Post # 1
FI and I are good friends with another couple. They too are engaged so her and I went for lunch this past weekend to talk about our respective wedding planning. Over lunch she let it slip that she has secretly stopped taking her birth control because she wants a baby so badly. Uh, needless to say, I was SHOCKED! I told her that I thought that it seemed kind of devious and that I thought she should definitely have a conversation with her FI about it. I left it at that, not wanting to get too involved.
Problem is, I feel so guilty for even knowing and keep thinking I should try to bring it up with her again. I talked to FI about it and he thinks I should just leave it. His reasoning is that they are getting married anyways, would probably have children in the next few years at any rate and that it could drive a wedge between us and what truly are some of our best friends.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t help but feel like this is an awful way to begin a marriage, but at the same time I feel like it is truly none of my business. I wish she just had never told me. What do you Bees think? Is this normal or acceptable under certain circumstances? I thought shit like this only happened on The Hills! Lol. Advice and or insight would be much appreciated!
Post # 3
It may be a bad way to start a marriage, but I don’t think you should get involved. You’ve already talked to her and told her how you feel about it. If she wants to mess things up, that’s up to her!
Post # 4
I would say to stay out of it. It isn’t right for her to be dishonest with her fiance like that but it isn’t your place to get involved either. And maybe it’s possible she already talked to her fiance about having children and he wants to as well? Maybe her stopping her BC might not be known to him but if they both agree to having children it may not be a bad thing in the end. Like your fiance said they are getting married and many married couples choose having children as a next milestone anyway.
Post # 5
Ooh, that’s not good….
I don’t think it’s your business to tell her FI, but I would talk to her more in depth about the issue (if they’re some of your closest friends, you should be able to do that without being too nosy). The problem is less that she might get pregnant (some couples are ok with getting pregnant before they’re married) and more the fact that she’s doing it “secretly”. Children are a big decision and one that should be made with your spouse/future spouse, not on your own if you want one. Do you know how her FI feels about having kids right now? I would suggest that she talk it over with her FI and see where he’s at with it, if she hasn’t already. Suggest that it could be a big deal if she gets pregnant and he finds out. She may have to decide if she wants a baby or her husband more, because something like this (especially the dishonesty part) could seriously drive a wedge between her and her FI.
Post # 6
Okay, I’ve known 3 girls that have done this, I’ve kept my mouth shut whenI knew and it was disasterous! All 3 couples broke up, one girl got an abortion, one put the kid up for adoption, and the other kept the baby but couldn’t afford anything and moved in with her parents (ages were 22, 23, 25)…
I suggest you talk it over with her and in worst case senerio, tell her FI! This isn’t a joke and will consiquently hurt the baby, so if she really want’s one, then she’ll wait. And if she really does love her FI and herself she would lie like that.
Whenever a woman does this, it sickens me…
Post # 7
Yea, I’d say talk to her a bit more, if she’s confided in you, then you have a right to try and reason with her. If you just “found out randomly” I’d say it was none of your business, but she brought it up.
Altnernately, you HAVE already told her how you feel, so, you could just stay out of it, if that’s what you’d prefer.
8 years ago, my brothers ex-girlfriends did this, and ended up pregnant. oops! Would never ever want to un-do my nephew, but it was really not the way to go about doing things. If I would have known, I probably would have told her or him or something!
Post # 7
If she truly is one of your best friends I see nothing wrong in voicing your opinion with her. I don’t think you should say anything to her fi, but expressing the fact that you are concerned with her starting her marriage while lying to her fiance isn’t overstepping with your best friend.
ETA – if any of my close friends told me something like this, I would smack them upside the head and ask them what they’ve been smoking. If I found out randomly, I would still bring it up to them. I would never just go and say something to their SO though.
Post # 8
There’s really nothing to say-it’s her bad choice. But it’s really shitty that she told you that in the first place because it will permanently altered the friendship and yes, now you will feel weird every time you get together. And it will be even worse if/when she gets pregnant. Why can’t people just STFU these days and not bring everyone else into their drama???
Post # 9
@PutABirdOnIt: Amen. Ignorance really would be bliss on this one!
Thanks for the responses ladies. Seems like I need to go work out and mull this over for a bit.
Post # 10
While she is 100% utterly in the wrong for stopping birth control behind her husband’s back, it is also not your place to get involved in their business.
@MandaMack: “if any of my close friends told me something like this, I would smack them upside the head and ask them what they’ve been smoking.”
Post # 11
I think that this is a truly terrible way to start a marriage. If she does get pregnant, she’s either going to have to come clean that she tried to make a serious life decision without his input, or continue deceiving him for the rest of their lives together. There’s no way it ends well.
I don’t think it’s right to out here, but now that she’s told you, I think you need to at least talk to her seriously about what she’s doing and what the ramifications of her actions could be. If she really, really wants children as soon as possible, she needs to let her fiance know this. It’s not your job to let him know, but as her friend you should at least try to talk her through this decision before she destroys her future marriage.
Post # 12
It’s a sticky situation, but I would talk with her more about it and also stay out of it. She has to own up to her fiance about what’s she’s done. She’s made that decision and has to take responsibility for it. I would hate to be the fiance that learns through friends that she’s off bc. It puts you in a very bad, uncomfortable place with that friendship. I wouldn’t expect the friendship to survive after doing something like that. As much as I would love to stop bc sooner than we’re planning on it, I won’t because I respect my husband’s wishes and timeline.
Post # 13
I would ask her why she doesn’t respect her husband. I would make this less about the bc and child and more about deception and not negoitating with the man she says she loves.
Post # 14
That’s no good that’s for sure. But, telling her FI would be bad news, however, if she’s really a close friend you should be asking her what the crap she’s doing. There is little chance that will end good for the relationship, esp if he thinks she’s taking it and then all of a sudden she’s pregnant?? He’s probably not going to buy that it just didn’t work…but that would depend on him too I guess.
Post # 15
I would definitely talk to her more about it. Ask her how she would feel if her FI went behind her back and did something, how would that make her feel? Since she told you, you have every right to tell her that its wrong to do this, and start a marraige with deception