NWR but I need a vent… Waiting for marriage/others voices

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
6 posts
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Haruyou:  I totally get where you’re coming from. I’ve been with my FI for 5 years as well (we were waiting for me to finish my schooling also) and I’ve seen a lot of friends and family get engaged, married, and have children in that time. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting sometimes when I would see someone hit the milestones so quickly when I just wanted things to progress faster than they were/still are.

What works for me is to constantly remind myself that everyone has their own journey, and that my road is different than everyone else’s. Whenever I find myself getting jealous, I take a step back and try to remember that my journey is my own and it will all be worth it in the end.

Post # 4
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I am in the exact same position, expect we will be engage 3 years when we finally get married.  I get days when I’m like why the hell am I doing this to myself????  But then I stop and think of every reason I am waiting and realise it may not be the easiest choice to wait but it is the best choice.  When FI and I get married, we will both have degrees and  I will have year in the job field because even if I don’t get my dream job I will be able to work and save money opposed to last four years of my life and he will have been at his job for three years, and he’s already gotten 4 dollars in raises in the last year and a half so I’m hopping for more before we get married 🙂  And with kids, O boy do I want kids more than anything but I know right now I would not be able to be the best mom I can be and my kids deserve more than that.  When we get married and have kids my life will not be perfect but I will have a firmer grasp on my life.  I don’t want to just make things work and make ends meet, I want more than that.  I want to enjoy everything and not resent having a small wedding or have extra stress throughout my wedding planning or pregnancy because I don’t have good job or am still in school.

You can’t look at everything that you are missing or stuff you have to wait for.  Enjoy our life now and keep reminding yourself why you’re waiting.  The time will fly by and you will get everything you want in life and it is worth it to wait.  You made this decision for you and you can’t let anyone second guess that decision because it is whats best for you.  When someone asks “Why not just do it now?”  Just say because we are doing whats best for us and we want to wait.

Post # 5
14 posts
  • Wedding: April 2015

I think if you want to move up the wedding then do that. You know what you want to do, start your life there is no sense in waitin.Kiss

Post # 6
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Just like everyones relationship has its differences, so does everyones wedding timelines. It does bother me at times, and I thank god for my fiancee who reminds me not to care about others, and that we have been together way longer than any of the others. He has even shared that some of his guy friends look up to our relationship, and they were jealous of the fact that there is no pressure to plan everything to happen immediately after the moment they proposed. My fiancee and I have been together 8 1/2 years, engaged 2 years, almost 2 months, and will be getting married May 2014. I am 30, and am glad that I was able to focus full time on school and earn my graduate degree. And I have enjoyed being child free as I am free to travel where ever I want, and I can piggyback on my fiancees business trips for a mini vacation.

Post # 7
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Haruyou:  I doubt you will be all that jealous when all these very young married parents start getting divorced.

Post # 8
6073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012



Comparisons are evil, so try really hard not to get into that!  I just heard of a feature you can download that turns all baby photos into cat photos, so that would be one way you don’t have to see it LOL.  Unbaby.me


I was someone who waited until school was done just to get engaged, and I was 35 when I got engaged!  The reason being that I was working FT, doing a masters, upkeeping my own house and a dog – I just could not add a live-in relationship and I was very proud to do it “all myself.”  When we did move in together I wanted to be able to give 100% to the relationship and school was really hard and time consuming.  I mean we dated for 3 years while I went to school, but I had to pencil him in on certain days.  That’s kind of hard to do if you life together!


I live in a state (Utah) where the average age for marriage is 20 for women and 22 for guys.  Can you imagine the flack that I got? 


Maybe reassess why you wanted to wait until school was done.  Was is so you could be gamefully employed and have a job?  Was it to prove to yourself that you did school all by yourself?  The reason may or may not lead to waiting until it’s done.




Post # 9
236 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t let that jealousy get in the way of doing the responsible thing or the right thing for you (sounds like you realize it would impact your schooling to concurrently plan a wedding).  I Agree with some of the other bees, just because people are hitting milestones before you, doesn’t mean they’re doing it for the right reasons or it will last.  We’ve all had those girlfriends rushing to the relationship/ alter/ maternity ward with the wrong person JUST for the sake of having a bf/DH/baby. 

You can acknowledge it makes you a bit jealous but don’t let that cloud your good judgement!

Post # 10
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You and your FI have to do what is best for you. If that means waiting until you are done with school to get married, so be it.

I can completely understand where you are coming from though. My FI and I have been engaged for 3 months and I get questioned about 188 times a day it feels like about when we are getting married. To me and my FI, it isn’t worth rushing to the alter. We want to take our time and make sure we are doing exactly what it is that we want to do: whether that be eloping or having a wedding.

To me, you are making a mature decision in waiting.

Post # 11
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Haruyou:  Seriously, waiting a few more years is a great idea.  I married at 23 and I was divorced by 26.  Now that I am 30 and married to my amazing husband (#2), I wish that I had waited a few more years to get married the first time.  I would have been more mature and hopefully would have figured out what a jerk my ex husband turned out to be before we got married.

Everyone gets married when it’s right for them.  Don’t let someone else’s life plan affect your life plan if what you are doing is what is best for you and your relationship.

Post # 13
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If you measure yourself but someone else’s yard stick,  you’re always going to come up short.

Post # 14
6073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Haruyou:  Well, I found that explaining myself only got me into a debate.  So the best method was a humorous deflection method.  Something that deflects their comment, makes it kind of light hearted, makes it look like it didn’t bother you, and then change the subject.

I don’t want kids however, but on the other hand I’ve also disocvered that if you say “We dont have plans for kids” people then look at you like you have three heads.  So even with the baby comments I go for the deflection method.  I hate the look people give me, so I try not to say it.

Post # 15
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Zhabeego: Ugh, THIS. By the time you get married, it’s virtually guaranteed that some of these people will already be divorced. Ignore them and do what’s right for YOU.

Post # 16
861 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I relate so much to you! Just remember, some people rush in and get in over their heads. We don’t know what goes on behind closed doors or if they can really afford all these milestones…babies aren’t free, little buggers need food, shelter and all that jazz. Forgive me, re-reading this I got carried away and slightly thread jacked


@Haruyou:  Don’t you just want to kick those people? Omg, and they are not mean or anything its just UGH! I honestly do not care but it is annoying because no one views you as really serious until you are married. What I mean by that is there is no celebration of your life with someone. If you come from a traditional family the not taking you that seriously until you are married is ten fold and it is rubbed even in the smallest ways like “it is seperate beds for you, you’ve been together 6 years but you’re not married”. The worst is going to a wedding and you are so happy for the people, then a less than a year they announce they are pregnant (by the way if they didn’t have a 6-12 month engagement, I’d swear someone slipped one past the goalie. I did the math) and they bought a condo.

Being 30, I have to constantly defend the fact that fi and I are waiting for me to be done with school, he is living at home to save (call us crazy but we’d like a condo or a house ourselves) BEFORE we get married. We have been together 6 years, for a large portion of that we both worked ONLY in the film industry. The term “starving artist” exists for a reason. We both wanted to use our 20’s to do things we love that are not especially lucrative or a straight line.


Am I the only who has noticed, if you are a couple, together and happy (we are have the happiness others envy, we are that couple people either hate for happiness or they want to be us) people HAVE to ask all the damn time when you are getting married. Sorry, they ask the woman. The guy’s friends go oh look their so happy and in love thats awesome. The girl’s friends are all, oh look happy and in love BUT when are you getting married?!!.

I am actually bitter. Is this what society has come to? Interesting and intelligent women acting like it won’t be “complete” or “okay” until there is a piece of paper. Not all women. Just something that I have noticed lately, men respond WHAT A GREAT RELATIONSHIP and women then say, what a great relationship WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED.


^^^ I think it is harder on us as women, op. Most men don’t view wedding planning as a field day so they don’t make the innocent little “when is the wedding” type comments/questions

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