Post # 1
I’ve been friends with “Kyle” for a few years now. He was actually a roommate of my Fiance. Kyle lives in our hometown, and he and I go to a weekly exercise class together. We’re friends, nothing more. He’s brought some friends to class recently, and one has been coming ever since the spring.
Kyle started dating this new girl, Jenna. Jenna is a few years younger than me (we have a 5 year age difference). I am under the impression that Kyle is her first serious boyfriend. She is also going to school out of town. My Fiance is also currently out of town for school. Ever since Kyle started dating this girl, when we aren’t working out, he’s constantly texting this girl. He has even backed out of plans because this girl wanted him to. He has now stopped going to the exercise class. I finally called him on it. I asked why he hasn’t been able to make it, and I at first got some lame excuses. Finally, he said that Jenna was uncomfortable with him spending time with me.
This really, really made me angry. I have met Jenna three times while she was in town. Once, I was with Kyle and a mutual (male) friend of ours. The second and third times, I was with my Fiance. I have always been nice to her, being the first to say “hello”. I ask her questions about her major, about some trips she’s taken, and she’s responded back with information, but that’s it. She doesn’t ask me any questions about what I do or make an effort to get to know me. The biggest thing that angers me is that I have jumped to the conclusion that she thinks I’m trying something with her boyfriend (at least, that’s how I view it…why else would she not want me around him?). It was made very, very clear that I am engaged. I have in NO WAY done or said anything that would even give that impression. Furthermore, I am insulted that she would even THINK that I would EVER do anything in that manor that would harm my relationship with my Fiance.
I just texted Kyle back by saying that I am not sure by what she means about “uncomfortable”, and I have yet to get a response back. I have no clue what to do. I don’t even know what to tell my Fiance about this situation. I am really hurt by my friend’s actions. I know that he’s probably trying to reassure his girlfriend, but at the same time, I don’t like that I’m being made out to be a bad person.
I know I should probably just cut him out, but he’s in our tight circle of friends, he will be one of FI’s groomsmen. It’s just not that easy. So, I’m at a loss here.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry you’re going through this :(. It happened to me and my best friend in college, when his crazy girlfriend thought we were doing stuff behind her back. It’s a tough situation, since anything you try to do to make it better just makes it worse. I tried being friends with her so she would see that I’m not a man thief, but then when she still accused me of it, it just made it a billion times worse.
What helped get me through was just talking to my friend openly about it. He did what he could, but basically we ended up sneaking around just to hang out :/. Keep your chin up, and hopefully she’ll either get over it or he’ll wisen up.
Post # 4
Ugh, I’m sorry. One of my best friends is a guy, and my husband’s best friend of over 20 years is a woman. I for the life of me, cannot understand people who don’t understand that people of opposite sexes can be just friends. Not every woman wants to have sex with every man.
I think you should tell your Fiance what’s up. Kyle is really the one who needs to be upfront about the situation with his gf, and make it clear that friends are friends whether they are male or female. It’s unfortunate he is not doing that, and instead catering to someone who is insecure.
That all sucks though, sorry you have to deal with that 🙁
Post # 5
So she might be crazy, but at the end of the day, your beef is with HIM, not her. Because there are two choices:
1. She is overreacting, in which case, he should stand up for your friendship AND your character and tell her to back off.
2. She is not overreacting and he is doing something to make her insecure
Guys only become p-whipped willingly.
Post # 6
I agree with JennyW1. It’s possible she’s just terribly insecure and thinks every girl is after her boyfriend and the only way she can control it is to try to alienate him from his female friends, but, at the end of the day, he is choosing to make her happy over spending time with you. It sucks, but there’s really nothing you can do about it. On the plus side, if they do break up, and Kyle returns to normal, I think he will be less likely to take up with another freakishly insecure chick. All you can do is ride it out.
Post # 7
I mean no disrespect but in trying to see it from his perspective I can kinda understand what he’s going through. His new Girlfriend has no clue what kind of friend you are to him or how important this relationship is – all she sees is that there’s another woman spending quality time with her Boyfriend or Best Friend. That’s enough to put any woman at odds. And Kyle, being a loving Boyfriend or Best Friend, doesn’t want to do anything to make her feel uncomfortable.
It’s just a crappy lose lose situation.
It’s crappy that you’re slowly losing a good friend but don’t be too mad at her. I see how upsetting it is to be portrayed as the “man stealing harlot” when your intentions are pure but at the same time every man stealing harlot begins as “just a friend” that got too close. She’d have to be blind not to be at least a little worried.
Also, isn’t it a little rude to call a man p*ssy whipped just because he wants to make his woman happy? I’m sure you’d be insulted if someone called you Fiance p*ssy whipped for buying you flowers. A man (or woman) needs to respect his relationship enough to avoid things that upset their SO. If he drives too fast and you ask him to slow down wouldn’t you want him to? If he remains friends with an ex and you ask him to stop wouldn’t you want him to? It’s not whipped – it’s respect.
Post # 8
A SO who expects you to cut ties with friends, of any sex, who have been good kind friends isn’t much of a SO if you ask me. She sounds insecure and controlling – and for your friend’s sake I hope it doesn’t last.
Sorry for this icky situation that you are in!
Post # 9
It’s hard. On one hand, I am ticked off for you. I totally know how irritating it is to loose a friend of the opposite sex, solely due to objections from their SO.I’m sorry you’re going through it. I also want to give you and your SO props for being mature and understanding enough to find comfort in the friendships you have outside of the relationship (even with members of the opposite gender).
However, if a bee was to write a thread, documenting a story from the perspective of your friend’s girlfriend, unfortunately, I think most of the replies would sway in her favor. Imagine, you’re griping about your boyfriend exercising and bonding with another female on a regular basis – from that standpoint, you wouldn’t sound too possessive if you expressed discomfort – just concerned.
I truly believe all your intentions are good. You’re engaged and totally off the market, have shown no romantic interest, and happen to have a solid, heathly friendship with this guy. If he’s a good friend, he needs to take the steps to continue to nurture that bond. I would advise you to invite her to come work out with you guys, but you mentioned she lives out of town. Pooh. Can you reach out to his girlfriend in hopes of making her more comfortable?
Post # 10
I agree with MadameLady and izziebear, they articulated exactly what I was thinking. Gotta think about it from the other side. In general, I think friendships wane (aka priorities change) as you and everyone around you get married, get into your careers, perhaps move, and have children. So focus on your Fiance and don’t dwell too much on a girl you barely know! Or if you’re like me, relieve frustration by making fun of her with your Fiance just to make yourself feel better lol~ 🙂
Post # 11
This stuff happens more and more as time goes by… then one day you look around, and the only girls you know are on Weddingbee.
Post # 12
@yoori: I guess I think it’s one thing when you sort of grow apart organically. I totally get that. I think that happens in many friendships. However, that is different than forbidding a friendship or alienating your SO from pre-existing friends. I would have told my Fiance to take a hike!
Post # 13
@MadameLady: I do understand where you’re coming from. I can see how she would feel a bit insecure, and with being in a LDR, the insecurities about another girl can be multiplied by 10. I know I have been in that situation before, and when the “other woman” has reached out, I have felt better. I guess I feel like I shouldn’t be a “threat” to her, because I am engaged. I don’t want her to have to worry (because there is no reason to, whatsoever), which is why I feel like I’ve tried to bend over backwards. The big thing is that I feel like she’s insinuating that I would cheat on my Fiance (this could totally not be her intention, so I’m trying not to focus on that part), and the other part is that it does hurt to lose a friend.
However, I would like to clarify something that you posted. I re-read my original post, and I never mentioned that he was p-whipped. I just said that I was frustrated with the situation, which I think is understandable.
@izziebear: You bring up some really good points! Kyle started dating Jenna right before she went back to school, so I met her before she went back. Then, while she was home for Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks, I made the suggestion that we all get together. I’ve initiated conversations and been really nice and polite. I haven’t friended her on Facebook–I don’t want to come off as creepy. I wish I knew a way to make her feel more comfortable. I would honestly like to cut out the middle man (Kyle) and ask her if I have done anything. I don’t know if that’s going too far.
@mrbee: Haha, oh so true :-). That’s what it seems like sometimes!
It’s just a frustrating situation. I guess I just need to talk to the girl and see what’s going on. I need to think about what I want to say, because I don’t want to come off as threatening or attacking. I would just like clarification if I have done something to offend her or what. I haven’t been able to talk to Fiance about the situation. He’s been around the girl almost as much as I have, so it would be interesting to hear his thoughts on the situation.
Post # 14
Sadly, i know how you feel. One of my bestest best friends and I broke up over a girl too! She ended up being his wife, so i guess it was worth it..but still sucks nevertheless. I wasn’t even invited to their wedding.
former bff and I met freshman year and became inseparable..my ex was his roommate and the three of us used to have date nights together…and when I want to watch chick flicks..he was my date to the movies. He rescued me from a drowning incident and helped me to classes when I broke my leg…After ex and I broke up..bffand I remained friends and kept our usual date night. I persuaded him to go out with my roommate’s friend and pushed him to like her (he liked someone else at the time)…the closer they got..the more space she wanted between bff and I. Until one day I noticed something wrong and asked him what give. He told me that his gf was not happy that we were friends so he needed to keep his distance. I cried but then I realized it’s probably a tough decision he just made..so i sucked it up and told him that he meant the world to me..but in the big scheme of thing..i wanted him to be happy. Since then..i haven’t talked to him. I ran into his wife at a bridal shower a few weeks ago for my roommate..and she just ignored me. That witch! jk
Post # 15
@swtTea: Oh man! I am so sorry that you lost your bff over a girl…and you even helped the two of them get together! That’s another thing that slightly concerns me (only because it’s still so far away). When my Fiance and I get married next year, I know that Kyle will be one of his groomsmen. If she really is insinuating that I would be cheating on my Fiance with Kyle, I honestly don’t want her at my wedding. I don’t want a person there who would say things like that. However, it’s a double edged sword. If we would say she can’t come, then Kyle would probably be mad, he may not even want to go, and that would be really upsetting to us, especially Fiance. Plus, it would probably make me look bad and make things look suspicious to her. On the other hand, why invite such a negative person?
Hopefully this will all be resolved somehow before I really need to worry about it :-). Thanks for sharing your story, though! It is nice to know that others have gone through it.
Post # 16
@keepsmiling19: oh no i know you didn’t say p-whipped but other bees did 🙂 I was addressing them and I guess I wasn’t clear enough..
And yeah I do understand that you already have a Fiance and are off the market, which should put her at ease but doesn’t. Like I said, its just a terrible situation. Keeping male friends aint easy – I’ve lost a few myself :…albeit mine were single and actually did try to date me before becoming engaged. and yeah, she’s assuming you would cheat on your Fiance. That aint cool.