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Is there a reason you "need" their approval? Are they going to be helping you financially? Because if not, just do it! You're adults and living on your own and don't really need anyone's permission as far as I know ;o)
yeah that's the issue... they'd be paying 1/2 the rent (my parents would pay the other 1/2).
I so WISH we didn't need their money and could just move in whenever we wanted!
Ohhhh, sorry, can't help you there. When I moved in with then-BF my parents weren't in love with the idea, but I was paying my rent, so they had no say! Unfortunately in this situation, his parents do have a say since they'll be paying half of your rent.
Good luck and I hope other posters have some suggestions :o)
Well, I think you need to be prepared to NOT get their blessing. Sometimes (often!) parents and their adult children do not agree. That's ok. I think you just need to tell them (kindly!) and let them know you respect their opinions but have made the choice that's right for you. I think it's important you stress that you are not trying to force them to agree with you but that you wanted to be honest and that you have thought this through carefully.
This, of course, assumes that you are both completely financially independent of your parents, setting up that you are "fully grown" and able to manage your own life responsibly. I don't think anyone can expect their parents to finance a lifestyle that they may not agree with. Transitioning from child to adult can be challenging in evolving relationships between parents/kids!
Good luck!
I posted while you were writing your response... I think you might have to wait until you are both fully independent from your parents. It really isn't fair to ask them to finance something they disagree with.
I'd talk to them about it, but maybe be prepared that they will say no. Until you guys are completely independent... you kind of have to do what they say because they are still acting as caretakers. Again though - talk to them, maybe they have changed their minds!
You are very fortunate to have that much financial support from your parents! Ms. Snapdragon makes a good point about not being able to ask your parents to finance something that they disagree with. However, there are a lot of students that are able to make it work without support from their parents.
There are part-time jobs, financial aid....etc. to fill in the gaps. FI and I both work 30+ hours a week and go to school full time. It sucks, but its worth it because it allows us to live the life we want (or at least close to it).
Thank you ladies :) I know, BF and I are SOO lucky to have financially supportive parents.
My BF has a job, and I am looking for one. We are also full-time students, with very very heavy workloads (both of us are graduating a year early). Rent is so high in Santa Barbara it would be impossible to do it without the help of our parents.
I absolutely agree that we can't force anything on them. It is just so frustrating that we already live together and they are just being stubborn about it :( Added plus, it would be WAYYY cheaper for both of our families if we lived together...
Thank you, bees! You are always such a big help :)
Girl, I have been there... and it never happened. I wish I had words of advice for you, but we had sleepovers nearly every night for four years... yes, it sucks that they pay more, but sometimes you have to accept it. My FI's parents have paid $400/mo for his bedroom in a 4bd apt with three other guys for the past year and a half... and he spends 90% of his time here. I hope you get what you're going for because half the electric and half the rent for me would be nearly $300 a month... le sigh.
Good luck though! I hope it all works out for you!
sigh, i definitely think you'll have to bite the bullet on this one and have separate places... perhaps he could negotiate a lower rent with roommates because he's never there or something like that... for example he could pay like 200 or maybe he could sublease the place while he's at your place without the parents knowing...
((HUGS))
I think there is not much you can do here, unfortunately. I know if it were my child who wanted to live with a boyfriend or girlfriend in college, I wouldn't be willing to pay for it (even though I've been in your situation, too; I just never would have thought to ask our parents to sponsor it)... I'm a little old-fashioned, but when you're ready to live like an adult with all of that freedom, you'd better also be ready to pay for it. I can understand where his parents are coming from. At least you're still able to spend all that time together, though, even if you're not on a lease together.
I agree with the other bees that say you'll have to suck it up and live separately until you can pay for it yourselves. I would have no problem with my child living with someone but I certainly wouldn't pay for it. It would be up to them to take that adult step in their life on their own.
I'm so jealous you have even ONE set of parents okay with it! Both sets of parents would totally flip their lids and be really, really angry at us, which neither of us are okay with since we're both really close to said parental units...
While I agree that his parents are under no obligation to pay for his rent if they're not comfortable with you living together, I do think it's at least worth a shot to ask.
Let them know how serious you are about each other. Let them know if you have any concrete plans for marriage (because I'm assuming their issue is that you're unmarried). If they get offended, let them know that you're not trying to undermine their beliefs and that you understand if they can't agree with it.
I feel for you because at first, my fiance's parents weren't okay with us moving in together. In our situation we were kind of between a rock and a hard place because his parents, rather than paying rent, had taken out a mortgage on a house by our university for him and his brothers to live in while away at school. Moving out of a home they had bought for him to live in would've been a slap in the face, but at the same time, it was hugely restrictive on us. They did come around at the last second, though. Good luck and I'm hoping you'll have a similarly positive outcome! Let us know how it goes!
Tea party has a good point. It could be worth a shot! FI's parents do pay his health insurance and cell phone bill (he's on a family plan). They weren't crazy about us moving in together. But FI has never had a great relationship with them, and has essentially done as he pleased since he was 18. So we moved in together, and were pleasantly suprised when they continued to cover those bills.
I think sometimes parents don't pick their battles very well initially, but in the end they will. When it came down to it, they loved their son and wanted to continue to support him as he furthered his education. Their love for their son overcame their different view points.
My husband and I were in your shoes only a few years ago. :) We met in the dorms our Freshman year, and pretty much lived together (even though we both had roommates). Our Sophomore year we actually ended up being RAs in the Freshman dorms (and still spent every night together) so we didn't move off campus until the summer between our Sophomore and Junior years.
When we moved in together that summer, my parents weren't very supportive. However, I paid my own rent and tuition, so they didn't get much of a say in how I spent my money. If your bf's parents say no, have you looked at other options for paying for rent out of your own pockets? We got a couple roommates in our first rental, so we could bring down the cost of rent. Also, we both got jobs off campus (me at Starbucks, him at an engineering firm) to help contribute a little more to the household.
Honestly, if your bf's parents are really against it, you might just have to suck it and live with it. I knew lots of couples in college who maintained spearate apartments even though they never lived there because of situations like this. The unfortunate truth is that if the parents are paying, they get the final say in how their money is spent.
Unfortunately, I would say just live in separate places. I was in your shoes my sophomore year of college (only last year although technically I'm about to be a senior in a week by credit, you get the picture..) and I moved out with my fiance, we worked, and even though they offered us help we tried to do it on our own. Our grades, social lives, etc all suffered A LOT.
Wait until everyone's comfortable with it; it might turn out to be sooner than you think, maybe just one more year for them to warm up to it, and you're basically living together anyway... month to month your leases and maybe after another semester they'll give in. Half a year to a year is really not that long. But you probably WON'T earn any respect from them by nagging and begging them. Respecting their wishes might change their minds faster. I have parents like that. For example we got engaged at 18 & 19 (me & him). They didnt like it, but we played by their rules, and they financed our education. It was worth it because they are sooo supportive of us and we are marrying very young. You don't always have to totally fit in with his family, but being that they are still supporting him, at least for now, it might be worth a shot.
We just went through being overworked, undersleeping, sick and tired all the time and so stressed out. I'd hate to see you go through all of that just to pay for your own place. GOOD LUCK!!! I hope it all works out in the near future!!
just want you to know it's possible they may be on board. I lived with my now-husband during a summer (and my parents paid my college tuition and room and board so if they dangled that over my head, i would have had to say no) but i did pay my own rent over the summer. I just let them know i wanted to do it and why. My SO was army and i wnated to live with him before we got married. My parents always seemed old fashioned to me, but i guess it was how i presented it to them. they were totally on board and encouraged it. They knew i wouldn' tlive with him unless i was thinking marriage. For us, living together just made me go "yes..i want to marry him someday" and i had an epiphany sometime that summer. So you never know! Just be prepared for them to say no and realize there isn't a lot you can do with it unless you pay your own rent. Worst case, you get a roommate and become a shacker =]. my parents were just okay with it! now, maybe because it was temporary, but maybe b/c they saw the bigger picture--i could get married and divorced without ever having gotten to knmow him. turns out my parents lived together before they got married and they're actually huge advocates of it--they just didn't want me to know that yet =].but my parents knew i stayed over at DH's apartment quite a bit. I lived in a sorority house tho so it wasn't *quite* the same as paying rent in a place i never lived in.
I agree that i wouldn't pay for my child to live with a significant other, although i wouldn't be stupid enough to think that if they got a roommate that she'd/he'd never stay over. That's "adult territory" and i'd want them to be financially responsible for that. If you get a job, do you think you can swing the living expenses and tell your parents that you are willing to pay for it yourself? that would prove maturity and responsibility to them.
ojk substitute everything i said about "your" parents for "his" parents. i flopped them up
Ohhh... I remember this convo!
Honeslty, he has to tell his parnets. You shouldn't be involed in the converstation. That is the way we handled it. Since I was paying for my own rent, I didn't get my parents involed. Since FI's family was paying for his rent, he had to work out something with them. I know they hated the idea! HAHAHA. But some how he made it ok... now 6 years later, we are engaged! HAHAHA
You ladies have all been so helpful!
I definitely don't want to be involved in the convo! I had to deal with my parents alone, and I think it's better if he talks to his parents by himself too. I just think they won't be as open with their thoughts if I'm there (not that we don't like each other, just they'd be more honest with their own son...) However, we don't really have a choice. Evan, my bf, has been trying to talk to them for a week now (on skype and on the phone), and they say they want to talk face-to-face. Unfortunately, the only f-t-f time is on Friday until Wednesday. We're going to his house for Hanukkah... So I'll be there :(
@ejs4y8: We totally thought of doing a summer thing as a "trial" period kinda deal. That's the plan :) We found a place that runs on 3 month leases, and we're going to plead that they let us live together for a summer, and then we'll keep getting 3 month leases the rest of the year (if summer works out [it will!]). According to Evan, his parents are just worried that if we fight, we'll have nowhere to go (not true, we have friends we can stay with, and apartments are ALWAYS available around here with people studying abroad and stuff). They also want to know that we won't be stuck in a lease if things go badly. I think the 3 month leases will help get them onboard :)
Any more advice is greatly appreciated!! How should we start the convo?
love you ladies!
Coccinelle, since you'd prefer to not be a part of the conversation (and I agree that this would probably be better), I'm wondering if there's any way you'd be able to go run an errand while he speaks to his parents? Yes, it might seem pretty "convenient" that you're gone on an errand while they have their discussion, but in the end I'm sure they'd appreciate being able to be forthright with their son without worrying about potentially offending you. If not, hey, that's just the way things worked out, but if you're able to get out of the house for a little while, I definitely think it might help.
Also, the 3 month lease sounds perfect! Good luck :)
I think if you guys aren't financially independent it is going to be hard and you shouldn't push them. My parents refused to finance my living with my FI while I was in school.
I think one of the big issues that I have with living together prior to marriage (although my FI and I are living together now) is this. What happens when mid lease or whatever you guys start having trouble. If you live apart it is so much easier to take a few steps back from the relationship and evaluate what is right. When you are living together it is much more drastic. One person has to leave, or ask the other person to leave even if just for a few nights/days.
Then comes the problem if the relationship isn't right. I honestly believe that a lot of people stay in bad relationships because they are living together. When it is your home, its hard to walk away from that in order to get out of the relationship. If you guys aren't right for marriage, you should be able to simply and easily break up. Simply dating allows for this, but when you are living together it makes it much more difficult. I think a lot of people that live together just take the next steps to marriage because its easier than walking away from a bad relationship because they are living together.
I'm sure these issues are probably a big concern for his parents. I am just trying to give you another perspective.
Also, I think you are totally right about them probably wanting to talk to their son alone. Maybe while you are there you can take a long shower, or a nap, or run to the store to allow them to do this. Tell your BF that he should be up front with them to approach the subject when he has a chance.
Another option would be just for him and his parents to step outside or into their bedroom or something. My parents and I have done this when my FI was in town and he knew what was up and sat patiently watching tv or something.
Just wanted to weigh in - we had this exact same issue and had to deal with it and live together unofficially like you guys have until we graduated. We lived in the same apartment building, three floors away from each other. It wasn't much of a hassle and having the second space was not a huge deal. Actually helpful in terms of storage and if we needed to take showers at same time or something. After we graduated and became financially independent, we moved into an apartment. There are far worse problems to deal with, IMHO, so I would just drop it if his parents are not supportive.
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Hi ladies!
Ok so my bf and I have an issue. We've been together for a little over a year (met in the dorms our freshman year of college). Neither of us had roommates so we lived in the same room (the RAs didn't know ;) . This year, HIS parents (not mine), wouldn't let us live together. We accepted this and each got an apartment (I live alone in a studio, he has a two bedroom with 3 roommates). But we essentially live together in my studio (don't tell my landlord!). Next year, after TWO years of living together, we finally want to move in to the same apartment with his parents' blessing.
My parents are 100% ok with this. How can we make his parents see our side of it??
HELP PLEASE! we have to talk to them when we go visit them on Friday!!