Post # 1
I need to unload, but want to be respectful of the loss some friends have recently experienced…so I’ll try to be brief and non-specific.
My fiance was engaged before meeting me, and during his relationship with his ex, he became very close friends with the ex’s sister and BIL. So close that when the ex had cheated on and dumped my Fiance, the sis and BIL rallied to his side, and supported him in so many ways that he is eternally grateful for. I was admittedly nervous when I met the sis for the first time (I mean, it’s strange to think about), but they have been so happy for us and are genuine friends.
Fast forward to this week: they experienced some deep and profound loss. Everyone is hurting on their behalf because they are good people that deserve happiness. I’m not going to go into what happened, but it was a very sad event.
Now the ex is calling my Fiance (15x so far today), leaving angry voicemails saying he owes it to her to be there for her during this time of hurt, because she was there for him when his parent died.
My fiance is a sweet and understanding guy, but he’s really, really angry about these calls. I offered that maybe she’s reaching out to him because she doesn’t have friends who know the sis and BIL, and she’s looking to talk with someone who understands this loss. But he feels manipulated because he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to talk to her, and he thinks she’s using the memory of his parent to make him feel guilty and talk to her.
He’s turned off the cell phone for tonight, but I just want to vent here because given the circumstances with our friends, I feel like I can’t speak about this to anyone.
Post # 3
I like how your fiance handled this. It bothers me she said he should be there because she was there for them while they were dating- I hate manipulation. Personally, I would have him call her back, tell her he’s sorry for what happened and then set a boundary: she needs to stop calling him. After that don’t answer the phone again and forget she exists.
I’m sorry to hear about her family’s misfortune though 🙁
Post # 4
@maureen9004 – I am definitely open to him calling her back, but he doesn’t feel comfortable and doesn’t want to feed into what he views as selfish behavior (given that the focus should be on the sis and not on the ex).
Thanks! It feels better just to have someone listen.
Post # 5
Were they together when his parents passed? Not that he should have to “be there” for her regardless, but if they were together when his parent passed then I don’t understand how this situation is similar at all really. Of course you’d be there for your Fiance, but I’m not going to comfort every ex that ever goes through a traumatic event. Plus since she cheated on him and dumped him I don’t see how she deserves any loyalty.
It seems like the sister and BIL are the ones experiencing the loss, and it sounds like y’all are doing your best to be there for them. I don’t think the ex Fiance needs to be part of this equation. It sounds like your Fiance is handling it the best way. Sorry you have to deal with all this.
Post # 6
Sorry, you have to go through this. The ex is truly selfish and is only concerned about herself. When he’s ready to talk to her, then he will. Better to ignore her calls instead of blowing up over the phone. I would just be supportive of him and the family during this time.
Post # 7
@mg1363: Yes, they were dating back when his mom died.
Post # 8
Well then of course she would be there for him…they were together. She lost that support system when she made the decision to cheat and break up with him. I may sound heartless in saying this but if my ex called me telling me that I had to be his support system and I owed it to him, it’s very likely I’d laugh. That’s just so incredibly bizarre to me that I just can’t even wrap my brain around it. It would be one thing if y’all had called her to offer support but the fact that she’s calling him demanding it just isn’t right.
Post # 9
Agree with what everyone else says. Like mg1363 said ‘she lost that support system when she made the decision to cheat and break up with him’
My Fiance has had the same problem with an ex, still expecting the same level of closeness they had when they were together. It just doesn’t work that way, that’s one of the main points of not being together, otherwise why split? Not saying you can’t be friends with exs, but I don’t think it’s very respectful to any new partner to demand that level of support.
Sorry that you are both having to deal with this, and for the loss your friends have had.
Post # 10
UPDATE: Now FH’s ex is pulling the same stunt again. The ex’s brother-in-law (who will be FH’s best man next week) was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago.
The ex has called FH’s work numbers several times in order to get an “update.”
Ways we know this is total b*llsh!t:
- Brother-in-law was diagnosed a few weeks ago and had surgery last week. Calling several times today is just bizarre and not particularly timely.
- IT’S A WEEK BEFORE OUR WEDDING.
- The ex visited her sister a few weeks ago, so we know she’s talking with her sister, and could just get update on her brother-in-law’s condition by calling HER.
FH plans on ignoring her, but if the calls get worse, I’ll likely pick up the phone myself and very calmly let her know this isn’t a good time for us and it’s best to get the news directly from her sister.
We’re not going to bother the sister/brother-in-law because they have a lot on their hands and don’t need the ex’s antics making it worse. UGH.
Post # 11
I think letting her know that now isn’t a good time sounds like a great idea if ignoring her doesn’t work, but I would think about letting him make the call, not you.