Post # 1
My BFF got married in a small ceremony and is having a sort of small (80 guest) reception in a couple months. Since my SO & I hang out with her & her husband, we’ve been talking to them about the plans a lot and there are some similar “challenges” we’ll encounter when we get married.
BFF & her husband decided to split the guest total in half and each invite 40 guests. For BFF, this means she can invite her entire family and a handful of close friends, but no coworkers or “once a year” kind of friends. For her husband it means literally picking & choosing which of his uncles and aunts are invited and which aren’t. He’s considering asking one cousin to not bring her young twins (kids that he is CLOSE to) so that he can invite one more aunt/uncle set. 40 people doesn’t even come close to covering HALF his family and, with the invitations about to go out, he’s feeling really stressed and sad about offending people he really loves. But they are sticking with dividing it evenly so it’s “numerically equal”.
SO & I are the opposite… I have a HUGE family that I am very close to and he has a very small one. My “just close family I see more than just on holidays + only my best friends” list is right around 150. SO’s “my entire family, even people I haven’t seen in years + every friend I’ve ever liked” list is like 40. We’re planning for a 200 person wedding (even if it means a BBQ in the park!) because that is what would make it “emotionally equal”.
BFF’s way- one spouse is sacrificing far more than the other. My way- one family is totally overtaking the wedding. Neither seems great. So bees… how did YOU decide how to divide up the list?
Post # 3
My husband and I did the same thing you are since he has a large family and I don’t.
Post # 4
@MexiPino: My FH has very few family so most of the family guests are mine. It might be a different story if we had equally large families.
Post # 5
We didn’t really care about making it “equal” – we invited the people we wanted there. My side does have about 40 more people than his side, but its doesn’t make any difference to us. Our families are about the same size.
Post # 6
@housebee: Did it feel like your family was crashing his family’s party? We’re not engaged yet, but talking seriously about it. I’m trying to think of ways to make sure his family & friends feel comfortable and included. My family is not only huge but LOUD. LOL I don’t want his people to feel lost in the crowd.
Post # 7
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
@MexiPino: I agree that it doesn’t matter if the numbers are equal. You should invite the people you want to share your wedding day with. That’s all that matters. For my wedding, I invited more people from my side but more people from my husband’s side actually ended up attending. So it doesn’t matter much how even you try to make the invites because you never know how people will respond in the end.
Post # 8
The numbers at our wedding will be super uneven. He is from another country, therefore limited family and friends from his side will be able to attend. He seems ok with it, it’s just the reality of the situation. His closest family will of course be there. And some other relatives may surprise us and make the trip!
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I had more family members to invite than he did but he had more friends to invite so it worked out pretty evenly.
Post # 10
@MexiPino: I was actually worried about the same thing since my family only took up 1 table, and his family took up 3. Since we had planned our ceremony, reception and accommodations all at the same location, we decided to host some sort of meet n greet in one of the large suites the night before. We ended up doing a welcome dinner, so everyone was able to mix and mingle in a really relaxed atmosphere. The next day, our guests were all pretty comfortable with each other so it wasn’t a problem. However, both of our families and all of our friends are pretty loud.
Post # 11
My fiance has more super close friends than I do so I guess he has more friend guests on his side, but I have a bigger family so it evens out. Although our wedding is so small and we all know each other so well that it just feels like everyone is “our” guests, not mine or his.
Post # 12
I think you missed a poll option for – our families are different sizes and we invited different amounts of people.
We told both mothers ‘the more the merrier’ due to some conflicts that had previously arisen during some of our siblings past weddings – to resolve this we said we would invite all of those who may have been passed over previously.
My family is smaller so my mom sent less names back – we will also have less RSVPs from the extended areas because they would need to travel.
The # of people has never been an issue between us or our FIL’s.
Post # 13
Emotional. His family is WAY bigger than mine, and he has a ton of friends. All of my friends are in the wedding party. I have 24 people from my side (including my BMs). His is 66, not counting the small handful of no’s we’ve gotten (all from his side).
Post # 14
My family is MUCH larger, so as a trade off, he gets more +1s on his side (my cousins etc. aren’t getting one unless it’s a very serious relationship, his get one automatically). I actually don’t like how this is going down, but it does even the playing field (but my argument is that now my family will be annoyed that it’s unfair, and my parents are paying anyway – whatever, not worth fighting over).
Post # 15
My mother is one of 12 kids, and all but one has multiple children and grandchildren. My FI has only two aunts, and only one of which had children. Do the math and you’ll see that there was zero possibility of us ever having an even number. My guest list vastly outnumbers his, but he is inviting more friends to compensate; however, it still won’t match mine, even if his side didn’t have to travel.
Post # 16
We made a list of everyone who we wanted to invite + those from our parents. We then set a maximum number. Then we figured out who was likely to come and who would be getting “courtesy invites”.
Only then did we figure out what the ratio was going to be. For my side of things (larger family) we invited my aunts/uncles/cousins. For his side he got his family,”chosen family” (people who are such close family friends that they’re just as or more important than blood reletives), and his friends. In the end it was pretty even.