NWR, but an emotional rant

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Haruyou:  I don’t understand what you’re hurt about…that they have a bigger apartment than you do??

Post # 5
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

The MIL and FIL may be excited about grandchildren with thwir daughter because, well, that’s their daughter. It’s a different experience when your own daughter is pregnant. 

Their relationship may last, it may fail, but please don’t hold onto that to make yourself feel better. Thinking that way can actually do more harm than good. 

This is not a competition. You and your fiancée are not FSIL and FBIL, and they are not you. What they have will never be what you have, and vice versa. Their life is their life, your life is your life.

FSIL will likely be treated differently than you by her parents because she is their daughter. 

I know your anxiety makes this difficult for you, but if you can say something to yourself when you get anxious and start thinking about it, you might be able to let it go over time. Something like “We are different people who have different lives”, “What they have is not my concern”, or anything that fits the situation and makes it clear to you that there is no competition or rivalry between you.

Post # 6
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Haruyou:  I might get flamed, but honestly – this is the way it is usually with ILs.  Their own daughter is usually more of a priority than a DIL.  I know what you’re thinking – “But it’s their son!” – but I think when there’s a daugther and a son, they are going to be more excited about things that their daughter is doing (having children, etc) because she will probably be around all the time getting advice, etc. from MIL.  Also, 18 is probably a litle young to be encouraging children – maybe I would be questioning MIL (in my mind) about what she is thinking?!? 

I guess it depends on how you look at it – what I love about it is that we can do whatever without any interference from his parents.  They are kind and lovely, but for the most part, they just let us live our lives.  We don’t get opinions, etc. because for the most part we keep to ourselves and they accept that.  I think it’s all in the perspective here!

if you meaure yourself against others, you’ll never win.  There’s always going to be someone that you know who has more – a bigger house, nicer car, great vacations, etc, etc.  It doesn’t mean that their lives are better than yours or that they are happier.  We never really know what’s going on behind closed doors.   

 

Post # 7
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You need to stop worrying about what they have, and focus that energy on the great things you have….you are never going to be happy if you compare yourself to others.

Post # 8
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Haruyou:  can afford?  you dont know what people can afford.  maybe they spend more than they should.  well, obviously they do!

Post # 10
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Wow. this is ridiculous. Maybe its the only child situation that has got to you. Never had to share, so you are jealous when people have things you don’t or it seems they are better off. 

I think it is especially ridiculous because it seems that they aren’t even “better off”…if they sold a car to pay rent, and are sleeping on the floor…. Why the hell are you jealous? 

Stop comparing yourself and thinking about what you dont have. Think about how blessed you are for what you DO have.

Post # 11
Member
1422 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Haruyou:  I totally understand where you are coming from.

Of course as PP said you probably want to get over it, yadda yadda. You probably already know that, but it will take a little time and the way you’re feeling is normal. It’s really hard as a human not to compare, it’s what we do. I read a book one for a class (I was a Sociology major) where they discussed a study on the topic (I don’t remember the exact numbers). They asked people if they would rather live in  world A where you lived in a house that was 3k square feet, but everyone else lives in a house that was 4k (square feet. Or in world B where they lived in a house that was 2k square feet, but everyone else lived in a house that was 1k square feet. Most people picked world B. Even though their house would be smaller, it’d be bigger than everyone else’s. 

I am in grad school, working at student jobs, but my husband as a great job that he loves. We live very frugally and are able to save quite a bit. My husband has a friend who was in his same program in college, but works full time whilei going to school and so it taking longer to graduate. His wife is done, but doesn’t work because she is home with their kids. They bought a house while we still live in an apartment. I love our apartment, part of me never ever wants to leave it because I love it so much. But sometimes when we visit them I feel a little jealous because if they have a house, so maybe we should or could have a house too. It’s not really rational as I’m sure you know. We could buy a house, but it’s not the way we want to prioritize our spending. 

Just remember that everyone has different priorities (maybe you guys value being financially stable over having a nicer living space while they do the opposite and both choices are ok). You are seeing the highlights of their life (the nice apartment) and missing the bloopers (the worry about paying the rent) while you are seeing all the bloopers of your life so it’s really hard sometimes to feel like you’re doing all the right things but not as happy, or successful, or whatever as others. Feel free to vent here, that’s what we’re here for! I hope you feel better soon, good luck!

Post # 12
Member
1422 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Haruyou:  Have you seen the curious case of Benjamin Button? They just had a matress for a long time and it did look terribly romantic. But, unless fbil is Brad Pitt is probably not quite like that 🙂

Sometimes I want to think about how others can’t really afford what they have and we’re really making better choices, etc. etc., but that’s not really nice and the way I want to feel about people we’re close to either. I sort of feel like it’s a multi step process to get to a place where you can be happy about things that make your friends happy. 

I’ve noticed that when I’m really content with where I am (which for me at least is more about me being content, then having all the things etc. etc., can you ever have all the things?) I do better. It also helps when I focus on them as people and think about priorities again. We’re making better choices for us, but I can only assume they feel like they’re making the best choices for them and that’s good too.

Post # 14
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Haruyou:  hmmm….it seems like you just want to wallow in this for a bit – you seem to understand the logic of the issue, and yes, changing is hard, but you haven’t really talked about any possible solutions for yourself.  You have to ask yourself what you can do to focus on YOU and YOUR LIFE not other peoples. Maybe focus on making your life amazing and you’ll find you don’t have time to compare yourself and your life.  

Post # 15
Member
1422 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Haruyou:  It’s really been a process for me to get where I am, and I’m still not jealousy free (hopefully I will be someday!).

 

A couple of years ago it was much worse :). My husband had two guy friends (one is the husband of the couple I mentioned earlier) who met women in the spring time. They were engaged in the fall (about the time that we met). We are mormon, so this is pretty normal for us. They both planned to be married the next spring/summer, but then moved their weddings up to that winter. Winter! Can you believe? Less than a year after they met!

 

Meanwhile (as you can see), I am going crazy. I was so frustrated that we weren’t even engaged, and my husband had every intention of waiting at least another year and a half to be married. Of course, this is fast for many people but it’s all relative imo. One of the women (not the wife of the couple I mentioned earlier) was really snide about it and acted like she was better than me, more mature, etc. because she was engaged/married while I was simply dating. It was awful. I have a distinct memory of going into the basement to cry in private during a bbq because she was so cruel about it (my poor husband felt really bad when I told him after we were engaged, at which point I began to cry at the sad memory). I also cried at the wedding reception (in the bathroom, don’t worry I didn’t cause a scene) of the couple I mentioned before because I just so wanted to be married to my husband (as you can likely sense, I am a crier).  In the end getting married when we did was absolutely the best choice for us and I have been so happy that we decided that, but at the time it was miserable to be so “left out”.

 

Just like everything else in life I like to take baby steps (a la What About Bob). 

 

Being in a place I am happy with has helped a lot. I love my husband, my program, our apartment. I am a very happy clam which helps me not be jealous of other people. But, I’ve also had to get into the mindset of being happy with these things. I think there are stepping stones. There’s no reason imo to deny yourself your feelings. If I am feeling jealous I don’t say “that’s stupid, no feeling that way” because that doesn’t help me. Instead I say “That’s not rational, the choices we made are good for us, let’s move through this”. (I like the move through, not jump over, as jumping over doesn’t really work for me).

 

One stepping stone for me has been, as poor of a choice as it is, to think about why the choices we made are better for us, and sort of trying to think of the blooper reel in others lives. The couple with the cruel wife aren’t together anymore (because she was crazy, as I knew all along). The couple with the house and babies are still in school (and will be for years, probably 4 years after my husband has graduated) and the husband works seriously at least 12 hour days between work and school to provide for them the things they want. This works for them, but it could never work for us (we both fall into quality time in the love langauges). I sort of try to move past thinking about the “bloopers” by thinking about how we’ve just made different choices. If my husband got a second job and I worked full time while I was in school and we weren’t concerned with an emergency fund then we might buy a giant house, but we are not willing to do those things for a house. Your SIL is willing to sleep on the floor, and sell the car to barely make rent in order to have a really nice apartment, but you value being careful with your money and having a bed. Everyone is entitled to their own choices, even if they don’t make much sense to others.

 

I also try to think about something I found in Slaughterhouse V (but I think it’s pretty popular) about changing the things you can, accepting the things you can’t and knowing the difference. In this house situation I can 1) be jealous, which is fine for a while but not how I want to be all the time; 2) buy a house, which isn’t really right for me, and may be better or worse than other houses my friends have; or 3) be happy with what I have. I prefer three, it is the most happy, peaceful, comfortable which I generaly enjoy. It’s sort of a mind over matter + baby step thing for me.

 

Sorry this is a million years long and probably redundant but I hope it helps! If you want to stop being jealous you can do it and I think it will probably be more enjoyable in the long run :).

 

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