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why don't you guys go visit her and talk to her about it?
You didn't say who he spent most of his time with after the divorce - did he live with his dad and not see his mom very often? There's not much in your post that suggests outright hatred or hostility, just indifference. But I agree that it is unkind to ignore a son's tries for communication but take advantage of his housework skills.
Maybe he's trying for a relationship that just isn't there; you did say that they have almost no relationship. Maybe she's just not ballsy enough to tell him straight out that, due to whatever history they have, she just isn't as close to him as she is to his sisters?
My fiance has a slightly similar situation, but in his case he's not close to either of his parents - by his own choice. They also divorced early in his life, and he and his brother bounced back and forth between the two parents, but they got a little left behind when each parent remarried, dated other people, had more kids. Now his parents are the ones chasing after him, wondering why he doesn't really care about having a relationship with them. It's sad, especially when one person doesn't get that the other doesn't care. I'm sorry - I watch my SO's family drama, so I know it's hard to see and to figure out how to help. Sometimes all you can do is just be there for him yourself and try to help him not care so much that his mom is so distant.
Maybe he reminds her of her ex-hubby? Which sucks and is immature, but you just never know what drives people, you know? Sometimes they don't even realize they are doing it. Either way, I think it's worth it for him to talk to her about it, that he feels like she isn't as close as he'd like their relationship to be and he's like to build a bridge. If she doesn't step up... then he may have to cut his losses, sadly.
It must be hard for you to see this... it has to be heartbreaking.
Oh, my. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I would say that some people just don't take an interest in their children's SO's, but this is obviously not the case with her as she visits her daughters often. Maybe you and your SO need to confront her about this to get to the bottom of it. If she won't visit, why not just drop in on her? That way she'll be forced to socialise with you and might get used to it.
@ktisthatbees: He has tried talking to her, she says that its not true and that she doesn't favor any of them.
@Lalai: He lived with both parents. His parents lived in the same town and they had shared custody. After high school he lived with his dad for about a year and then moved out on his own. Ive thought that maybe his mom is mad about that, but it seems like a silly reason to stop talking to your own son.
There are a lot more that has happened over the years, but it would take far too long to write it out. I guess Im just sad that he is always bending over backwards to help his mom, but his mom treats him like she doesn't care at all about him.
@blu77: YES! I have said this a lot because he is very similiar to his dad. They had a nasty divorce and I really think its a big part of it. He looks, talks and acts like his dad.
@shaunna: She doesn't like people to just drop by and she told us that the last time we came over un announced. She says she gets embarassed because the house is such a mess and she doesnt want "non-family" (aka me) to see it.
That's awful. Does it undermine his relationship with his sisters, too?
Honestly I dont know what you can do, if she really doesnt like him and wont admit it then theres little you can do. There could be a reason for this that we dont know, maybe she blames him for the divorce in some way?
@mightywombat: Not too much. He has a pretty good relationship with both sisters. Actually, he talks to one of them several times a week and we visit often. They actually keep him in the loop on family events and get togethers. There have been many family parties that his mom doesn't tell us about but luckily one of his sisters will mention it in passing.
@bells: I think thats part of it. I recently figured out that she was preggers with my SO when they got married. I can't help but wonder if that and his similarites to his dad makes her just not like him.
It just makes me sad. My mom treats him like a son, more than his own mom does.
We're in a similar situation and I know how much it sucks. In my DH's case, MIL raised him as a single parent after his father passed away, and they were very close. He's the only child. After we started dating, she made it clear she disliked me and the whole idea of our relationship. After we got engaged and married, it just kept getting worse. She has basically chosen to have no relationship with us/him.
I don't know what advice I can give you since I'm struggling with this myself right now, but just know you're not alone. Try not to focus on it so much and enjoy the good relationships you do have with his sisters and your family.
@Bostongrl25: That's awesome that he and his sisters are still close even with his mom in the picture. Maybe you can subtly help him to spend more attention on the good relationships he has with them, his dad, friends, you ;) . It sounds like, for whatever reason, she's determined to keep him at arms length and he might need a little help letting go of the idea that he and his mom need to be close. Especially if he's still ready to drop everything when she calls for a favor. Would he get upset if you encouraged him to agree to help her out, but on his own time and terms and not at her beck and call?
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I have wanted to write this post for a while, but I get so mad when I start that I can never finish.
I will try to give the short version: My SO is the oldest of 3 children, all in their late 20's early 30's. His parents divorced when he was young and his dad re-married but his mom did not. He has a good relationship with his dad, but almost no relationship with his mom. His mom clearly favors the two sisters and its something that I noticed right away over 3 years ago. His sisters live out of state and she visits them several times a year, calls a few times a week to check in, gives them very expensive gifts, etc etc. My SO and I live 40 minutes away and in 3 years she has visited twice. Both times were when his sisters were visiting. When he calls his mom she will ignore his calls, and if he texts her to say hi, she wont respond. We have invited her over for breakfast, lunch, dinner, anything and she declines. We have offered to drive her here and back, and she comes up with an excuse. The only time she reaches out to him is when she needs work done around the house. He drops everything and will do whatever is asked of him, because its his mom and he loves her. It blows my mind because he has never done anything to make her have his hatred. He says he was a wild teenager (nothing bad-just typical teenage behavior) but nwo he is 31 with a successful career, owns a home, and has created a good life for himself. It breaks my heart to see him be treated this way, and I feel like I cant do anything about it. He is so hurt but he says it has always been this way.
In the last 6 months she has visited both sisters(they live in different states) and their new boyfriends. She is a wedding photographer and took amazing photos of them-almost like engagement pictures. We have been together for 3 years and she hasnt taken 1 picture of us. I'm a little jealous, but I'll get over it. My heart just breaks for him because every time his call goes un-answered, or a text or email unanswered I see the hurt in his eyes.
Any advice?