Weddingbee boards

I had a hard time deciding whether or not to write this because I sort of feel like I should keep up this front like happy happy joy joy all the time. But honestly, being a future stepmom is really hard. To make a very long story short, when I met FI he didn't have a kid, I went away for three months (we weren't "together"), I came back, we were "official", and then a couple months later he got a call from a girl letting him know that she was preggers. Super fun. So as you can imagine, it was a really hard time for us. I made the decision to stay and see how things went. It hasn't been easy. There's been a lot of emotional stuff to work through and there still is.

For the most part we've settled into a routine, but I admit, it's still hard for me sometimes to do the every-other-weekend thing and put life on hold. FI works a lot (including the weekends we don't have FSS), so it's hard at times to share what time I do get to see him. I love seeing him being such a great dad though, so I constantly remind myself of that. FSS is a pretty good kid, but I've posted before about how he loves to push boundaries and my buttons, like any other kid does. Things have been pretty good lately, although I've had to miss a lot of a couple of our weekends with wedding activities, etc. Overall, FSS and I have a great relationship, he makes me paintings and we have a lot of fun together.

So to get down to why I'm feeling terrible. FI wants to go over to England to see his grandmother and is bringing FSS with him. He's invited me to go but I said no. There are a couple reasons for this:

A) From everything I've heard, his grandmother is a huge b*tch who barely talks to him (maybe once a year at Christmas) and told him after his parents divorced years ago "Don't worry dear, I'll still sort of consider you family....". Who says that?! I don't even know why he has any feelings of affection for her. 

B) It would be really hard for me to stop doing wedding-related things for a week. There's too much to do!

C) I don't want to spend a week with FSS. I'm terrified! I don't want to put up with tantrums or screaming or any of it for a solid week in a foreign country. Two days, I'm good. Three days even over a long weekend, totally fine. A week?! I think I could do a week at home and be fine. If I was feeling overwhelmed I could go to my parents house for a day or even just to the grocery store for an hour. For some reason the idea of it being somewhere far away freaks me out.

Step parents out there, am I ever going to get out of this "not my kid" feeling?! Like, if FSS was just our son, we'd go and I would be fine. But he's not. I don't know, I just feel scared of something so huge. I feel awful saying that. When FSS was born, FI and I were not ready to be parents, but he's settled into the role of super dad while I still feel scared sh*tless at times about screwing something up or feeling bad about myself if I just don't feel like being in "mommy mode". I try my hardest but I find it exhausting some days. Clearly I'm not going to break up with FI, I love him and I do this for him. Any words of advice to get me over this hump? I want to get back to enjoying being a step parent.

@Frugal Bride: Oh thank god. I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation, but it's like a huge sigh of relief that I'm not alone. We have the same sorts of issues with FSS's mom, she has a completely different parenting style. Thankfully he doesn't act with us the way he does with her (or at least most of the time he doesn't), he likes having boundaries at our place. BUT the odd time he can't do something he does at home, oh gosh, watch out! His behaviour is so terrible with his mom that she's started parenting classes, I'm so happy about that. If we had the child she gets to deal with daily I honestly think we would have broken up.

I totally agree with the resentment point though. Some days I feel like he looks at me like "Ya right lady, F you!" and the kid is only four and a half. Other days he'd do anything in the world to make me happy and he could care less if daddy is around or not, he just wants to be near me. I worry about what will happen when FI and I have kids in a few years. How will we balance it? How will we integrate our family without making him feel like he's on the outside or being replaced?!

I totally agree with what you're saying about other posts/opinions. Yes, I chose to be in the situation, but I totally agree, I do it because I love FI so much I do this for him. I didn't dream of being a stepmom. I fell in love with him before this happened. It would be far worse to be without him than to have to deal with days and issues like this.

I hope things with your stepson settle down. It sounds like a really difficult situation. I can imagine it would be really hard for your stepson, and I'm sure he's acting out both because of his mom's parenting style, and also because he doesn't know how else to cope. Are you guys getting family counselling at all?

@missmouse29: You're totally right. I feel selfish at times though that when I don't feel like being super stepmom that I use the "Go have some FSS and Daddy bonding time!" and ship them off to the park for an hour or two. Last summer they went camping for a couple days and I stayed home. I totally respect and WANT them to have daddy/son bonding time without me, I don't want this kid to grow up thinking that I was always "there" and he never got time with his dad because of me. FI is really wonderful though and has always been really sensitive to giving me a bit of time off over the weekend to sleep in a bit or have a few moments to myself. He knows how hard it is for me, but I think sometimes he forgets, or maybe wishes I could be more comfortable. Or maybe that's just my own notion of it, I don't know.

That being said, I need to keep in perspective the good times I've had with FSS. Last weekend we had him there was a huge event at the park. FI had to go to work for an hour or so, so FSS and I saw this event on the way to the grocery store. We decided to forget the groceries and go play instead! He spent an hour in the bouncy castle, he had a great time, and then played in the sandbox area until FI came. We had ice cream and went home for dinner. It was an awesome day and I was totally comfortable with him for the afternoon alone. I think it's easy to forget about stuff like that, so I'm glad that just popped into my head and I was able to put it in writing.

And you're also very right, I really really really don't have itchy ovaries.

@sudslover: I love the scrapbook idea! Maybe we could also all make something together FSS can bring to grandma... Thanks so much!

Thanks for all the support ladies, it really really helps! FI and I were talking about the trip last night and he reiterated that I'm invited to come. I said no and that I was a bit scared about a week in a foreign country with FSS. I think he has a hard time seeing it from my side at times. A week with his son is awesome for him and maybe it's hard for him to understand how or why I might be nervous about something like that. Like I said though, he's super supportive and he's not at all pressuring me to come. I think you're all right, it's a great opportunity for him and FSS to bond and have time to themselves. Hopefully grandma is fine with my skipping the trip, although she's never even called to talk to me, so something tells me she won't notice ;)

Okay seriously, I feel so much better. Thank you again. You are so wonderful. I'm so glad I found WB 

@rlsulli1598@verizon.net: Thanks so much. You're totally right. I know my sister calls me on days when she feels like a bad mom or has just had enough of being "mommy". She told my oldest nephew (5 years old) that after 7:30 when he goes to bed she stops being Mommy and she's not on call, LOL!

I feel so much less terrible than I did last night. Thank you for your support ladies, it means the world to me.

@snmcdowell: That's a great article, thanks for sharing!

@HisButtercup: We don't have the clothes swap problem yet since he's growing SO fast, his mom just sends whatever clothes for the weekend. The biggest problem is usually that she sends too much, it seriously looks like he's moving in for a month when he comes. It's ridiculous. I worry sometimes she's hinting at it or Sunday will come and she'll call and be like "ummmm no just keep him for the rest of the week, I want a few more days to myself...". LOL! Thanks for the support, I will definitely be PM-ing you at some point I'm sure! I'm looking forward to FSS growing up a bit. Four is a hard age right now, it's on the cusp of being somewhat self-sufficient but wanting to stay a baby forever. I'm looking forward to 10!!!!

@MissKimchi: Emotionally draining is so right. I've had quite a few weekends where when the door has closed behind FI and FSS leaving on Sunday evening I burst into tears and will literally cry until FI gets back 2 hours later. It's exhausting. Thankfully that's only once every 4 or 6 weekends though and not every time! I find it really tiring to go from our relatively tidy "adult" house to an explosion of trains and books and toys EVERYWHERE, the constant chatter, the temper tantrums, etc every other weekend. It's just two really opposing lifestyles and it's very jarring. I'm getting used to it over time though. It's not like it's our life when he's not here. 

@Melissabegins: Thankfully the trip got cancelled because all the seats were sold out but FI is planning on going in October. We'll see how I feel about it then, but it's likely I still won't go. With FI's family there is no seperation of time. I would be pretty obligated to sit with Grandma and FI's awful freaking aunt all day. It would be much better to go over and visit with my cousin again instead ;)

@stephanie63087: Thanks for your perspective as a stepkid. I feel bad for him having this extra person in his life. I don't think we've ever even mentioned the word "stepmother" around him. I've been in his life since he was born, so thankfully he doesn't know it any other way and it's not this new person taking up space in his life. I think what you said about being a friend is so true and that's where I try to come at it from. I'm a step parent, I'm not mommy or daddy. I get to lay down the law because I'm part of a parenting team, but also because this is my house and these are my rules (and daddy's rules). So I usually try to come at things from a relaxed point of view because I'm dreading the first "YOU'RE NOT MY MOMMY!!!!", LOL!