NWR: My mother makes me cry every we talk…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4072 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I don’t have much advice, but you are certainly not alone. The relationship I have with my mother is not so terrible that I would cut her out of my life, but it is bad enough that I dread spending time with her because it never ends well. I do understand how hard it is to confront her though, but that may be your only option. Be blunt and tell her you won’t accept her passive aggressive insults.

Post # 4
Member
2833 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

ohhh, honey. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Just know you’re not alone. hugs!!!

Post # 5
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@AtLeastIHaveHim:  Your mom sounds like a really negative person.You have a few options to deal with this.

1) If you’re not in the mood, don’t take her calls. Answer only when you’re feeling good, super confident, and when you know she can’t tear you down.

2) Balance her negativity with your own positivity, followed up by changing the topic. Her: “I don’t know why you haven’t broken up with him yet!” You: “He makes me so happy and I love him. How’s grandma?”

3) Stand up to her, in a firm, but non-dramatic way. Her: “Blah blah negative/critical crap.” You: “Mom, when you say things like that, it really hurts my feelings. Your opinions mean a lot to me. I know I am making good decisions in life, because you taught me how! But I need you to be supportive. If you can’t do that, I don’t think we should talk as often.”

4) Get your dad’s perspective. Ask if he has any insight into why she’s so critical of you and if he has an tips for managing it.

Good luck. This stuff is hard, but forming healthy boundaries between ourselves and our parents is often a big part of being an adult!

Post # 6
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My mom and I have a communication relationship that seems similar to yours. I dread the thought of having to call her, I panic internally when her name shows up on my phone, and I always hang up feeling worse than I did beofre I picked up. My father and I also have a good relationship, and I intentionally visit him in the time frame between when they get home from work (he comes home first).

I have learned over the years (I’m 29 now) to compartmentalize her a little bit. I have a special place for Mom anger, now that I am confident in my own decisions. You have to hear, or pretend to hear, concern. Because the hard and fast truth that I know, is that if she didn’t care about you, she would not bother calling, or expressing opinions different than yours (I say this with the assumption that she was not physically or verbally abusive).

When I don’t agree with something she says now, or if she uses a backhanded compliment, I call her out on it in a constructive, non-vindictive way. Yelling or crying or snarking at her only fuels her fire. Saying, “Mom, when you say “Did you know everything processes through your liver? Did they tell you not to drink alcohol?”, it doesn’t convey that you’re concerned. It just makes me think, “Does my own mother think I’m so dumb that I don’t know what my liver does?”

It sounds very cliche and “therapy-esque” but it helps me both express to her that she hurt me, and realize that the way it makes me feel is not true (i.e., I know I’m not stupid).

If she is truly verbally abusive, then I would seek therapy or a counselor so that your SO doesn’t become your primary sounding board for such a complex issue. Mothers are tough, I am sorry you are going through this.

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