NWR–Feeling overwhelmed by health and money issues

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
8418 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

jillbean1217:  I don’t understand what is stopping you from getting engaged.  It sounds like you’re both on the same page about wanting to get married.  Plus, with his condition, it would probably help both of you if you were legally his wife (i.e. speaking to workman’s comp, insurance, hospital visits, etc).  In addition, you will probably need to get a disability lawyer to help him get benefits since many deserving people are often denied (sad, but true).  Hopefully things will start getting better for your SO.  Best of luck.

Post # 3
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Is there some brief synopsis to this?

Post # 4
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

You just really need to think long and hard about this, because as someone who is married to a person with a chronic illness, it does not get easier. Let me repeat, life does not get easier when a ring is on your finger

You become responsible for a lot of decisions, saddled with any debt that is incurred due to the illness, you become the “rock” of the relationship in a lot of ways. It has nothing to do with love, I love with DH with every fiber of my being… but that doesn’t pay the doctor bills or make up for the constant pain he is in.

 

On top of that, my DH is an extremely proactive person. He schedules his own appointments, takes his medications, is still able to hold down an 8-5 job and contribute substantially to the household and to finances. It doesn’t sound like your SO is picking up the slack here in some cases. It may just be he is down on his luck, I don’t know him so I cannot answer that. But 2 jobs in 1 year, violent episodes [ medically induced or not, they are still a part of your life], not following up with appointments and medications… you see where I am going here?  He needs to take more ownership, IMO. Just think very, very long and hard if this is a lifestyle you’re committed to for the foreseeable future.

Post # 5
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee

As soeone who developed a seizure disorder while on a certain medicine, I can relate.  HE NEEDS TO SEE A GOOD NEUROLOGIST.

 

This is extremely important–he has to be evaluated.  Don’t give up.  Get him the best medical help avaiable.

Post # 6
Member
2397 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

jillbean1217:  I just wanted to give you internet hugs!! We have a friend that suddenly developed seizures a few years ago and it sounds very much like what you described. He lost his license because of them (in CA you have to go 1 full yr without a seizure to get it back) but thankfully not his job bc he’s self employed. It is very rough on his girlfriend of 20+ years to basically be his caretaker, and he sometimes gets resentful he cannot help himself and she has to take him anywhere… If you are both dead set on getting married it may actually help your situation to do it sooner than later. I would imagine being marrried with one income vs. single would bump you up to possibly more gov./state benefits or programs that would help, plus then you can legally care for him and make medical decisions if he gets like that again.. 

He needs to look into state insurance (medi-cal in my state)- he may qualify for a low rate. But he needs to find out what are causing these seizures asap as they really do lasting damage. Our friend has been to multiple dr’s over 2 yrs and they still haven’t figured it out so you have a very long road ahead of you and that is something to consider as well- do you want to be there for that journey, if so as what the medical community would consider a “friend” with no standing, or as a wife that can step in and make medical decisions when needed?

Post # 7
Member
6740 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

He needs to apply for state medical assistance. And I’m not sure why the paramedics didn’t take him if he could only answer 1/4 questions accurately- not alert and oriented at that point- so not able to give/waive consent. When my daughter seized it was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced (and she is only 60 pounds- not a grown man!). He needs a full neurological work up to determine the cause and implement a medicine regiment that will minimize his seizures. He isn’t responsible for his actions during the seizure- but that doesn’t excuse his lack of motivation at other times. He needs to get on the ball about this!

Post # 9
Member
6021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

A few bits of advice. Firstly, you say you’ve only been together about a year. For a lot of couples, that is not really enough time to be ready to move on to engagement and then marriage. You’ve barely seen a full set of seasons changing, let alone gotten to know each other at the deep levels needed for a strong marriage. Sure, you’ve been through a lot in that year, but seriously, in the grand scheme of things, it is the tip of the iceberg. If he’s “the one” now, he will still be “the one” in another year or two. Don’t rush things because getting engaged and then married will not give you the sense of normalcy or stability you may be looking for.

It is probably worth having him make an appointment with a social worker who will be able to help him navigate various resources for his medical condition, including possibly a support group for both of you; it would not hurt for both of you to learn more about mimimizing risk and living more securely with epilepsy. Plus if there are resources such as low-income medical treatment or employment programs for people with special medical needs, a social worker should be able to find them.

Keep in mind that his income not being linked to yours by way of marriage may actually be a great benefit to him, especially as he tries to find medical help. Many of the insurance programs, grants and other forms of aid are based on your income and right now, being unemployed, he would qualify for far more than if your income were a factor.

Go with him to see an attorney to sign a limited power of attorney which would let you be the one deciding if he should be hospitalized, should he have the memory loss right after seizure and not be able to make a sound medical decision for himself.

The one red flag I see in all of this is the way you both seem to blow off his texting an incorrect message to his boss, which ended in him being fired, as “stupid, but hey, we all do it.” That’s not a very adult attitude and while I don’t expect either of you to sit around crying over it, it should be clear to both of you that doing anything to get yourself fired is not acceptable. Job instability and financial problems kill so many marriages. You as a couple need steady work and a steady income to have even a decent chance of sticking together, so he needs to use that incident as a huge wake-up call, and you need to evaluate your response to it. If my fiance came home one day having been fired for pretty much anything, there’d be hell to pay. Our financial futures are completely intertwined. Laid off, I would be very sympathetic and empathetic but fired, oh no, that does not fly and will not be happening in my household. I suggest you think long and hard about this last bit.

Post # 11
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

LilRhodyGem:  if you can’t be bothered to read it, then just don’t post?

 

Post # 12
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

SpiderMum:  I started and then tried to jump around to finish it. What do you care anyways? I do what I want.

Post # 14
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

LilRhodyGem: because it was rude. OP responded “sorry I can’t make my emotions any smaller,” which to me, indicates that it wasn’t a helpful post either. <br /><br />

Post # 15
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

LilRhodyGem:  far be it for me to call someone on being a bit of a bitch… But harshing on someone going through huge medical and financial issues with the one they love and already admitting to feeling helpless and devalued? I think your post may have just won you the Most Useless Bitch of the Week award. Congratulations, your posts have hit a new low.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors