got married prior to me even meeting my husabnd so there was no bridesmaid/wedding drama. By the time I got married we were no longer speaking to each other. She was invited to my wedding and came, which was sweet as she seemed happy for me. I would still extend the invite although she probably won’t come.

    Post # 10
    Member
    368 posts
    Helper bee

    I didn’t vote, because I don’t think there’s an easy answer. If this is REALLY out-of-character behavior for her, then I might be worried about her mental health more than about your hurt feelings. If it isn’t that far off from her usual self – and it kind of sounds like it’s been building up over time – then keep reading.

    On the one hand, I see your point – her reaction has been very dramatic/childish (I can’t believe she’s over 30!), and she’s made it pretty clear she wants to end the relationship. Honestly, passive-aggressive Facebook statuses would push me over the edge.

    However, I also get why she was hurt by not being chosen. Honestly – she probably thinks that you were the one who started this drama, not her. You say that things were “back to normal” when you were together, then back to being distant when you were apart. It seems like she didn’t realize that you were unhappy with the way your friendship was going, because she probably thought you were still good friends. She probably thought you were maintaining a long-distance friendship by getting together occasionally to relive old times, and didn’t think that being in constant contact via phone/internet was necessary to maintain the friendship. In her eyes, you’re probably the one who decided, out of nowhere, to make a grand statement that your friendship is not special (and, to be fair, you did have to DECIDE to exclude her from the bridal party – it’s not like you forgot to include her). I’m not saying that she was right to treat you how she did, BUT I can see how she might have been totally surprised that you felt that way.

    So – I don’t think there IS a right answer, in this case.  Clearly there was a misunderstanding on both of your parts. You should have let her know that you were hurt by how the friendship was going years ago, and you should have let her know that she wasn’t in the bridal party, but those are minor offenses compared to how she’s behaving. She has completely overreacted and basically ruined your relationship because she didn’t take the time to try and see things from your perspective. I wouldn’t want to be friends with her at this point, but I also would hate for you to lose a good friend.

    I think you should invite her to the wedding, and otherwise stop contacting her. If she later comes to her senses and apologizes, then you’ve left the door open – but if she wants to keep being angry at you, then you will save yourself the trouble of contacting her.

    Background: My best friend lives across the country, and while she loves to try and get in touch several times a week, I’m just not a big phone talker. I’m also a busy/focused person; while I’ll happily forgo sleep to talk her through a middle-of-the-night crisis, I cannot stand it when she interrupts my work to ask my opinion on buying makeup, or what she should cook for dinner, or something frivolous like that. I definitely try to make sure we talk often enough to know what’s happening with each other, and have a good hours-long conversation every now and then when we both have time, but she often gets annoyed that I don’t answer the phone or sit around to have long chats/text conversations with her when I’m busy with other things. On the other hand – she is the kind of person who’s often late to events or inconveniences other people for things like rides, lodging, making plans, etc., whereas I can’t stand being late or imposing on people (or being imposed upon). However, though we have grown into these different people and our lives have taken us to different places, she is still my dearest friend, and I’d be devastated if I wasn’t one of her BMs – and she’d be devastated if she wasn’t one of mine.

    Post # 11
    Member
    368 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    Somehow weddings seem to bring out the issues between friends that were lingering under the surface; I’d say that’s sort of what happened here. Bottom line though is that you didn’t do anything wrong; you’re not obligated to have ANYONE be your bridesmaid. Period.

    I went through a similar situation as well; essentially, a friend who had been near and dear to me had become a different person over the two years leading up to my engagement, and I didn’t ask her to be in my wedding. Essentially, she ended up not coming at all (because I didn’t ask her to be in the wedding), and we haven’t talked since. But the invitation was still extended, and I felt better having known that I tried to do the right thing. Though, I imagine, she feels SHE is right because she whole heartedly believed she deserved to be in my wedding. For each of us, our perception is our reality. But you have to do what’s best/right for you, in the end. 

    If you don’t invite her to the wedding, you’re essentially cutting off ANY hope that this friendship can at some point be rekindled. But if you’re okay with that, then that’s okay too – some friendships are meant to have an ending, at times sooner than we expect. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    1238 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I voted no, but not for cut the ties and good riddance.

    She was justified to be hurt that you didn’t talk to her personally, but that was some time ago. it appears she is just immature.

    Considering the distance and the ways she’s been acting, it’s unlikely she would even come if you did ask her. But, if in your heart you feel like the friendship is worthwhile salvaging, then make one more effort to have a heart to heart over the phone, and bring it up. ask her, “do you want to come to the wedding, would you be able to?”

    let her dig her own grave I guess. Don’t give her another reason to hate you.

    i just said this earlier today in another post, but sadly weddings seem to bring out the worst in people: your friends, family, and even yourself. I’m 6 weeks away and as excited as I am, I kinda can’t wait for it to be over, and just happily married.

    Post # 15
    Member
    576 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I went through a similar situation with my best friend. She and I are still close, but I have a cousin who is like a sister to me. I made my cousin my MOH and my best friend my BM. She was furious at this, and told me that she will just be showing up the day of, and not to ask her for any help with anything wedding related. My family wanted me to completely eliminate her from my life, but I didn’t; now that the wedding is closer, she is back to being my best friend.

    Post # 16
    Member
    487 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    As much as I would probably hate to have someone like this at my wedding after everything, I think you’ll come out looking better (especially if she’s suddenly sucking up to your friends) from this if you invite her. Chances are she won’t even show up, but if the invitation is there then you’ve done your part and she can’t go around saying you deliberately excluded her or anything that will no doubt make you look bad (which is obviously her intention).

    It really annoys me when women act like this over not being made bridesmaid etc. It’s not their wedding, they have no right to be nasty over who people choose to be in their bridal party. So catty!

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