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I'm so sorry your parents are putting you through this, all of it. I was rasied Catholic as well, and IMO, I don't understand how God would not love any of His children- straight, gay, or otherwise. People don't deside to become gay, for many its a part of their DNA like the color of their eyes or hight. Your brother is very lucky to have a sister who loves him for who he is, no matter what. It's really unfortunate that your mom is trying to use that love to 'fix' him.
Try talking to your mom about how much this hurts you and your brother, and how you feel about the CD's. I wish I could have some really good advice for handling this situation, but my family are very religious as well, and pretty much stopped talking to me after I moved in with my (now ex) BF years ago (living in sin). I never let it bother me that much though, I was always the black sheep anyway, and it was an abusive upbringing.
Sorry, whent off topic- Your post reminds me of an episode of Lisa Lings our America, 'Can you pray the gay away?" Maybe you can check it out and I don't know, maybe it will give you some insite on how to deal with your parents.
::hugs:: I'm sorry I cant be of more help.
Wow! this is a really tough situation - I, like you, was raised catholic but don't practice really unless im at the in-laws house. My personal opinion on that matter is that your brother, along with anyone else who is gay, does not choose to be that way - who would condemn themselves to a lifetime of judgement willingly? so I don't buy into the "fixing" and i dont understand these groups who look down upon people who are gay - they are people, just like everyone else and they deserve the same rights as straight couples/people.
I don't know how i would approach this situation with a parent or someone who is hellbent on not seeing another point of view but I think you need to be honest with them and not just try to please them so you dont have to talk about it with them you know? for you and your brothers sake. Tell her exactly what you told us, you tried to listen and you just couldnt take it anymore. I bet it would make you feel good about yourself to stand up for something and someone you believe in. The only other thing i can think to do is try to explain your side of it and see if they can see the logic in it because it is logical.
BUT if you are truely trying to repair your relationship maybe another approach would be better and just agree to disagree. the issue from that point forward should not be in discussion.
My gut reaction after reading your post would be to just listen to the cd's (so you at least know what exact hogwash is instilled in your parent's heads) but tell your mother that you're sorry if it hurts them but you don't agree with it.
I'm sorry that I don't have anything more constructive to say, but I hope that if this attempt to "fix" him doesn't work, then your parents lay off because that is a stress that you don't need and if I were you, I would let my parents know that. *hugs*
Thank you all for your responses. I really felt confused this morning about what to do. I think you are each right. I will listen to the remainder of the discs (if nothing else, I guess I can tell myself it is an academic endeavour in religious beliefs?), but I don't think it would lay on my conscience to NOT speak up and let my parents know that I cannot agree with what this man is preaching in his lectures. I'd be doing my brother a huge disservice, as well as my other friends, and myself by "playing along" that everything is fine.
It just hurts my heart. I know first hand what it is like to feel exiled from your religion and your family, although mine was a choice and I DON'T believe that homosexuality is a "choice that can be prayed away." They pushed me so far out of their lives, and that hurt me so badly. I don't want them to do the same to my brother. He is a good man, a kind person, an extremely intelligent man with a heart of gold. He is quiet, reserved, responsible, and pretty much every other trait our parents wanted to instill in us when we were children. To think that they sit there everynight saying the rosary to try and "fix" something that they deem to be "broken and evil" in a young man that I see as anything BUT broken or evil....well, it just makes me want to cry. This is their son! Their flesh and blood! It feels like they are trying to turn me and my older sister against him by sending us this stuff...and I just don't understand it.
My mother is very good at playing the "woe is me" card...and guilt trips are horrible. I am very afraid of backlash, or a silent treatment, or being made to feel like I have turned against the family. I just feel like they are turning the family against itself. :(
I would not lie and I would not listen to the CDs. Tell your parents that they are entitled to their beliefs and you will respect that. But that your love your brother and will continue to be a part of his life and that frankly, you dont want to discuss his sex life at all.
I know this might be hard and that you might lose a little ground with your relationship with your parents initially. But avoiding the situation is not going to help. Your parents need to recognize that you and your brother are adults and your brother's orientation and your choices are not up to them any more. Would they rather not have relationships with their own children?
I'm so sorry about the pain you have been through!! It's so sad to see someone who IS a good person like yourself being condemned for your choices. God loves you and your brother no matter what. God wants us to have truth in our lives, and if you have to lie to your parents about the CD's, that will only hurt you and them. It's okay to think the CD's suck (they do). You are still a good person and a child of Christ regardless. Your brother is also a child of God, and so is his partner. God doesn't make us this way by accident. I hope you know that!
My dad is a minister, as well as both his parents (my Grandparents). Well, my uncle, their youngest child, is gay. They love him anyway. They love his boyfriend. He is a part of our family. His boyfriend is just as much my uncle as my bio-uncle is. He is welcome in our family no matter what. We all have a relationship with God. It's too bad your parents are not that way. I can't imagine how painful that must be!
I wish I had better advice for you, but I would ask that you explore your own spirituality. God forgives you for having the abortion. There are millions of GOOD people out there who have had abortions. You won't be punished. Where do you see yourself in all this? How do YOU feel? You don't need to listen to those stupid CD's!!! Focus on asking yourself if you have a relationship with God or not. If you do, great. Ask Him for help in healing through this mess, and to help with tendency to drink/have an eating disorder. Ask Him for strength in dealing with your parents. If you don't believe in/don't want a relationship with God, that is also fine. No one should be forced into religion, ever. I have also gone back and forth like you. Maybe you get to a good place with the Lord's help, or maybe you will do it on your own. I have done both. No one should judge you, period. That is SO anti-Christian!!
PM me if you'd like. (((((((((HUGS))))))))
Be honest with your parents. You told your mother you would try to listen to the CDs, and you did try. You just couldn't handle the rest of it, and it made you physically sick.
I'm not religious myself, but when I read situations like this it makes me sad. On two sides you have people with very strong, but opposite, beliefs--how do you reconcile? Especially between family. Sorry, OP, I don't have better advice, but I think honesty is best. If the situation were turned around, would your parents be willing to listen to why being gay is not wrong?
I am so sorry for the terrible situation you are in. I am Catholic, and have my own personal beliefs. However I would never judge someone for what they believe. I am actually Roman Catholic, and I don't know if that makes a difference, but back in highschool my religion teacher always taught us that it is possible for the bible to preach one thing but we feel God believes differently. I would try talking to your parents and explain that it is not their place to judge. That is only Gods job, and they too are technically "sinning" by judging and subsequently punishing you and your brother. If abortion, or being gay is a sin that is between God and that person, not that person and people around them.
Just a sidenote, I too believe being gay is not wrong, and people are simply born that way. I also believe that God does not make any mistakes, and he intended your brother to be exactly who he is.
I hope there is a happy ending to this situation.
I believe that you just have to be honest and direct.
"Mom, I started listening to the CD's but they were so offensive to what I believe that I didn't get very far. I am not going to finish listening to them. I found the references to abortion to be painful and I found the view of homosexuality to be offensive."
She is an adult, she should be able to handle you being honest.
Good Lord. I'm sorry you're going through all this. I wouldn't listen to the cds, and I would tell your parents that you weren't able to finish listening to them because they were so far removed from your beliefs. It looks like you may have to leave it at that. Are your parents computer savvy? Maybe you could send them a few links online that help explain how YOU feel about some of the same issues they have so much trouble accepting. When they read through them, you could consider listening to more that they have to say. This whole thing seems very one sided to me. Why would you have to conform to their beliefs and agree with them when they don't seem willing to hear YOU and your brother (and most of the rest of the modern world) out? Good luck with all this. I'm glad you and your brother are able to stick together.
No, mail the CD's back to your mother. When you talk to her (even via email) explain that you honestly TRIED to listen and see where they were coming from, but you couldn't do it. Tell her you don't want to get into a religious debate on ANYTHING, but your views are very different. It doesn't sound like either of you are likely to change anytime soon, so you'll have to find a way to agree to disagree if you want to continue communication. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm so glad your brother has at least one family member he can confide in...it sounds like you two are going to be all you both have someday 
Be honest with your parents and yourself. Tell your mom you attempted to listen to them. You quickly discovered the cd's are not in line with your way of thinking. Tell her that you understand and respect her beliefs and will continue to do so, but you would really appreciate her behaving the same in return. Tell her the her requests make your stressed, uncomfortable and physically ill. Tell her that you very much want a relationship with your parents and your desire is for you all to agree to disagree. Point blank tell her that you do not want her to push her agenda on you as you communicate with one another. She's not afraid to tell you what she wants. Tell her what you want! And... tell her from this point on you would not be willing to listen to cd's, read any books, watch any videos, have any converstaions on that subject.
Wow that must be a horrible feeling. Now that the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, concerning your abortion and your brother's homosexuality, I think you should tell your parents that religion is not what guides you as it does them. You don't subscribe to the teachings of the Catholic Church as they do, so from time to time you will have to agree to disagree.
I know many religious people who think that their judgment is helpful, but my beliefs vary so drastically from theirs that I have to avoid certain topics and conversations just to keep the peace. Since these people are your parents, I think you will have a much harder and more emotional road than most. I really feel for you, but you sound like a grounded and smart person, and I admire your courage. I think you will need to be strong for your brother and yourself. Please don't let this bring you back to the familiarity of your eating disorder.
They won't like anything you have to say unless it falls in line with their religious beliefs, which it won't, so just keep your head up. Good luck!
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I am a regular poster. I decided to post anonymously as I have photos of myself and my bridal party under my regular name, and would like to keep my brother's privacy in tact as he is not yet publically "out" to our whole family.
My parents are Catholic. I was raised Catholic. I fell away from the church a little over 10 years ago, when at 19 years old I had an abortion. It was one of the hardest decisions of my whole life. I did not come to that decision lightly, by any means. In fact, I spiraled down a path of severe depression and started to numb myself with alcohol for years after. I have just recently started to forgive myself, get past my depression, and have quit my self-destructive habits. I guess I am just telling you this as a bit of back story....I don't want to be beat up for my past decisions, as I've done plenty of that to myself over the years. What I am telling you is just the tip of the iceberg regarding the emotional scars that were left by this ordeal.
I didn't tell my parents. I was in a serious relationship at the time (in college) with a young man who was also Catholic. He also ended up having trouble dealing with this. But we were young, and we felt it was the best we could do at that time. I had been having serious problems with an eating disorder before I got pregnant (actually, didn't even think I COULD become pregnant at the time, since I hadn't had my period for over two years...this was before I was fully aware of how fertility works with amenorrhea). This factored into the decision. I was unsure I could carry to term given my active eating disorder, and was in no place mentally to take care of my pregnant body like a child deserved.
My parents snooped through my medical paperwork before I went in for a routine pap smear about a year later. I had listed on my paperwork "number of prior pregnancies and the outcome." They pretty much freaked out. I felt extremely violated that they invaded my privacy, then judged me after. They also found out that I was on contraceptives at the time. My parents and I had a large falling out, and I have only recently started to repair this relationship with them. It took me moving to the other side of the country before I could finally try to open up communication with them again. I feel bad for saying this, as I DO love them. I don't think they are bad people. I just cannot agree with them on some very core issues that they feel deeply about.
This brings me to my current dilemma. My younger brother is gay. He came out to me about 3 years ago, and soon after told my parents. This was before I had moved away, and at the time, I was doing much better with my eating disorder and was not drinking. Their reaction was even worse than when they found out about my abortion. Everything fell apart in my family. It was pretty horrible. My mom would call me (at work!) crying to me about how I needed to "fix" my brother (who, at the time, had moved in with me and my boyfriend). I couldn't take it. The constant calls, emails, crying how it was "wrong" and "sinful" and he was just "confused" and "certainly NOT homosexual!"....well, I kind of mentally broke down and went back to my eating disorder and drinking to cope. I got so sick, I ended up in the hospital. I had no probelm accepting my brother for who he was. I actually ended up moving in with my brother and his boyfriend shortly after I broke up with my boyfriend. I, in no way, shape, or form, condemn their lifestyle. They are happy. They are in love. My little brother found a GOOD person who LOVES HIM, damnit, and I just can't see how there is a problem with that. He is my brother, and I love him...all I want is for him to be happy! Couple with this, the fact that I have more than a handful of VERY close friends who are also homosexual or bisexual. It has never been an issue for me.
After I moved, I got married. I finally started talking to my parents on the phone again. Things seemed to be getting better, and for the most part, they know what to NOT talk to me about or preach at me. This is why I am so confused by what happened recently. They sent me a set of cd's with a Catholic speaker talking about "The Homosexual Agenda." My mom asked if I would please just listen to them, so I could see where they were coming from as Catholics with their thoughts on homosexuality and my brother's relationship. I didn't want to agree, but rather than cause more drama and splinter our relationship again...I said I would "try." Well, a month went past and I hadn't opened the cd's. My mom asked me about it on the phone one evening, and I replied that I hadn't had a chance to listen to them yet. I could tell she was really hurt. So, for the psat month...I avoided calling my parents so I could avoid the "have you listened to our cd's yet?" question. I've been keeepng in touch through email instead (I know....chicken shit of me).
I finally decided to give it a shot on the car ride to work this morning. I popped the cd in my car's player, and started my commute. Not 10 seconds passed before I felt like chucking the damn cd out the window! I can't get through the first disc, let alone listen to all three that came in the series. It immediately dove into how homosexuality was an attack on life, much like contraception and abortion!! Since no child could come from a homosexual union, it was wrong and sinful...and an abomination in God's eyes. It goes on to talk about abortion and contraception as well...and....well....I now feel like my stomach is in knots, my blood pressure is WAY up, and I am pretty damn angry!! There is no way I can sit and listen to the entire series and then have anything "nice" to say about it when my parents ask me!
I'm not trying to condemn anyone else's beliefs on this matter. I promise. I am just trying to figure out how to best handle the situation. Do I continue to listen to the discs, begrudgingly? How do I respond to my parents? Am I wrong to be upset by this? I can't keep avoiding the conversation, and I don't want to go backwards with my relationship with them. But I don't want to lie them and say that I wasn't hurt by the discs. How would you handle this situation?