- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
It doesn't sound like the situation will ever change without a catalyst. So, it seems to me that you can either be that catalyst and talk to your brother, to try to facilitate some communication, or you can keep listening to your parents' frustrations. Which would you rather live with? Possibly upsetting your brother and SIL or continuing on as it is now for many years to come?
I think you should defnitely say something in the situations where your brother and SIL's behavior affects you (like planning thanksgiving alone or not making themselves available for family vacation for 2 years). Bringing things like this up may help the whole family.
But I think you should try to stay out of it when the issues don't directly affect you. If I were you I'd tell my parents to stop complaining to me about my brother and that I don't like being put in that position. If they have an issue with the brother, they should go to the brother, not you. They are adults and can manage their own relationships.
I've been on the side where my parents didn't agree with a decision I made, and they talked to my sisters about it. One sister openly told me that she was siding with my parents and pretty much started confrontations with me about it. It was stressful and hurtful. So if you do confront your brother, be prepared that you could strain your relationship with him, even though you are just trying to repair his relationship with your parents.
I think I'd probably say something. I'd be sure to rehearse it before I do! You don't want to come across as biased in either direction. And once you say what you need to say, be sure they know that you're not getting involved further than you already have. And stay true to that. Good luck!
thanks so much for the responses!
@charismaclassic: catalyst is the perfect way to think about it!
@jacqui: my mom actually feels really bad about talking to me about it, and she does try not to. but we have a very non-typical relationship where i kind of provide the mothering/emotional support, and i don't mind that or want to change it because i know it helps her. she thinks i should have been a psychiatrist ;) but that's a really, really good idea to say something when it directly affects me, i hadn't thought of that! and when i talk to my brother, i'll bring it up in a very non-confrontational way, more like, "you should talk to mom and dad about xyz" than "i think you're being a jerk about xyz"
@jennifer: i've definitely rehearsed it already! i've almost called him about it many times, and i'd definitely approach it as neutrally as i can...
I'm in the minority, but I just wouldn't get involved. You're really only getting your parents' side of this and some people... just don't like their parents. You can certainly encourage your parents to speak to your brother, but that's not your job. They're adults too.
As the "go too kid" in my family, I have been caught in the middle numerous times. Between parents/siblings, siblings/siblings, parents/parents....it gets old. Finally to keep my sanity, I had to tell them that they had to start dealing with the person of issue directly, without going through me. I don't mind being a shoulder to vent on, but in terms of solving the problems, it was never going to happen with always having a middle man. Not to mention, being the middle person all the time will drive you nuts!!!
I can understand the wanting to do Thanksgiving alone, but if having it with family is tradition, it would have been polite of them to give you guys more than a week notice. It's very important (well, atleast once we have kids) to create our own family traditions. So, we decided to come up with a rotating schedule. One year w/ my family, one year with his, and then one year at our home.
And are they crazy about the vacation? If my parents offered to take my family on a paid vacation, I'd jump at the chance. LOL
I've always believed that no one can change how others will act, but they can change how they themselves act. In that sense, I would suggest telling your mom and dad respectfully that they are trying too hard to please your brother, that they can only dictate how they respond to your brother/sil. So, to facilitate the change, your parents need to start backing away from them, start to allow them to be independent, start to do their own things, start to not plan their lives around your bro/sil. Then once your bro/sil sees that they are not getting the reaction from your parents, they will start to come around more and get a action out of them. Its all about stop trying to control other's actions, and taking control of your own actions instead of allowing others to.
I think the biggest problem here is that your parent are coming off as extremely needy to your bro/sil. They don't appear to be comfortable with this and thus are trying even harder to seperate themselves. Honestly, I agree that you shouldn't interfere and that you should tell your parents to start living their own lives and stop working around those two. They need to state clearly that a 2012 vacation will not work as they wish to go sooner and regret that your bro/sil cannot attend, but they will send pictures of all the fun they had with you. If they change their mind and make room for the trip then so be it, otherwise you guys will be having all of the fun while they stay home and sulk. Also, I'm sure that being dependent on your parents really bothers them and quite honestly maybe your parents need to decrease their support at least a little so that they start living off of their own paychecks.
I might approach this differently than some, but I'm not close to my family, and I can sort of understand where your SIL is coming from. I feel really smothered when my family tries to make plans, and if I think something is going to upset them, I wait until the last minute to tell them, because otherwise my mom tries to make me change my mind and we end up fighting about it, and it just causes more turmoil.
Perhaps if your parents were to give them more space, and see about weaning them financially, your brother and SIL would more willing to come around for special events.
It sounds like there is way more to this story than you really know. Maybe your parents are picking and choosing what parts to include to make their case, knowing you 'll listen to them. Maybe they've never had a close relationship with your brother and are just now realizing it...'cool' or not,they don't know how to 'fix it' and are involving you in something they shouldn't be. You shouldn't be asked to be the facilitator in solving their relationship with your brother and his family. Its forcing you to take sides!
There's an old saying that goes "A son is a son til he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter all her life'. Many women always are and remain closer to their parents and families, while men seem to find it easier to distance themselves once they get married. Even tho he's still financially dependent on them its sounds like this old saying may apply here.
I have a brother (older) and 2 younger sisters. My sisters and I have always seen to our parents needs when they became less than able to do so, but my brother always has an excuse. I had it out with him about 10 years ago with regard to my parents and his lack of interest or involvement. I told him he was lucky to have 3 other siblings who would take care of everything,but that he was not busier nor more important than any of us,and that he needed to step up and help out. Did he do it? Nothing changed,but I did get to have my say.
Nothing will change with your brother either,unless he chooses to change it. Save yourself the grief and possible estrangement from him by not getting involved. Be there to listen and support your parents in whatever way you can,but this is really something you might need to step away from right now.
That's really unfortuante. I can't say I have a real grasp on what's going on. Although it seems bratty that your bro/SIL take money from your parents and in turn are trying to distance themselves. I wonder a couple of things. Do they resent not being self reliant, and basically "bite the hand that feeds them"? (Perhaps because your parents are so successful?) Are they holding their children as emotional hostages, so that your parents will keep giving them money, or "they'll never see the grandkids again"? If that's the case, then your parents are stuck, unless they are willing to stand up to them.
I would think that eventually your bro/SIL would come around to realize they need your parents, even if they don't have their money. It sounds like they're living near your parents not SIL's family. I would think they'd welcome grandma's babysitting services, at least.
Well if you feel close enough to your brother that you think he'd hear you out without alienating you then I'd say OK. If you think it wouldn't go over well, I think you should stay out of it. I bet your parents are a leat thankful that bro/SIL are still connected to you.
You mentioned a family trip. I would casually start there. "Hey, are you sure you can't come? It would mean so much..... Are you sure it's because of your schedule? If you don't want to talk, that's OK, but Mom and Dad seem to be hurt that you don't see them much...." (Something like that anyway.)
Your parents need to stand up for themselves and stop tiptoeing around this. If they want to go on vacation, they pick when, and if your bro and sil can't come, so be it. They also need to stop helping them financially. Maybe if they stood up fro themselves, then your bro and sil would treat them differently.
.....I would honestly stay out of it.
It's not fun when you get into a situation within a family where you start taking sides. And if you start to butt into it, it will end up like that whether you mean to or not.
The thing is even though they are family you never know the whole story. I'm sure your parents are selectively telling you things as is your brother. It's human nature.
You never really know if your brother and SIL can afford to take the trip or have the money. You never really know. They can tell you they have a lot of money or spend like crazy. But for all you know they can be in debt. I'm not saying they are, just as an example.
The funny thing is once each sibling starts forming their own family unit. They have to start thinking about THEIR family unit first. Can you really blame your brother?
If the situation was reversed wouldn't you hope that your husband would cater to you first?
Unless something happens that directly affects you, the issue between your parents and your brother & SIL are between them IMO. Not your place to try and resolve it. The only thing you can do is be a good daughter and let your parents vent. Be a good sister and let your brother vent.
Family drama sucks big time. Can't live with them can't live w/o them.
Its unfortunate that they don't have a better relationship. But you mentioned that your parents bend over backwards trying to get the Brother and Sil to "like" them. Who ever said that family members have to like each other? Family is not like friends who you get to choose- lots of family members just tolerate eachother. Maybe your brother and his wife are happy with the distanced relationship they have with your parents and have no desire to have a relationship like the one you have with your parents. However, I agree with you that it seems that your brother and his wife could be more respectful and considerate of your parents.
thanks everyone for the advice and feedback! i didn't realize so many more people had chimed in since my last post, i really appreciate it! you all have such great points.
i didn't touch on this with my original post, but i think a big part of what upsets my parents is my brother's communication skills, and he has talked to me before about how he has a really difficult time being direct with them, especially when it comes to things they disagree about. so rather than having a discussion or clearly expressing what's bothering him, he'll either let issues fester without talking about them or make decisions that affect my parents without talking to them first. so i do think that what is happening is that my parents come off as so needy that it stresses him out and then he closes off even more, which then makes them even needier. it's an awful cycle!
if i do say anything to my brother, i think it will be along the lines of encouraging him to talk more openly with my parents, which he has brought up before in conversation. or, i could also bring up the issue of family time on vacations and holidays by initiating a conversation about coordinating when we do vacations/holidays with our parents and respective in-laws, so that then it's about me and my fi spending time with them, not just my parents
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
okay...this is something i've been debating for like, at least 2 years...and i don't know what to do, so i thought maybe the bees would have a good answer! or maybe i'll just vent ;)
i have really close relationships with my parents, who are my biggest role models and who also rely on me a great deal for emotional support, and my brother and sil, who are my close friends as well as family. however, my parents and brother/sil have a pretty strained relationship. it's not like they outwardly fight or are unpleasant to each other--it's just the opposite. they're really nonconfrontational--my parents are actually kind of terrified of conflict and do everything to avoid it.
the main problem is that in setting boundaries to create their own individual family (which is a completely understandable thing to do), my brother (and sil) have been really hurtful to my parents, over and over again, for years. during their wedding planning, during my sil's pregnancy, and now during my niece's first year. they moved crosscountry to the same town my parents live in for graduate school, so before the communication issues seemed to stem from distance, but now it's like they try to maintain their independence by avoiding my parents (even though they're financially dependent on them--which is probably related but is a kind of it's own can of worms!). i don't think they mean to hurt my parents' feelings, but i don't think they consider their perspective when they make decisions. and my parents aren't being oversensitive--it's things like, last thanksgiving my brother and sil decided to do thanksgiving alone at a vacation house without discussing it with me or my parents, or even telling my parents (seriously: i told my parents, they didn't mention it to them until a week before the holiday). and now, what brought this up is that my parents are thinking about taking all of us on a big family vacation for their 40th anniversary, and they started planning it around my bro/sil's schedule, and all the sudden my bro/sil are saying they are too busy to take a vacation until 2012 (which isn't really true...). those are only the big things--there's a ton of small things too.
part of the problem is that my sil isn't close to her family, and she's kinda high maintenance, so i think my brother spends a lot of time catering to her needs; so, if she doesn't see the need to work on having a relationship with my parents, my brother doesn't really try.
also, one clarification: my parents are actually very "cool" parents. and i'm not just saying that--my parents are professors and are like, famous in their field for being mentors. their graduate students and junior colleagues love them, and my parents completely get what it's like being in your 20s/30s.
so anyway, what's happened is that the relationship is really one-sided: my parents bend over backwards trying to help them and get them to "like" them. they never mention feeling hurt, because they're afraid that if they say something my bro/sil will just stay away more and they won't see their granddaughter. which is basically their greatest fear. my parents talk to me about it, because they need to vent and i'm so much closer to them. i've been telling them for years that they need to discuss these issues with my brother, but it's never a good time (ie wedding planning, baby, school, etc). they know it'll never get better until they talk to him, but they're afraid to. they did try before, about specific issues, but it's never delved into the larger problems.
and finally, here's my question: do i keep just listening to my parents frustrations about this, and keep encouraging them to talk to my brother, or should i say something to my brother myself? i don't want to get in the middle and make things worse, but i sort of already AM in the middle since my parents talk to me about it....