Post # 1
I don’t have any kids of my own yet but growing up getting hit was basically the discipline I got. My parents are loving people, but my culture is very strict and hitting is definitely apart of it.
Can you bees with children tell me stories of how you determined what was the most effective discipline to give your kids when they did something wrong etc?
Also elaborate on what didn’t work and why.
Post # 3
My son is only 1 right now. We will not be using spanking or any other physical discipline. I just don’t agree with it. Not going to say much more about that.
However, my stepson is 7 and autistic so what works for him may not work for other children. We use a lot of positive behavior techniques (versus punishment) to basically set him up for success. A well fed, well rested child will have a lot easier time behaving and having a good day than a tired, hungry, dehydrated one. Reward stickers also work really well, he loves to earn them. A calm down jar is also something invaluable to us and it really works (some people have a “chill out chair” or a “calm down corner” or even a whole room for it). The jar he has it filled with glue and glitter so when he needs to calm down we shake it and he needs to hold it until at least most of the glitter hits the bottom. This works twofold, he takes time to calm down and is also mesmerized by the glitter. It’s a time out basically without it being a negative thing.
I 100% believe children should respect their parents, but I do not believe they should fear them. (I know MANY people will disagree with me on this).
Post # 4
Bump because I need to know too!
Post # 5
@Schatzie821: Great idea on the calm down jar!
Post # 6
DD is only 6 months old, so not really a great deal of discipline going on at the moment…
however, I once took my niece to the Nutcracker when she was about 4 years old. It’s a long time for a 4 year old to sit still, but she did ok during the show.
Once we got back to the car, she started to have a meltdown. I think it was about her jacket being too thick to clip her car seat buckle, so I calmly told her “You have two choices: Choice one is I can help you buckle your seat and we can go get a snack on the way home, and choice two is you can throw a fit and we can skip the snack. It is up to you.”
Well, she threw a fit. I closed the car door, and stood with my arms crossed until she quieted down. I opened the door, asked her if I could help her buckle her seat, and she started in again with the temper tantrum.
I closed the door again, and waited for her to calm herself down.
We did finally get going, and she asked if we were stopping for dessert. I reminded her of her choice to have a tantrum instead of accept help, and that we were going straight home. She got upset, but I stayed firm.
She is generally very well behaved when out with me because I don’t make idle threats. If I say we are going home because she’s acting out, then we are absolutely going home. I don’t yell at her for being a typical 4 year old, but I give her an opportunity to change her behavior (or not, as the case may be) but she is aware of the consequences and I stick to them.
Post # 7
@elliptical2013: No kids of my own, but I have spanked my neices. I have NEVER hit them out of anger or hard enough to leave a mark; I also always gave a warning first, to give them a chance to correct their behavior. Honestly, I’ve never had to do it more than two or three times their entire lives; now they know when I say no, I mean no, and generally a stern warning is more than enough to make them stop whatever they’re doing. Despite the spankings and the fact I’m more strict than their other family members, I’m actually their favorite aunt (honestly, they spend more time with me than their own mother. My sister can’t be bothered to get her head pulled out of her own a$$ long enough to pay her kids five minutes of attention a day). The main thing with kids, I think, is to always let them know you love them, even if you don’t always love the way they act.
Post # 8
I grew up in a household that used physical discipline. If I have kids ever, I don’t think I could ever do that. The most physical I could get I think is physically removing them if they are acting up. Or putting my hands on their shoulders and looking in their eyes to speak with them about their behavior. I think going to a time out chair, or taking away priviledges, is the best way to discipline children.
Post # 9
I was hit as a kid, not spanked, hit like borderline abusise… no, abusive. So yes, i don’t like to hit my kids for that reason. Adults just don’t know their strength and hitting a child sometimes an adult can get carried away.
With that said, i am not opposed to light spanking or swatting on the booty or hand. I prefer NOT to hit my kids at all… I hate it. So the discipline I use the most is time out. Although now my mil is saying time out is not a good form of discipline, so I don’t know. Time out is used not very often as my kids tend to listen when I tell them something but if they do something wrong, we also put them to face the wall for the time amount in correspondense to their age. My sister did this with my oldest when he was younger and it really works.
With my oldest, we just take away priveleges but it doesn’t really work. He’s not a bad kid, just lazy and has a ton of school related issues.
Post # 10
@DaneLady: Honestly, as a child I made the CONSCIOUS choice to ruin my own and the adult’s day if I didn’t get what I wanted.
Terrible now to say but looking back I was pretty manipulative. When I didn’t get my way, I would act out, and when things were removed and I didn’t get what I wanted, I made sure to ruin the adult’s day as well as their time was definitely more valuable than mine and I knew it.
So hitting worked for me. I’m a chicken with physical pain. 😛
Post # 11
@ForeverBirds: I actually watched a show where the parents were divorced and the kids preferred the disciplined dad vs. the do anything you want mom after going through joint custody.
Post # 12
Me and my brother were spanked (him a lot more than me, because he has aspergers and my dad either didnt know how to deal with it, or just didnt want to deal with it.) I was a good kid, so I dont remember getting spankings after the age of 8.
I dont have any kids of my own yet, but I babsit a lot. One girl I babysat was a 6 year old, and her dad told me straight up to spank her when she was bad. I can tell you that it was NOT the right form of dicipline for her. It did nothing, except make her scream and rage even more. What did work for her though was time outs. She hated being sent away, so when I would make her go sit down with no toys she’d hurry up and calm down to get out of that situation. But you could have beat her till her bum was raw and she’d still throw a tantrum.
I used time outs and rewards for good behavior for all the other kids and it always worked as well.
Post # 13
I’m not a parent yet, but from watching my brother and his wife parent my nephews, I really do believe that different kids need different forms of discipline. Their older boy (who is 5 and a half) usually responds quickly to simply a stern voice or a quick time-out (he’s a classic oldest child, he hates to disappoint people). Their younger boy, however (almost 4), is a different story. He has a wicked temper, and they’ve found the best way of dealing with him is putting him in timeout and letting him rage (literally – he’ll scream and stomp his feet for a while), then go talk to him about what he did and why it was wrong once he calms down. I think he’d probably just throw a calm-down jar! So they just make him stay put till he calms down and they can actually reason with him.
I think the best approach is to have a clear idea about your own parenting style/philosophy (like being for or against corporal punishment), but then being flexible to figure out what works best for your child(ren).
Post # 14
My mom used to make me pull my own pants down before she spanked me haha. She didn’t hit me hard at all. Pulling my own pants down (while bawling my eyes out) was always the worst part! I mostly got grounded to my room/from things I wanted though.
Post # 15
Oh tear my daughter’s butt up! She gets one warning and if she doesnt listen she gets a spanking. Its doesnt work for all children but it works for mine.
Post # 16
I highly suggest reading SOS: Help for Parents by Lynn Clark to anyone with kids. I work in behavior and it is the best book I have seen.