Post # 1
Background info: Some of you are aware we are eloping. We were originally planning a wedding for August but then decided to elope. When we were planning the August wedding my (paternal) aunt wanted to throw a lavish bridal shower. When we decided to elope I let her know it was no longer neccessary to throw one. I also deleted our Target registry. I only left china, silverware and drinkware on our Bed Bath Beyond registry as something for our parents and grandparents to get us (if they wanted to, not expecting them to).
A little over a month ago FMIL asked FI what dates she could have a bridal shower for us. When he asked me I told him I was not comfortable having a shower. He reacted with “my mom just wants to do this because she loves you.” I know that is the case but I still do not want to have a bridal shower because:
1. The rude factor. We are eloping. I think it’s rude to ask people to come to this shower and buy us a gift when they are not invited to the wedding. When I expressed this to FMIL she said “no one will think it’s rude. It will be fun!”
2. The living together factor. We have lived together for over a year and have 95% of what we need.
3. The eyes on me factor. I hate being the center of attention. I am very uncomfortable with having a shower. I didn’t even want one when we were planning the August wedding and when I told my aunt it was no longer neccessary to throw us one I was relieved.
4. Dramz factor. My mom already told me she won’t come. Plus I already told my family it was not neccessary to have one. I really do not want them to get an invite or see photos on FB (because we all know it’s inevitable) and them think “I thought she didn’t want one.” The people who would react the most poorly to this are my (paternal) grandma and aunt.
5. Etiquette factor. Maybe I’m being an etiquette nazi but the mothers are not suppose to throw the shower.
I do feel guilty for not wanting a shower because I know FMIL is only doing it out of the kindness of her heart and because she wants to. Part of me thinks I should just suck it up and have it (but then I go back to the whole this is rude thing).
Am I nuts or not for not wanting to have a bridal shower?! If you think I’m being a bridezilla I will suck it up and have it. If you bees think I’m not nuts then I will approach FMIL.
I do not need advice on how to tell FMIL that I am uncomfortable with having a bridal shower. But would love to know if I’m nuts or not!
Post # 3
No. I think you’re right for not having one. You’re eloping! If people want to buy you wedding gifts after the fact, that’s one thing – but you shouldn’t feel the need to accept a bridal shower that you so clearly don’t want and feel uncomfortable having.
Post # 4
I think you are being awesome and completely unselfish…aka definitely NOT nuts!
Post # 5
If you don’t want one, you don’t want one. You’re not nuts!
Post # 6
I don’t think you’re nuts- I would feel the same way. In fact, I feel like a lot of the events being thrown for me have not followed etiquette as I see it. I’ve learned to try to just let go and let my friends/family do nice things for me. It’s not a reflection of me when things aren’t 100% ideal etiquette wise.
If you’re really uncomfortable, maybe you could suggest it be a bridal luncheon or something instead of a “shower”. Then gifts won’t be presumed and you might feel less awkward about the whole thing, but your FMIL can still throw you a party like she wants? Maybe she could even contact your aunt to see if she wants to help?
Post # 7
It’s not appropriate to invite people to a shower if they’re not invited to the wedding. So I think you are right. However, maybe you could let your MIL host a post-elopment celebration for your marriage?
Post # 8
I don’t think you’re nuts, I think you’re right, a bridal shower isn’t really appropriate in your situation. However, just because you’re eloping doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate with others – I like the post-elopment celebration suggestion. It sounds like your FMIL is really keen to organise something for you – maybe she could help organise a post-elopement party?
Post # 9
@les105: @msfahrenheit: I think you both have great ideas! I always like presenting people with alternatives when I’m not a fan of the original idea lol.
With the aunt helping she lives across the country.
Also, we are eloping in Europe so it won’t be legal here. We are having a civil ceremony with just the parents and grandparents when we get back and I was really hoping that would be sufficient to please them (I really just wanted to go to the courthouse to make it legal, that is where I did compromise to make her happy).
ETA: I’m not interested in an after party or reception or anything like that. See this post. FMIL is remarrying in June so she has that to plan!! Even if we did have some sort of party after my family and his are 5 hours apart so it presents a whole other set of logistical issues.
Post # 10
I don’t think you’re nuts at all. I would definitely raise an eyebrow at being invited to the shower of someone who’s eloping, but I guess I’m judge-y like that. Perhaps have FH indicate that you would love it if she took you to lunch or something with immediate female relatives as a “welcome to the family” kind of thing. I’m fairly sure she just wants to throw you a shower to make you feel welcomed. I think a mom, sisters, sisters in law, and grandma only kind of lunch would be a great “we’re now officially the ladies of the insertnamehere family” kind of deal
Post # 11
I only think that you’re nuts if you’re considering letting them throw this for you when you clearly don’t want it.
Post # 12
@MrsBroccoli: LOL maybe a little
Post # 13
How about asking for a small brunch welcome home reception for when you get back. No one brings a gift and she gets to plan something. Just make it immediate families. It would make her happy and is a good compromise.
Post # 14
@bricon: I LOVE that idea. This would be a great compromise. Something along the line of a jack and jill welcome home shower. But make sure she knows to have it low key.
Post # 16
So here’s what happened…
I expressed all of my feelings about it and it was brushed aside.
I offered the alternatives/ideas that you all had given me and I was shot down.
Then I said ok well if this is really what you want to do then that’s fine but I’m still uncomfortable with having gifts to which she promptly declared there would still be gifts. So basically it was a waste!