- 7 years ago
- Wedding: September 2010
I had a hard time deciding whether or not to write this because I sort of feel like I should keep up this front like happy happy joy joy all the time. But honestly, being a future stepmom is really hard. To make a very long story short, when I met FI he didn’t have a kid, I went away for three months (we weren’t “together”), I came back, we were “official”, and then a couple months later he got a call from a girl letting him know that she was preggers. Super fun. So as you can imagine, it was a really hard time for us. I made the decision to stay and see how things went. It hasn’t been easy. There’s been a lot of emotional stuff to work through and there still is.
For the most part we’ve settled into a routine, but I admit, it’s still hard for me sometimes to do the every-other-weekend thing and put life on hold. FI works a lot (including the weekends we don’t have FSS), so it’s hard at times to share what time I do get to see him. I love seeing him being such a great dad though, so I constantly remind myself of that. FSS is a pretty good kid, but I’ve posted before about how he loves to push boundaries and my buttons, like any other kid does. Things have been pretty good lately, although I’ve had to miss a lot of a couple of our weekends with wedding activities, etc. Overall, FSS and I have a great relationship, he makes me paintings and we have a lot of fun together.
So to get down to why I’m feeling terrible. FI wants to go over to England to see his grandmother and is bringing FSS with him. He’s invited me to go but I said no. There are a couple reasons for this:
A) From everything I’ve heard, his grandmother is a huge b*tch who barely talks to him (maybe once a year at Christmas) and told him after his parents divorced years ago “Don’t worry dear, I’ll still sort of consider you family….”. Who says that?! I don’t even know why he has any feelings of affection for her.
B) It would be really hard for me to stop doing wedding-related things for a week. There’s too much to do!
C) I don’t want to spend a week with FSS. I’m terrified! I don’t want to put up with tantrums or screaming or any of it for a solid week in a foreign country. Two days, I’m good. Three days even over a long weekend, totally fine. A week?! I think I could do a week at home and be fine. If I was feeling overwhelmed I could go to my parents house for a day or even just to the grocery store for an hour. For some reason the idea of it being somewhere far away freaks me out.
Step parents out there, am I ever going to get out of this “not my kid” feeling?! Like, if FSS was just our son, we’d go and I would be fine. But he’s not. I don’t know, I just feel scared of something so huge. I feel awful saying that. When FSS was born, FI and I were not ready to be parents, but he’s settled into the role of super dad while I still feel scared sh*tless at times about screwing something up or feeling bad about myself if I just don’t feel like being in “mommy mode”. I try my hardest but I find it exhausting some days. Clearly I’m not going to break up with FI, I love him and I do this for him. Any words of advice to get me over this hump? I want to get back to enjoying being a step parent.