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I'm sorry. I know the pressure from our parents can be so tough. I think at some point, you have to say enough is enough. If you don't want to go to grad school, then don't do it. It's your life. You have to foot the bill. It will be hard to tell them no, but I promise if it's what you want to do...you will feel better about saying no in the long run.
BTW, my FI is an artist. He always says a good artist is constantly challenging him/herself. :)
I have similar issues, but mine aren't quite as extreme. I am finishing my PhD now, and my mom has this unrealistic expectation that I'm going to magically get a job at, like, an Ivy League or something and be some big shot professor interviewed on the History Channel every week, but she never really stops to talk to me about my own plans for my future (or even the realities of my job markey). She tells her friends all this stuff, and I always feel overwhelmed that there's no way these things are going to happen, nor is that the life I want.
I keep trying to focus on the life I do want and that my FI and I want. It's hard.
The wedding hasn't helped, either, because she has a vision for what she thinks I should want to wedding to be, and she wants to give me that, but that isn't what we want. It's what we're getting, though, and we're having to cover a lot of the costs.
@MrsBlueSeptember: Thanks for the sweet and encouraging words :) I think you are right, and that is exactly how I feel. And I think a move might be good for me, and then I can feel a little more free, and then decide.
@cbee: I think you just have to make a decision as to what you want to do in the future. I just mentioned this to my FI. He said that if you want to teach, an MFA would be necessary, but if you want to be a studio artist...you don't need it. He went to grad school, but he didn't apply to any. He was actually invited to come to a school in SD. He figured he would teach art after he graduated. He still had to pay for grad school and is STILL paying for it!
@brenda.m.fields: Yes! I can totally relate. I went to a school for an Associate's in jewelry several years ago and she said "I have to be the best jeweler in the country" (hello!) otherwise "I was just some girl who went to jewelry school." GEEZE!
Weddings definitely bring these things to a head as well! I ended up trying to do what they wanted, then did my own thing last minute and canceled ours. Boy I am glad that is past, but I hope the best for yours. I definitely know how you are feeling.
Yeah, it is tough to stand up to them... but as far as life goes- I guess doing that for ourselves is worth it.
@MrsBlueSeptember: Oh wow. Is he teaching? I know I want to be a studio artist 100%! At the same time, I feel like I need that MFA as a backup in case I need to teach. It is all so stressful! Plus, with DH figured in, it becomes difficult to figure out how to make things work for both of us... as far as jobs, residency, etc.
@cbee: Nope. He is not teaching. That is what he originally planned to do. If he had decided to stay in SD, he would have been offered a teaching job. Instead, he and his family (he was married at the time) moved to the east coast to be closer to his dad. Where we live, you have to know someone to get a good job teaching at a university. He applied for a lot of positions. He almost got a job at an the Boston Museum of Fine Arts and was passed over for someone who was already a student there. He tried for a long time to make a career with art. He was even a tattoo artist for 3 years, which he loved, because it was a challenge to learn something new. It was just hard for him to make money with that, because when it's slow and there are no customers, you don't get paid. So right now, he works in insurance. LOL He'd rather be doing what he loves, but he has 2 children to support and it pays the bills. It would have been easier for him to continue pursuing a career in arts if he was single. He doesn't regret leaving SD, because if he hadn't followed the path he chose in life, we would have never met. :)
I also want to add I totally understand what you're talking about with your parents. I swear you described mine. My mom is very critical of her children and what we've chosen to do in life, yet she's addicted to pain pills and used to drink a lot. She has nothing to show for herself in life, but is the first person to point out what we are doing wrong. So yeah, I get it. It totally sucks, because you just want to say "hey...what about YOU?"
I would honestly go to a really good therapist for coping tools for getting past parental expectations. I have a lot of the same family issues that you do , and it has helped me tremendously! Once you really understand abuse dynamics and how that drives people into specific roles through generations (your grandparents, parents, and you and your siblings), it's so much easier to be able to take a step back and look at the dynamics of a disagreement and see what's really happening...and then to diffuse it.
Ultimately, you have to just suck it up and do what's best for you, and live your life.
@MrsBlueSeptember: It is so hard to make a life in the arts, isn't it? Your FI reminds me of DH, he has done lots of different things; screenprinting/ illustrating for a tshirt business, drawing tattoos, photo editing. Now he works in insurance too! :) He is thinking about getting a nursing degree. It is tough to find teaching jobs at University; the head of my department told me he applied for 50 jobs, got one job. He always says in this line of work it is the successes that matter. What you said about your mom reminds me a lot of my parents! It is exactly like that with my them. When they say they "want this, this, and this out of their children" I never turn and say, "Oh, well, it would be nice to have this, this, and this out of my parents!"
@crayfish: Thanks for the advice, I wonder how to find a good therapist... a really good one. Yes, ultimately I do have to suck it up and do what is best for me. That is really true. I look forward to my move and I think that will help me decide. Either way, I'll never stop working and improving my craft. I would like to understand more about abuse and roles like your mentioned. I have been able to help DH so much, but I still struggle with my own situation when it comes to family dynamics. If I am going to be in contact with them, I have to learn to cope. They are all extremely difficult.
I think there came a time in my life where I respected my parents opinions but didn't let it stress me out if they didn't agree with my life choices. Clearly, I prefer to have their support and blessings for the things I do. Ultimately, they probably just are doing this out of a desire for you to have a better life.
@brenda.m.fields: Ha, yeah, people do not understand how it works AT ALL. I'm finishing my PhD in history as well, and I've had to explain to my dad that no, I am unlikely to get a job teaching at Princeton. lol. I dipped my toe in the market this year for the first time, and I think it helped him realize what the situation actually was when I showed him the letter that said, "Thank you for your application. We are currently reviewing the 350 applications we received for this position, and we will contact you as soon as possible."
@cbee: Do not go to grad school unless you are absolutely, totally, 100% sure it's what you want to do. It will not be worth it, financially or professionally. If it helps, my best friend is an artist. We graduated from college 10 years ago. She's spent that time living, working, building her portfolio, and she just this year felt ready to apply for the MFA program at Chicago that she wants. She has an interview next month, and although I don't know, I suspect she will be accepted. And it's because she is really and truly ready.
Edited to clarify: I don't mean that grad school is never worth it; only that it's not worth it until you are sure it's the best next step for you.
@Miss Orchard: That may be true, in regards to my Dad, but I think it is also born out of his insecurity. He wants "his kids to be the best." With my mother it is extremely complicated. When I said I wanted to get a MFA a few years ago she remarked, "you'll have a baby before that happens!" She is quite the mind"F"er, so-to-say.
I am sure there are many parents, however, who do this out of good intentions.
@mightywombat: That is why it is so confusing! My department head told me not to go until I am "there," (with my work), so I have spent years getting "there." Now that I feel I am "there," I am not sure why I would need to go to school (?) It is a real headache. I didn't get a BFA, I studied literature and forestry, so I have felt that I have had to work even harder to get "there," but now that I am... yeah. You get the idea :) I agree though, I don't know that I should until and unless I am 100% into it.
@cbee: Do you have anyone in your field who you could talk to about the pros and cons? My impression is that there are two main reasons to get an MFA: 1) to deepen and improve your work in collaboration with other artists; 2) to develop technical skills that you don't yet have; 3) to get the necessary piece of paper that would allow you to teach, particularly at the college level. But I am not an artist, so my thoughts are worth exactly what you're paying for them. :)
@cbee: I kinda understand what your feeling. I have my BA as well did a semester of grad school and hated it. Basicly flunked out lol. Got my teaching assiatnt certification and started working in speical education. I love it. Last year I started my own soap buiness online. I dont make alot of money but i have benfits and a 401K. But still that expectation was there. Listen if you love what you do and your happy thats all that really matters. :) Sorry if thats really cheesey.
@HilaryT: Thanks for sharing. I think I will just have to figure things out as they come, and not try to "plan" everything so much! It is tough though, I want so much out of life! Sometimes I guess we just have to feel it out and do what is best for us. :) I know I'll make the right decision. And if I don't, at least I will know. I guess I have to just do the best I can. That's how we learn! I know what I want to do, so however the path goes to be able to do it, we shall see!
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Do you have difficult parents? I guess I could use some words of encouragement or advice. I have parents that put unrealistic expectations on me my entire life without the support to meet them. (Example: "I want all of my children to have a professional degree (master's)" - but of course they never contributed to college, so I am already facing a lot of debt (I have a BA and am stressing about whether I should continue for an MFA).)
I think my dad does it out of insecurity. He has a lot of problems and his life didn't go how he wanted it too (massive debt, no teeth -that seems random but I am just trying to paint the picture-, health problems, his license was revoked so he is not working, I could go on...)
I think my mother does it out of jealousy and wanting to control me (that might sound out there, but she is out there! She had abusive parents from what I can tell and I think she has an abusive streak in her that makes her want to hurt people -my sister has had mental breakdowns and has been hospitalized, one of my mother's husbands killed himself -again, just trying to paint the picture-). She would consistently set unrealistic expectations -like we would be punished emotionally and physcially if the sink wasn't shiny enough after the dishes were done- and that is just an example, but it is like that with everything. She makes me feel I am not good enough as a way to control me, I think. Maybe so that I will not be what she considers more of a success?
Anyway, all the pressure about Graduate School is getting to me, and I also live near my dad right now and feel pressured to take care of him (he is on house-arrest and has medical and other problems galore!). So, lately I have been thinking a lot about moving...
Thank you for reading this! I really need some support I guess. Maybe I should relocate, do some soul searching, and then decide about school. I am just really feeling stressed lately and a lot of pressure. I am a working artist, and in a way it is a life where I always feel the need to improve... so right now I feel a lot of pressure to get ready to apply, have good enough work for applications... it is a lot of stress.
I just don't know if I should listen to them, or if I even want to go, or if I can afford it. Thanks again, for any advice you might have.