- 3 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
Having a bit of a crap day. My mum was taken into hospital yesterday (She has severe MS, is bed-bound, is losing the use of her arms) with pneumonia. She’s had it once before and was in intensive care with the Dr asking us and her about her ‘wishes’ should things decline… it was a really really horrible place to be but thankfully she pulled through. So this time, I’m glad they’ve caught it early and she’s just in a regular ward being treated with IV antibiotics.
Mum has had MS for about 25 years. Me and my brothers were young when she was diagnosed. I barely remember her not walking with canes or being in a wheelchair. She fought it with everything she had, but the last few years she’s really gone downhill. I live 500 miles away because I have a really good job. I travel home when I can but it’s not frequently. Mum and I speak on the phone a couple of times a week or more. I miss not seeing her often.
She lives with my brother, who has lived there for about 4 years. He’s done an amazing job and although she has a team of carers who come in several times a day, they don’t actually have enough time to do everything that needs to be done, so my brother picks up the slack while holding down a full time job and trying to have some sort of social life. He needs to have a break, and has decided he wants to go to Australia for a couple of years to spread his wings and have some new experiences.
It’s clear mum can’t live on her own so we’ve been talking the last couple of years about her moving up to live with us. My brother will be leaving imminently so we’ve started sorting things out for mum to come up to us (we have accommodations that will suit her and her equipment). So this recent illness has come at a really bad time (there’s never a ‘good’ time but you know what I mean!)
The main problem with all of our plans: my grandmother. She is an incredibly bitter and angry lady and takes personal offense at the fact I want mum to come up to live with us (‘Ive been looking after her for years without any help from you’ (not true in the slightest but you get the idea)). She’s always making comments to my mum like ‘you’ll never survive up there’ and ‘Corgi-cariad will just leave you alone, you won’t have any friends’, which my mum knows aren’t true but it just causes upset for my mum. ‘You’ll never see me again’ is a more recent one, although mum isn’t bothered about that!!
So mum was admitted last night and my brother comes home to find a note that she’s gone in. My grandmother turns up an hour or so later to tell him what happened (he doesn’t have a car so was stuck in the house twiddling his thumbs) and then started with a barrage of crap at him: ‘you’re mother is dying, and you’re leaving her (to go to Australia)’ ‘if you go away you’ll never see her again’ ‘you’ve been nothing but a pain since you moved here’ ‘you’ve made your mother worse’. He called me as she left in absolute floods of tears. He’s thinking about postponing his trip now, but until when? I told him he has to go. Mum would hate to know that he’d rescheduled and cancelled for her. I just cannot get over how horrible my grandmother was to him. Who says that to the child of a seriously ill parent?? It’s not like it’s the first time either.
So I called her later that evening once I’d calmed him and myself down and then I got the barrage of abuse: ‘I don’t know why you are forcing your mother to move. She’s comfortable here, she likes it here, you’ll kill her!’. Firstly, mum has no quality of life there, she says it herself. She dislikes my grandmother INTENSLY. My grandmother has said in the past that my mum needs to go into a home. But then if I bring that up with her the response is ‘no I didn’t, you are lying!’. Basically it’s impossible to have a sensible conversation with this woman because it escalates into a very personal and emotional attack.
Fingers crossed and touch wood that mum gets over this pneumonia, but it is completely DRAINING having this incredibly negative person around, making comments, causing upset and generally making people miserable. I’ve honestly tried having a normal conversation with her, but its literally impossible. She contradicts herself at every turn. I guess I just cannot understand why she wants to keep a ‘hold’ on my mum even when mum’s told her A LOT about how miserable she is living there, how miserable my grandmother makes her (yes she’s told my grandmother that, but I think my grandmother filters it out) and how much she hate her own existance.
It’s a really horrible place to be right now. I want to give mum as much of a life as possible for the time she has left, but is moving her the right thing? FI is completely for this, knowing how important my mum is to me and he also wants to see her have some happiness and fun, which we can offer her. Yes it will be difficult, but that will be temporary. the main difficulty is actually my grandmother. Unfortunately she doesn’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon…
I don’t know what i’m looking for. Mainly a vent, an ability to get this all out, read it through and make sense of it. If anyone has anything to add or suggest, please do so 🙂