(Closed) NWR: Family members and money

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

oye tough situation… I wouldnt say anything… unless its an open forum with the parents… We have a similar situation in our family… After talking about it with the providers on a casual basis, I realized they knew they were enabling they just couldnt say no…. Its not really your place to say what they do with their money… but I know being on the other side… for me Im jealous.. I want the designer shoes, handbags, jackets etc… but I refuse to have someone else pay my mortgage… I wouldnt say anything to anyone.. .it could only cause a problem… and if the sibling comes to you… I would just say you are in a position to help others at this point… or ignoring as best you can… good luck!

Post # 4
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

uuuughh, I swear I could have written this.  I feel your pain 🙁

I think mentioning to your husband’s parents could cause drama and maybe a strain in your relationship with them (the sibling and the parents), but if you both feel that the sib is taking advantage of the parents, I would try to have a frank discussion with them just to see if they know what’s really going on… if they don’t, they certainly have a right to.  I’m sure some people are going to tell you to stay out of it – this is just my opinion.  I would feel like I had to say something, simply because if they don’t know that is SO unfair.

If I can offer one single useful piece of advice, do NOT start giving the sibling money or letting them guilt you into feeling like you should.  I have been down that road and it is SO hard to avoid it the next time it comes up.  The best approach is to make sure you and your husband are on the same page (so if the sib asks one of you when the other isn’t there, your response can be similar and neither would agree to it).  There’s a rule someplace that some brilliant person wrote about never loaning money to family… it’s a really good one.

Good luck… if you tell them I hope it goes well, and if you don’t I hope it doesn’t get too uncomfortable for you!

Post # 6
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Whoa. Shame on them. If you do want to tell FH’s parents but don’t want it to seem like you’re ratting on them, you could “casually” mention, say, her cute but really expensive new shoes or how you’re envious that they could got to go to whatever concert. I think by your FH’s parents’ reaction to something like that, you may be able to tell if they know about this couple’s spending or not.

If they get mad at you, just say, “Oh, I thought they knew.” They know full and well that what they’re doing is wrong and if I was in your position, I would feel like I was contributing to the situation.

Post # 7
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@HidingBee: I think were from the same family!!!

Post # 8
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee

Hmmm…I am in a similar situation as you and your husband. I am curious to know how old your husband’s parents are, if they are still working, and what their retirement outlook is. I also wonder if your husband’s siblings have children.

Here’s the bottomline: The more your husband’s parents spend on his brother’s family today, the less they will have to support themselves during their retirement years. If your husband’s parents are unable to support themselves in their elder years, then you, as their children, will be responsible for doing so.

Assuming your income is not unlimited, eventually you will have to choose between spending on your parents, or spending on your children. I’d really hate for you to come to that crossroad. So to prevent that from happening, I suggest that you inform your husband’s sibling that their spending habits now will be affecting not only his parents lives, but also his children’s.

Whatever money he is throwing into movies, DVD’s, concert’s, etc. today, he is taking away from your parent’s ability to lead a comfortable life as they age, as well as their children’s right to education and a happy life.

Post # 9
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Their behavior is NOT cool. The only handout I would suggest you give them? Job leads and signing them up for a financial management course!

Also, if they’re in THAT much debt, you should encourage them to file for bankruptcy rather than continue to mooch off family. Yes, it has repurcussions, but it could be part of a solution for them, because what they’re doing now has some pretty big repurcussions too.

ETA: I had one aunt and uncle who were draining a lot of money from my grandparents a few years back (for several years it was all handouts), and eventually the other 3 families sat my grandparents down and talked to them about protecting themselves, repayment plans, teaching the wayward daughter and SIL financial responsibility, etc. and my grandparents took it pretty hard, but they did listen in the end. Things are a lot better now.

Post # 10
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Your husband may want to ask his parents if they’re aware of the couple’s spending habits but after that, stay out of it.  His parents are adults and if they want to support their adult children, that’s their choice. 

As for these mooches trying to sponge off you, I’ve found two tactics to be enormously successful in situations like thesehe – the first is to play dumb – no matter how broad the hint, pretend you don’t get what they’re hinting at.  The second is to put responsibility right back on them, “We won’t be able to give you any money but I’d be happy to help lazy spouse work on her resume!  There’s also this great website for jobhunters…”

Post # 11
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@JenniMichele: totally agree.  I’d casually drop some nuggets in conversation with the parents and see what happens. 

OP – definitely don’t give them a cent.  They sound like leeches. 

Post # 12
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

I think something should be said to your in-laws.  Unfortunately, because their grandchild is involved, grandparents sometimes lose their objectivity, so keep that in mind. Other Bees have given you some good strategies to work with.  You are smart to stay away from enabling this couple.  Best wishes.

Post # 14
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Initially I was of the opinion that you and your husband should keep your mouths shut and not say anything- UNTIL you said that your in laws are draining their retirement funds to support their selfish, irresponsible daughter and her husband. I think your husband needs to say something to his parents. NOW. It’s shameful that your SIL & BIL clearly have no conscience whatsoever, but I definitely think your hubby would be well within his rights to say something- since they are HIS parents, too. 

As for the hints that you and your husband should be helping them out- and the unfathomable idea that you should pay for their child’s education- seriously, I don’t even know how you can be around them without saying something. If my SIL made a comment like that to me, I would have to say “Well, maybe if you stop buying Kate Spade bags, I-Phones, and concert tickets, you’ll have the means to send your child to college, instead of expecting everyone else to do it.”

YOU should not feel one bit guilty about being employed or financially responsible. You offered practical, useful assistance in the way of job searching and financial management, and since they weren’t interested in solutions that could actually HELP their situation, then be done with it. Remove yourself from the situation. Shut down any conversation having to do with finances. It is inappropriate that they would even have a conversation with you about your income. It is none of their business and in extremely poor taste. 

I don’t feel one bit sorry for your SIL & BIL. What they are doing to your inlaws is incomprehensible and so egregious I cannot even wrap my brain around how they could do this to their own FAMILY.  You certainly shouldn’t feel obliged to enable their irresponsible and destructive behavior. Everyone should put their wallets away and stop enabling these people from continuing on their destructive path.

Post # 15
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I actually disagree with those who are saying to keep your mouth shut about this. I would, in fact, say something.

Although, I wouldn’t come out and say it. I would drop not-so-subtle hints in casual conversations. Perhaps ask your in-laws, “Hey, did you see sibling’s new pricey Kate Spade bag? I’m assuming you bought it for them since they’re broke,” or, “Did you hear singling is going to this concert next week? Gosh, I would I could afford those tickets.” 

 

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