Weddingbee boards

I can't believe I'm even posting this, but everyone has been wonderful so here goes:

My mother and I don't really get along.  I find her to be childish in the most irritating ways, which have gotten WORSE over the years as I've gotten older and her irresponsible doctors have put her on a cocktail of narcotics, benzos, etc. for all of her health problems.  She is severely depressed, passes blame on everything and everyone but herself, and I am tired of bending over backwards for her.

The straw that hit the camels back today was a phone call I made to check in with my folks before my trip.  My mother went on and on about a television show she was watching, and then lamented about her failed Avon drive (No one ordered from her).  No one ordered because she didn't try to sell anything.  The most she did was send an email out to 5 people with her website.  She has not gone out to hand catalogs and she blamed it on "not having a large enough family".  Last week when I visited for a grueling three days, she blamed it on "being sick" and "not being able to go out".  She had a cold.

She is in denial over everything in her life, from her depression to her over-medicated prescriptions for diseases she should suck up and deal with.  I previously reached out to her because she has a very small social circle, but all she did was complain about everything from my father's job loss (no fault of his own.  she cannot work or collect unemployment or disability) to how my siblings don't talk to her much (I wonder why?).  All she does is eat, watch TV, and doesn't care for her appearance.  At the time in my life where I envisioned my mother helping with wedding dress shopping or planning, she is useless and will be useless.  I would not even be able to get her to perform the smallest task without her "forgetting" or "not feeling well enough".  I know the time will come when she asks what she can do to help with the wedding, or even the time she will want to be a grandmother to my child - and frankly, I am petrified.  I don't want her to be.

Perhaps that is a bit harsh, but you can only deal with someone for so many YEARS who continues to live in denial over their behavior. 

I feel guilty because I no longer want to reach out for our "daily" talks as I had before, but my sanity is at sake.  If I continue to do so, I feel like I'll reach a breaking point and disown her completely.

Does anyone have any advice?

firstly ((HUGS))

Secondly, I can (sort of) relate. With me, it's not my mother, but my father. Growing up, my father was (still in recovery) an alcoholic and none of us knew anything about it. When the economy plumetted, he lost his job (no fault of his own. He is extremely smart). And he would find another. And every company would fail. This sent him into depression and further into his alcoholism (depression is genetic in my family. His mother, my grandmother, is highly depressive). He would lie around the house and do nothing all day.

Last year, on the day I moved into college, my dad had a seizure, linked to the alcohol. My move in day was spent in the emergency room.

After this, my dad began treatments for his alcoholism and depression. Then he became over-medicated, like your mother.

I could never understand why he was acting like this and why he DID this to our family. Through family counseling and ALOT of reading about alcoholism, I have started to understand that it is an illness. I use to blame my dad, thinking that he was weak and couldn't deal with things.

Finally, he had to check into a rehab clinic because he couldn't do it on his own. After so many years, I have a dad who wants to do things again. Go out with me and my sister and calls me :) But it is an uphill battle, and will be, for the rest of our lives

I know that there are depression clinics. Has your mother tried one of these? I'm so sorry that this happening to you. I can only tell you to be strong and try to keep communication lines open with her. One day, hopefully, she will get a treatment that she needs (and better doctors!!)

She refuses to believe she is depressed, and even when I had offered to pay for a counselor she refused.  So no go - she doesn't want help because she is in denial.

And frankly, I am becoming apathetic to this.

Thanks everyone for your responses and support.

yep, same thing with my dad. Until the seizure. It's sad to say, but sometimes, something bad has to happen before they realize that there is a problem. Until then, I don't know what to tell you, but GOOD LUCK!

I hear what you're saying about your mother refusing to think she has a problem, but I also agree that if you don't want to cut her out of your life she needs to change her lifestyle. I think that you should try Lamb's suggestion of "training" her to be less negative with you on the phone. I think the best you can do is be completly straight with her: you love her, but can't abide her attitude, so if she wants you around she needs to make steps to change. If she doesn't change, you'll be left with what you're already considering - distancing yourself from her. Plus, you'll have done what you could to help.

I've had people like her in my life (though no one so close as a mother) and know it can be so draining to try and support them. But you do what you can for the people you love, up to the point that it's affecting your life. Stick with her as long as you can stand it.