(Closed) NWR: I don’t know what to do about my Dad… (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have absolutely no idea what to tell you. Are you SURE your mom doesn’t have any idea about Kim? Even an inkling? Or maybe she knows and is ignoring it?

All I can say is I think you need to put your foot down and tell your dad Kim is NOT welcome, at all, in anyway, at the wedding and ensure your mom has the correct details. You can tell her now what is going on, but expect a huge blow out for your wedding. You might just want to wait until your wedding is over to do it. It’s been 8 years, so I can’t see a few weeks causing more issues.

And good luck. You might need it!

Post # 6
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Mother of the Bride's residence

I learned, for myself, that sometimes you have to set up your boundaries that make your parents your parents and nothing else. You shouldn’t have to deal with this, nor should your brother, no matter how much of an adult you are. He’s your dad, not your friend, and he should be treating you (and acting) as such.

Easier said than done, but I’d be cutting him out of my life until he can get his stuff together. He needs to decide between his mistress or your mother. I’d be surprised if your mum didn’t know anything was out of the norm — as you said she’s probably just making excuses now to keep from rocking the boat.

Honestly, either way, this is probably going to be really difficult for you, whether he straightens up or not. It’s hard to see your parents as people with faults and issues and problems. My heart goes out to you, and good luck.

Post # 7
5758 posts
Bee Keeper

It isn’t clear how you found out, and how old you were when you did, but I can only imagine how difficult it was and continues to be for you. I also can’t imagine how you didn’t run directly to your Mom and tell her what you knew instead of carrying this burden on your own. How dare your Dad expect you to cover for him and betray your Mom. This makes my blood boil.

The only way I know for you to clear your conscience, and as impossibly difficult as it will be, is to tell your Mom what you know and let her figure out what she has to do. She may not be as destroyed as you expect, and may very well know most of it already. So many people keeping the same secret is so unhealthy! It will be better to lay it all on the table and face it head on.

This is not your problem to solve, but it’s time to give it up and let them deal with their issues.

I’m so angry for you that he thinks this is OK. UGH.

Post # 8
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@ladyartichoke:  so does your mom & dad still live together and act as husband and wife?  are you sure your mom doesn’t know about kim?  everyone else seems to know.  what a terrible position to be in.

Post # 9
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Yeah…I hope your mom divorces your dad and gets alimony so she can finally have the life she deserves. I don’t think I could handle this situation. Tell your mom. She deserves the truth.

Post # 10
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

There’s a lot going on here. Based on what you wrote, my two cents is to tell your mother. It’s obvious you are incredibly torn up about this, and I would hope that she will understand why you have kept it from her for so long and how much it hurt you to. Just keep in mind, she may already know.

Post # 11
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

You shouldn’t have to carry this burden. It is completely unfair to you.

My impulse is that you should gather as much documentation as you can of your dad’s bigamist lifestyle, and once you have that, tell your mother. If she expressed the feeling that YOU somehow betrayed her (which wouldn’t be fair, but people sometimes shoot the messenger), explain that as soon as you found out about it, you demanded that your dad tell her himself. But since he refuses to do that, you couldn’t keep his secret any longer. Explain that you are acting out of loyalty to her, not the other way around.

I don’t know how the laws work in the UK, but with documentation of the kind of double life he’s leading, I would think she could get a favorable divorce settlement.

p.s. It might also be helpful to have one or two sessions (by yourself) with a family therapist, who could help you think through the best course of action given the circumstances.

Post # 12
1330 posts
Bumble bee

I am so sorry to hear the amount of stress and aignst you are going through. This is a very uncomfortable situation. Us girls look up to our dads for guidance, love, support, and role models. This is so difficult, there is no easy way to handle this, as you know.  I can 80% assure you that your mom probably knows. That lack of attention, distance, she has to know over that period of time. Over-attention is a way for a wife to compensate or bring the husband’s attention back. Last-ditch efforts such as waiting on, elaborate cooking, overly attentive, and extreme adoration can sometimes indicate a wife who is in severe denial about her relationship. Women will do more, blame themseves and try to compensate when their huband has strayed. Sometimes they think if they are just more loving, more perfect, more something, he will ignore that other person, and come back.

I have seen this happen on a very personal level with many people close to me and this is why I suggest your mother probably knows or at the least, suspects. Your father clearly does not believe you will follow through with any of your ultimatums and doesn’t respect you enough to listen. It sounds like he is quite focussed on HIM and right now, he is clearly confident that even if your mom did know, he would still be fine. If he didn’t he would have reacted more severely….said or done anything to protect his lies. Which again, leads me to believe, based on what you said, that your mom might know.

So what to do now? Honestly, as much as you love your mom and care for her, this is a private matter between your mom and dad. Your dad is too absorbed in this to take notice that he is hurting everyone around him.  Personally, if it were me, I would vut off contact with my dad altogether and tell him why I am doing it, and focus on being there for your mom.

I hope you come to a peaceful place on this, this stress and agony is not healthy for you. 🙁

Post # 13
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Personally, I know what it feels like to deal with a dad’s infidelity and the heaviness that comes with knowing.

As an adult, I dont think you should be the one to tell your mom. But you could be sneaky about it. Could you maybe mail her some evidence? It’s cruel, but I just couldn’t bare to be the one to tell her. But then again, if this has been going on for so long and your dad has been so open about it with you and your brother (as well as in public), I think your mom probably knows to some extendt.

Post # 14
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

This just sounds so odd to me… and what an awful position for your father to have put you in.  I really wonder if your mom truly doesn’t know, or if they have some sort of “arrangement.”  Either way, I think what you need to do now is take care of YOU.  You gave him an ultimatum, but didn’t follow through – it’s time to follow through.

Your mom will be crushed for sure if she doesn’t know, but at this point, shouldn’t you be the one to tell her you’ve known this for 8 years and not him?  I wouldn’t want him telling her for you.

Your dad sounds like a narcissist.  He should NEVER have let you in on his little secret and expected you guys to withhold the truth from your mother.  I’d let your dad dig himself a little deeper (it’s not your problem), but I’d just tell him that you’re telling your mother the truth if he doesn’t do so himself.

I think it’s hard to betray your parents, but the thing is, he’s betraying your mom and he’s betraying his childrens’ trust.  He doesn’t deserve your loyalty at all and maybe he is mentally ill or something, but that doesnt excuse what he’s doing.

What is your parents’ take on divorce?  Are they totally against it?  Is this the reason that your dad is out having his kicks on the side, because your mother would never sign the papers?  Just wondering, because a similar thing happened with my parents.

Post # 15
263 posts
Helper bee

PMed you.

The topic ‘NWR: I don’t know what to do about my Dad… (long)’ is closed to new replies.

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