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"I wish you and I communicated as often and God and I do" how about that
I am so, so sorry you have to deal with this. ((HUGS))
You could add her email address to your spam folder, so then you won't even see if she sends you another email. Or block her completely
@cbee: I can give you hugs and happy birthday wishes.
Her behavior is just...eerie to me. I don't know why this is all she has to say to you. I'm sorry she is treating you this way.
No advice other than to ignore her but "I will pray for you" has to be the most passive aggressive line in the english language.
@retreadbride: I like that, thanks for lightening it up.
@MrsSl82be: Thanks! I just deleted and blocked the email. Great suggestion!
@Just_Squeeze: Thanks. Eerie is a great word for her. I think know she is disturbed.
@LGenz: Yes! She is all about the manipulation and just barely perceptible passive aggression. Like a true pro.
@MrsSl82be: Thank you so much, that is really sweet!
@eeniebeans: Love it!
Thank you all, I hope you all feel good for helping someone you don't even know. It really means a lot to me.
Hugs!!!! Sorry your mom is a jerk. That is such a transparently manipulative thing to say.
I hope that you have an AWESOME birthday despite her bitterness. Here's a cake for you!
Happy Birthday!
My aunt is like this, even to the point of using her idea of God as an excuse to be unhappy ("if God wanted me to be happy, he would do x, y, z"). As I got older, she became more agressive with her comments, cards, etc. Having someone say "I'll pray for you", "God loves you, even you though you keep doing x, y, z" which I think is MEANT to be somehow comforting, is really just so freaking passive agressive.
The only advice I have (and I know that this is my aunt, and not my mom...which would be much more difficult to deal with) is to realise that this is who she is and only you can make the choice to let her comments bother you. When I finally figured out that she was unstable and a sad person, I felt much less anger and a lot more pity. This really helped me get through some trying experiences during the wedding and holidays. I know this is easier said than done, but once I realised this about my aunt, things got a lot easier for me. I also stopped communicating with her unless I had to. lol Blocking emails, getting call display, etc. saved my sanity. :)
I really hope that you have a great rest of the day! Don't let her ruin your birthday.
@ArwenBride: That is really good advice. That is really what I needed to hear. Thank you. Thank you ;)
Wow, I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this! People who use God to make others feel bad - well, that's pretty damn low. (((Hugs)))
I am really sorry your mom is like that. Oh, and a very happy birthday to you! I hope you share someone of that awesome cake mightywombat gave you it looks yummy! ;)
My mom went through a phase like this too. People who feel guilt often put it on to others which is really what I think she is doing to you. She feels guilty about the past and she is attempting to manipulate you into feeling guilty too. Don't listen to her please. Enjoy your day and I agree with the Spam folder!
@Bubu82: I agree. I'm a Christian and I hate when people use God to put down others, whether they believe in Him or not. :(
Your relationship with God is only between you and God, and if you believe he's in your heart it doesn't matter what your mom thinks. (And if you don't and don't care, well, it still doesn't matter what your mom thinks.)
@ArwenBride: I also agree with this :) Your mom is the one with the problem, not you. So don't let her bring you down.
And happy birthday!
@Bubu82: Thanks- I totally agree.
@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: I think you are right- she makes others feel bad/ blames them if she feels guilty. it is hard to deal with. I wish she wouldn't do that! Thanks for the kind and wise words.
@galloway111: Good advice, thanks a lot. You sound like a good Christian. You get it ;)
My grandmother is like this, and I find it utterly ironic that despite her insistence that she'll "pray for us/me/whomever" and that we need "God's love," she is one of the most hateful people I know. I'd like to tell her that I'll see her in hell, but I'm sure that'd just send her into histrionics. Welp.
@cherrypie: LOL! That is awesome. I mean, it is funny because I can relate. Isn't taht how it always is with them?
She wants to manipulate me so that I won't get away. I know it. I need to let her wallow in her own guilt. Making me feel bad is her way of controlling me. She needs to know that that is not going to work. She wants to hold tight, blame me for her guilt.
I think my mother wants to hold me tight, keep me from "getting away" from her, because no one can stand her because of the way she treats people. I think she wants to make me think I need "her" ("God"= her in her eyes!) She loves to play God. I think she needs to love herself and be fair and kind and reasonable- something I sure can't do for her! And live up to her own mistakes and not blame them on others or pass them off on others.
Around the time of my wedding, she wrote me this email about how I let the devil give me bad thoughts about her - I am letting the devil control my mind- crazy stuff like that- (I wasn't even thinking badly of her- but talking like that makes me run farther, not come in closer! I know she does it to reel me in- but it doesn't work for me.) It is like "look lady, you are the only one acting devilish. You are thinking those thoughts about yourself!"
It is like- no, I have legitimate reasons for feeling the way I do. I guess I am venting. Thanks bees!
what a cruel woman to constantly pound on your self esteem this way, kind of like water torture where the abuse is never ending and eroding – but you know what, you are now an adult and you can speak to her on an adult level and say your words and judgments no longer have any power over me
don’t let her make you question your self worth – her behavior says more about herself and her own unhappiness than you
I am absolutely beyond irritated by people using Christ/religion as a weapon of manipulation and passive aggressive abuse. If Christ will know us by the fruits of our labor how on earth do we expect to be percieved as Christians if we are bullying and belittling the people around us???
I would direct your mother to reacquaint herself with Matthew Chapter 7, especially 7:1-3 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
I am sorry for all your frustration. I do hope that you have a Happy Birthday despite her! :)
@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: Heehee, thanks! It's dark chocolate with white chocolate frosting and blueberries on top.
My MIL is like this, so I can totally empathize. Along with the other suggestions, I'd probably just distance myself from her. My FI and I finally are after 5 years of trying to be loving and open with my FI's mom. She is one of the most unhappy, judgmental women I know. :(
awww i'm sorry *hugs* happy brithday!! I dont really know what to say other then you can try blocking her emails until you feel comfortable dealing with her
I am so sorry you have to deal with a mother like this. I know second-hand what it can be like, and I hurt for you. FI's father is A LOT like your mother. Very religious and demanded everyone in his family adhere to his religious ideals. He demanded complete control over his family, and was emotionally distant and cold to them, while demanding more and more from them in school, work, at home. He continued to try to lord over FI's life even after he moved out; angry that he left their church, and threatened to take him off his health insurance and not to sign a tuition waiver for school if he didn't do what he wanted. He was/is very manipulative and completely unwilling to recognize his faults and how they've hurt people. It's been VERY hard for FI, and I imagine it's very similar to how your mother makes you feel.
My best advice is to just cut her out of your life, at the very least, temporarily. FI told his father he couldn't speak to him or have contact with him anymore because he only brings harm and strife his life, his relationships, and his well-being. He explained to him why he felt this way and what he needed in order for their relationship to move forward, but his dad was completely unwilling to understand it, and they still aren't talking. His dad is convinced that FI will find God and come back to the church, and that this is " just a phase" he's going through. He completely invalidates FI's thoughts and feelings, which is what it sounds like your mother does to you when she says she will pray for you and that you just need God in your heart. You're exactly right when you say she is just acting like this to avoid responsibility for what she's done. FI's dad constantly moved his family around so that HE could try out different jobs. He treated FI's mother like shit, and she left him. He married another woman who treated FI like shit and he made excuses for her and stood by her. You can't let your mother do this to you. She is being selfish and she's just wrong. It's damaging and it's unacceptable for a parent to conduct themselves like that.
It may be difficult, but you should stop talking to her and let her think what she wants to think. You can't let her problems and her delusions negatively impact your life and stop you from doing what's best for you. Best of luck to you.
@cbee: Seriously, I can't tell enough Bees....read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, Ph.D. It changed my life and the way I deal with my biological mother who also avoids the "truth" where she is concerned at all costs.
I don't know about any of you, but I feel as though when people hit the middle age-range of their lives, they either become really religious or just...crazy. Some make it to middle age and stay fairly normal, but it seems in my family and FI's...people lose their dang minds.
My mother has become really religious in the past few years since I left the house to go to college. She knows I don't go to church (my family is catholic and I did that whole process), and she cannot accept that I do not agree with organized religion, for my own personal reasons. This does not mean that I do not believe in God or a higher power. I would rather pray and believe on my own.
Anyway, my mother and I were walking my dog and got into a slight disagreement over wedding locations (having it near my house vs. my home town). Suddenly, she starts STORMING up the hill, pulling my dog behind her (he was wide eyed and looking back at me like 'mommy get the crazy lady off me!'), SCREAMING: "YOU ARE SO UNGRATEFUL, YOUR AUNT AND I JUST WISH YOU WOULD GO TO CHURCH EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, IT WOULD NOT KILL YOU!!!!'.
WTF?! 1. Thanks for letting all the neighbors know that I am a flaming heathen, 2. How will me going to church let me know where the best location for a wedding is?, 3. How long have you been holding in this resentment about me not going to church?
My mother and I actually have a great relationship, but we cannot talk about religion. When she starts on me about it, I just listen and then change the subject. Believe me, I felt like a dirty person inside for about a week after she yelled that...it really did something to my self esteem. But I eventually realized that I am fine the way I am and I am on my own now, with a job, a house, and a FI...and I don't have to do everything my mom says.
I think it was good you blocked the emails. She will probably keep bringing it up...so maybe someday you can tell her that if she wants a relationship with you, you both need to respect each other's religious beliefs...if you even want a relationship with her at all, which is totally up to you and seems justifiable if you don't. I apologize that this was so long...I still can't get over the image in my head of my mother stomping up a steep hill in a religion-induced fit of fury.
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I just need some support. When I was young my mother told me I didn't have "God in my heart" because I was stressed from all of her moves and marriages. She told me if I only asked God into my heart I would not any feel anxiety.
When I was little I tried every way I could to "ask God in my heart" and prayed constantly in different ways, always asking for forgiveness and for God to enter my heart.
Okay, this is painful and almost embarassing. Normally I avoid her at all costs, but today is my birthday and my husband is at work (we are going out later.) I made the mistake of opening an email from her and sure enough- it is all about how I need God in my heart.
I know rationally it has to do with her avoiding any responsibility of what she has done to me and my sisters - but I don't know how to feel better emotionally right now. Using God is a way for her to have power over me, and feel like she is better than I am. It is her one-up and her way to avoid responsibility. If I say I do not like her speaking to me about those things, she will look at me with contempt and say "you don't like God? You are so lost. I will pray for you." (Just one example of many.) "You need God, that is what is wrong with you, that is what is missing."
Nothing is wrong with me, and my personal belief, between me and "God" is that if there is a God, he understands the torture I have been through and is already "in my heart."
How do I find the strength not to open those emails, and to feel better about this? It is just really horrible psychological torture and I do not know what to do. Never speak to her again? That is what I want. But she will act like she doesnt get it and iike I am just a bad person. I guess she won't get it even if I try to talk to her- because she doesn't want to...
She is purposefully manipulative and loves power. There is nothing wrong with my life, rather- there are lots of things wrong with hers. I think this is her way to pass things off on me. But it really does hurt me and I want to move forward in my own life. How do you get away from a relative? Sigh. Can anyone give me any advice?