NWR: SO has a hobby that consumes his life?!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
6335 posts
Bee Keeper

Maybe you can talk with him about your concerns. FI has some hobbies he’s passionate about. I want him to have his fun, but I think he’s also cut back a bit because he also likes hanging out with me. I do try to be involved with his interests a little bit to show my support. 

Could it just be a seasonal surge in his hobby? I would think once hunting season is over, he will be back to his regular schedule.

Post # 3
Member
809 posts
Busy bee

If it’s deer I’d like some jerky please! 

But on a more serious note, it’s one thing to enjoy doing something, especially if you can only do it certain times of the year, but it’s a whole other thing to let it consume you. Have you told him your fine with his hobby, but not that it’s starting to impact your relationship?

Post # 4
Member
5026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

MissNC:  “he said “Get use to this for the rest of our lives. I love hunting and if you don’t like then I don’t know what to tell you”  …. Well… He’s probably telling the truth here. Sorry to say. Can you live with it for the rest of your life?

Post # 5
Member
6854 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

MissNC:  individual hobbies are great for keeping good boundaries, but his attitude is disconcerting, “Get use to this for the rest of our lives. I love hunting and if you don’t like then I don’t know what to tell you.”

no. He should be willing to hear you out and see if there is a way you can make this work for both of you. 

Post # 6
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

People are allowed to have all consuming hobbies. He wants to have his hobby and he’s already explained that this is a very important part of his life to him, judging from the “get used to this” talk. Everyone has something they wont budge on and this seems to be his. 

But, you’re also completely allowed to not be okay with it. However, there’s only so many options from here. 

1. Learn to enjoy hunting too. Go with him sometimes. Find a sweet median spot where both of you can spend time together and enjoy the hobby. 

2. Take up a hobby that compliments your SO’s hobby. Bird watching. Fishing. Skeet shooting. Gun collecting. Flower pressing. Pot pouri gathering. Taxidermy (lol)- whatever it is find something you could enjoy together with him and his buddies. Make it us time instead of him time. 

3. Accept he loves hunting and you don’t and 100% accept he’s going to spend lots of time on it, so find something to do so you don’t resent the time he spends on his hobby. Find your own hobby that is equally as consuming and enjoy that while he’s out hunting. 

4. Set some “boundaries” with your SO.  I mean, deer season or elk season or rabbit seasons… Each one only lasts for a short amount of time. Maybe you could ask him to pick two favorite animals and have a carte blanche on hunting but only during those open seasons? 

5. Find someone who’s views on this sort of hobby align with yours. Most likely wont be your SO but sometimes that’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. 

Do you want to be the one to compromise fully? Will your SO “bend” at least a small bit in this regard and only go hunting every other weekend or only hunt one type of animal? Would it be a deal breaker if he didn’t? 

Overall just talk to your SO about how much this is bugging you- but know yourself well enough to figure out what you want from the conversation. For him to give up hunting? For you to be included on his hunting trips? For some sort of inbetween? And know what your SO is wanting too. Hopefully they’ll mesh up enough to work it out 🙂 

 

Post # 7
Member
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I would think once hunting season is over, he will be back to his regular schedule.

I wouldn’t count on it unless he only hunts one or two types of animal each year.  It’s hunting season for some animal or another for a good portion of the year.  Growing up, my friend’s dad was a huge hunter, and was frequently traveling around the country to hunt, all depending on open season.  He missed birthdays and anniversaries….my friend refuses to date anyone who hunts, and I’m guessing that’s a big part of why.  

Granted, I know not all hunters are this way, but the fact that’s he’s already telling her to “get used to it” is extremely concerning, and indicates this “hobby” is only going to take up more of his time, not less.

Post # 8
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016 - Rosewater Room

j.gar89:  +1,000,000. Bang on for every single point you made.

OP – what about the rest of the hunting group’s SO’s? Are they in your age range? Maybe try to get the group together so that while the guys go hunting, some of the girls can hang out and when the guys get back to just hang out, its not just you, its a bunch of the other SO’s? 

Post # 9
Member
5103 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would try to find a compromise.  Have a discussion with him see if he’ll agree to trying out something new.  Maybe you can try hunting with him a little and he can commit to spending x date nights per week with you, no hunting involved.

Failing that, I would consider leaving the relationship (assuming you are not married).  He’s made a clear statement, “get used to this for the rest of our lives.”  I wouldn’t want a partner for the rest of my life who’s incapable of compromise.

Post # 10
Member
5521 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Go sit in a stand with him! Depending on what he is hunting,  it can be pretty cool to just sit and watch the nature. I totally get where you are coming from, DH’so love of hunting evolved from target shooting a .22 at a range to our own deer lease with multiple stands, multiple feeders (legal in our state!) A bow,  a none too small arsenal of guns that apparently all serve very differenr purpises and no free weekends fromy Oct to February or whenever it is deer season ends. But I accepted it was important to and I could deal for a few months. But that was my decision.  I bought myself a pink lined camouflage coat and freeze my butt off before the sun with him. And it works for us. But some people it wouldn’t. I think this needs to be a discussion because all it seems to be doing now is breeding resentment both ways.  You don’t get why he wants to be so consumed with everything hunting and he doesn’t get why you don’t. There has to be give and take in a relationship and you must decide what you are willing to compromise on and what is non negotiable for you. And he has to be willing to comorose too. What that looks like though is up to you

Post # 11
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Maybe it’s his way of saying he’s just not that into you.

Post # 12
Hostess
14997 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Hunting season is a few months a year and this is a normal thing with hunters. It’s part of who he is. He’s right, he’s not going to change that and you have to decide if loosing that time with him is worth giving him up completely. You could choose the third option of learning to hunt that a PP mentioned, which, imo, is a great choice. There is a great program offered in 36 States called BOW (Becoming an Outdoors Woman). It teaches all sorts of outdoor activities including gun handling, hunting, fishing, camping, etc…. I went on their weekend woman’s retreat and had an absolute blast. Plus, it’s dirt cheap for everything they do and provide. DH and I both hunt. We’ve hunted together and separate. I’ve just joined a hunting club for women and I hunt way more than DH does. 

Post # 13
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

MissNC:  My FI is also an avid hunter and he spends lots of time away. I am a comp shooter, but don’t enjoy the hunting aspect So I dont get involved with it. He is away for quite a few weekends during deer season and use lots of his spare time with his hunting buddies and cutting up meat etc. it used to irritate me and I explained to him over a few drinks one night I was feeling neglected and although I didn’t mind his hobby, I did mind being ignored. His response was not to tell me to get used to it, he has made it a priority now to do something nice with/for me. your SO having a a hobby is perfectly acceptable. Neglecting and ignoring your relationship is not. I would try and work out a compromise and make it cler that you don’t mind his hobby, but he needs to make time for you too. 

Post # 14
Member
1529 posts
Bumble bee

j.gar89:  +1. I’m secretly hoping OP becomes an avid taxidermist 

Post # 15
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

OMG some of these comments are priceless lol! 

OP, you knew from the beginning how big of a role hunting played in his life. Is he still there for you when you need him? Is he a good provider? If so you should cut him some slack. It’s a pretty harmless hobby for a man to have (for the animals not so much 😉

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