Post # 1
I’ve spent 5 weeks with my Mum (and apart from SO) for many reasons. But long story short, she’s seen a lot of me. I last saw her yesterday morning. It’s my actual birthday on Friday, and I mentioned a while ago how it’d be nice for her and my Dad to come visit at the weekend.
On Thursday Dad’s going away and wont be back until Saturday so she’s going to be lonely. So Dad can’t come and this weekend has now turned into her turning up on Thursday.
SO and I had said we’ll go to a nice restaurant we know, we knew my Dad would love it. Mum would have gone along with it but now it’s just her I felt we had to change from that restaurant to another, because she doesn’t really like the kind of food and it’s quite pricey for something she’ll hate. Now she announces she’ll be leaving at lunchtime on Sunday.
I’m pulling my hair out. I want to have crazy birthday sex, and it’s not going to be possible with her in the next room with thin walls. SO has a work thing we have to (and want to) go to on Friday night anyway. I want to go to the restaurant we like, and eat the food we like, and have the birthday lunch we’d planned. Now I can’t have lunch at all because I have to take Mum to the airport.
It’s our first weekend together in months, and I’m stressing about pleasing my mother. I told her no to Thursday, and she played the “I’m lonely” card along with the “it’s to expensive just for two night” card. I just want to tell her to come another weekend, but now my Dad’s working the thought of even suggesting it makes me feel guilty.
What would you do? Do I suck it up or tell her to come another time? And if the latter – how?
And for poll-loving bees, I added one just for you!
Post # 3
Ask her to come next weekend with your dad and explain that logistically, it’s turning into a bit of a nightmare because you have other obligations for the weekend. Tell her you’re sorry she’s lonely and that you’ll call her for a chat (and do so). Or you could always celebrate your birthday the following weekend.
Post # 5
@Edelweiss: I agree with this. Good luck!
Post # 6
I’d suggest another weekend, for sure. Your dad’s only going to be gone 2-3 days – she’ll be fine and she needs to learn to cope with being alone without having you to lean on. I know you don’t want to hurt your mom, but she’s an adult and it’s not your job to entertain her when your dad is gone.
Explain that you have an obligation on Friday and that you already have plans for Sunday, so this weekend really won’t work. You can state it as though you feel bad having her up for a weekend where she’ll end up being left alone sometimes since you and SO have things that you “can’t” get out of, and you’d rather she be there when you can spend more time together.
Post # 7
Just tell her you have plans – and work her visit around your plans.
Post # 8
I will go against the grain and say suck it up and pick up Mom. I bet she has done the same for you many times in the past and y’all will have many chances for wild and crazy sex during your long and happy marriage.
Be creative and find a different spot other than the bedroom!
Post # 9
I’ve had a similar battle with my Mom for years. I’ve tried to make her happy but she is always miserable and lonely and always guilt trips me into things I don’t want to do. I choose what works for me and not what works for her now. She is an adult, she can figure her own things out.
Now I have my MIL who is also needy and picks the worst times to visit. I don’t make plans around her just because she chose a lifestyle that is the opposite of ours. If we have plans, I tell her that we are busy. She can be mad all she wants about it.
I am not making my life miserable to please any of these people. Family is suppose to help you and not manipulate your and guilt trip you into things you don’t want.
Post # 10
@Rusalka: Couldn’t agree with this more.
My mother is 70 and has been divorced from my father since she was 47. She’s not had a relationship since, and has no desire to. Although my younger brother lives with her, he works two jobs and has a pretty active social life. So she is on her own quite a lot.
And she copes…she has to. She spends time with friends, goes to the library, goes shopping etc. She actually feels pretty annoyed and angry if anyone feels sorry for her. Yes, she would prefer things to be different, but lives with the reality of her life.
Just tell your mother you already have plans, and at the same time, fix a firm date when you will see her next.
Post # 11
Well bees. Just wanted to update you, SO basically told me I was taking the whole thing to heart to much, and just to let her come. We are still going out without her tomorrow and I told her I wanted her to stay longer on Sunday so we could have lunch. It’s not the best compromise but it makes SO look like a great FSonIL. Thanks for all your help, I wont be letting myself get in this situation again!!
Post # 12
@Rusalka: I have a similar relationship with my mom. So much guilt! It becomes draining.
OP, I suggest setting some boundaries with her and sticking to them. I had to learn how to do that, and it was hard, but it’s worth our sanity! Also, I grew up feeling like I would be selfish in scenarios like this where I wouldn’t want to invite her. It’s okay to express our needs!