Post # 1
ok – so here’s the thing…i am very close with my mom. we share everything and probably a little too much (according to my husband). I really HAVE been trying to “keep” things from her in terms of his and mine relationship as I know he doesn’t like me telling her every little detail. I get that – I am trying to respect that. There are certain things I shouldn’t tell my mom – and those things I DON’T tell her.
however then there are times such as today…she and I had plans to go dressing shopping for her dress for the wedding the day after my bridal shower. well – last night my husband decided to make different plans for that day – after he called the boyfriend of one of my bridesmaids to ask if he wanted to be an usher in our wedding. after he said yes – they started talking about baseball and how our favorite team is opening up at a stadium close to us that weekend. so he asked me if we can go that sunday – even though I told him I had plans with my mother that day…I told him, “ok i’ll cancel plans with her and we can go”.
so I called her this afternoon to do that – and told her why. i told her that we are going to a baseball game (yes, selfish on our part, I know). but she was cool with that and then – not thinking (this is where I admit I was wrong) I said I’ll ask if it’d be ok for you to come with – since she’d already be here for the shower (it’s a 2.5 hour drive from her house). So I texted Darling Husband and he didn’t want her to go – and got mad at me for “telling her every little detail of our life”.
um – what? sorry – but c’mon I’m not going to cancel plans I have with my mother who’s here from out of town and NOT tell her WHY!
again, granted, i admit I was wrong for inviting her without asking him first and yes, I had to un-invite her. that was my fault. I apologized. BUT really – was I WRONG for telling her WHY I was canceling plans? he says I should have been “as vague as possible and less specific”…
i mean really – should I have NOT told my mother and “lied” to her as to why I was canceling plans? granted – again – i admit i was wrong for inviting her – and I uninvited her. and also – i know he thinks i tell her too much and believe me guys, I have stopped telling her a LOT of stuff. I get that he’s just upset because in the past I have told her some things I shouldn’t have (not intimate things, just things he doesn’t want broadcast) – and again I’ve stopped doing that. but in this specific instance – should I have lied to my mom?
Post # 3
Um no. IMO, it’d be rude to NOT invite your mom!!! I wouldn’t get mad at Darling Husband for doing that…I think it’s perfectly reasonable since you cancelled plans with her for him.
Sometimes I don’t think guys get how close daughters can be with their moms. I have a VERY close relationship with my mom. A lot of things I don’t tell her (personal stuff, etc) but she does ask personal questions–she knows about my endo and will occassionally ask questions out of concern. If she asks someone that’s not her business, I tell her and she’s gotten to the point she realizes it’s right for me NOT to tell her some things. It’s like when Darling Husband tells his friend lots of stupid little things….it’s the same, to me, right? You gotta have someone. I also wonder…maybe your Fiance is a little jealous? Not in a bad way….but I totally get that since sometimes Darling Husband is all buddy buddy with his friends and we aren’t always like that together and somretimes they talk about things Darling Husband won’t talk to me about. Usually stupid stuff like who’d win in a fight: vampires or werewolves? but still…if it catches me in the wrong mood, I can get sensitive about it.
No you shouldn’t have lied to your mom. I think you should reinvite her to the game, too! It’s a 2.5 hour drive for her!
Post # 4
I think in this specific situation you were right and should not have lied to your mom. However, putting it in context of the ongoing issue (you telling your mom everything), I can see why he would be upset. Rationally, I think he would agree with you, but his opinions are affected by his annoyance at a pattern of behavior rather than this specific event.
Post # 5
I’m pretty much with you on this. In this scenario, I think it was fine to tell her why you wanted to cancel. I don’t think that there is any injustice to your Fiance this way. And it sounds like your mom is pretty cool.
I also agree with your assessment that you shouldn’t have invited her, with the stipulation that you’d check with Fiance. Then she knows you want her to go, and if she doesn’t get the nod it’s because of Fiance. Now it comes across like he’s the bad guy for not wanting her to go. It would have been OK to talk to Fi about it first, and then invite her.
When he said you should tell her less stuff, I was thinking intimacy, or other personal things about him (toenail fungus? screwed up at work? etc.) But mentioning that you’re going to a ball game seems relatively benign. If you can’t say that, what can you say?
My guess is he hasn’t really addressed what is really bothering him. While you have a good relationship with her, does she maybe seem smothering or controlling to him? Does he simply want to have you to himself more often? Does the information you’ve shared in the past, make him feel a break of trust that you have to earn back? Maybe the situation with the game was mostly about the part where you invited her. But could it be the just by mentioning things that seem innocent, somehow they usually get twisted into something personal being revealed, or an awkward invitation being offered?
Good luck, but again, I’d have another discussion about what specifically bothers him.
Post # 6
i agree – as i mentioned, i know it’s the ongoing issue with him that he thinks i tell her too much. again – i get that and I realllllly have been working at NOT telling her everything (again, nothing intimate but more just stuff about finances – a big thing with dh – which i HAVE stopped doing – or stuff about what we’re doing to the house – putting in windows, doing our kitchen, etc (which goes back to the finances thing…)
i know he and his parents DO NOT have a close relationship AT ALL. he honestly barely even spoke to his family for a while before he and I met. my mother and I speak to each other every day if not 3 – 4 times a day. he’s always been extremely independent of his family and me pretty much the opposite – I’ve depended on my mom for everything – she’s my rock. she truly is one of my best friends – AND not just throwing this in…but I have a few friends – INCLUDING my husband – who’s moms have passed away and so I ALWAYS do think about that…
DH’s real mom died when he was 8. my MOH’s mom died only a few years ago (like a year before her wedding) and two close work friends of mine – their mothers passed away as well. I never really have brought that up to him – but this is just ANOTHER reason why I like to include my mom in on my life. I can’t even imagine having to deal with that and I know the day will come when I have to – so yes, my mother and I are VERY close.
again – i admit when i’m wrong in what actions I did. BUT c’mon. he’s mad at me because I told her exactly what we were doing in order to have to cancel plans with her! that makes me angry that he expects me to think before I say anything and figure out a way to be “vague” about WHY i’m canceling plans. sorry no.
and yes – he didn’t want to look like the jerk for un-inviting her – and i promised him he wasn’t – it was more ME looking like one for having invited her in the first place then turning around and saying “nope, sorry you can’t come”. I told her it was the four of us and probably should just be the four of us (him, me, bridesmaid, her bf). and that’s what I said. yes I told her it was after having talked to him about it – so yeah i’m sure it looks like he’s the bad buy – but my mom’s fine with it.
sorry it just makes me angry because i am admitting to being wrong – yet he wants to push it further and make me feel even worse and tell me to lie to her?
thanks for the responses guys. 🙂
Post # 7
I can understand not wanting you to discuss finances. My husband doens’t wnat me sharing things like our income with my mom. (I can appreciate that.) BUt not being able to tell her you’re doing some remodeling? That’s a little steep.
Maybe you should talk to him about wanting to keep her close because you never know when she won’t be there anymore… And ask him, what topics does he think are OK? She is afterall, your mom. You should be able to talk to her about your life. “Ummm…can’t really say,” for every answer isn’t going to fly.