Post # 1
I need advice. I’ll try to keep it short.
DH is extremely warm hearted and generous. He is constantly trying to do things to make people happy, especially his family. This is one thing that I love SO much about him.
For his dad’s birthday, DH planned a weekend trip for his entire family. He began planning in January, got hotel rooms, baseball tickets, made dinner reservations, the whole deal for us, his parents, and his sister and her boyfriend. They told his dad 2 weeks ago about the surprise trip and FIL was excited. DH got so much pride hearing FIL tell family and friends about the trip his son planned. It was wonderful!
Fast forward to Wednesday, FIL calls my DH and says “I checked the weather, it’s supposed to be cold and rainy. I think we shoudl cancel the trip.” DH was absolutly deflated, and I was PISSED! We were able to get most of the money back except for the baseball tickets, but WHAT PARENT CANCELS THE BIRTHDAY TRIP THAT THEIR CHILD PLANNED BECAUSE OF WEATHER?? GET AN F-ING SWEATSHIRT AND SHUT THE H-LL UP!
I just want to scream at them for taking their son for granted and for discouraging him from being such a wonderful son and person (this is not the first time they have crapped all over something nice DH was trying to do for them).
So the immediate issue I’m not having is that FIL told DH that he still wants to go out to dinner on Saturday for his birthday. We are also celebrating on Wednesday, his actual birthday. I don’t even want to look at this man right now. Normally we have a great relationship and deep down I know he’s a good person, but I am so upset with him (and DH’s mom for not stopping his dad from calling in the first place). I want to say “you had your chance to celebrate this weekend with us and you cancelled, so we’ll just see you Wednesday”.
Am I wrong to be angry? DH is playing it off like it’s no big deal but I can tell deep down that he is hurt but wants to avoid drama. What should I do about this weekend? I’m not good at hiding my emotion. When I’m pissed, I can’t plaster on a smile and act like nothing’s bothering me. HELP!
Post # 3
You’re not wrong to be angry. That really is a Shi$$y thing to do and I would be furious. My DH had a situation with his parents where whatever present he bught them, even if they picked it out specifically, they ended up complaining about it and how unlike their style it was. The last thing was a lightstand. DH pciked it up, put it into the car, took it back to the shop, picked out something else and we now have it in our living room.
Instead of loosing the money for the tickets, why don’t you an DH go, jsut the two of you. Tell FIL, that, sorry, as much as you would love to go, you thought it was silly to waste the tickets that had been paid for and decided to go yourselves.
Post # 4
@Cariad: Thank you for the advice. I asked DH about this several times. The fact is, if we went, it would still end up costing us over $500 for gas, hotel, meals…etc plus the $150 that we are already out for the tickets. We are going on a trip to Europe in 3 weeks, and we really don’t need to get away or spend the money just for us. He would rather just cut his losses and stay home, especially because the weekend has already been tainted.
Post # 5
You should be pissed! Your DH should be pissed. What friggin hurtful thing for FIL. I’d start doing what @Cariad’s DH started doing. Sounds like no pleasing DH’s parents.
I’d put the tickets on stub hub or craigslist, you could recoup some of the money. I know DH gets Basketball tickets on those sites all the time last minute.
Post # 6
I would be devastated and angry if I was in this situation. Your DH and no one else can help the weather. Things happen. Just have to make the best of it and it’s unfortunate they didn’t even give it a chance.
Post # 7
Oh wow. I would be furious if this were me. I agree with HisIrishPrincess I’d throw the tickets online and try to recoup some of the money. As for Saturday dinner, if you guys are going out with FIL on his birthday (Wednesday) I’d probably pass on Saturday. I’m in the same boat in that I can’t hide my emotions very well and if I’m pissed at someone they generally know it. I’d probably just say “since you guys cancelled the trip we made other plans. We’ll see you Wednesday though.”
Post # 8
Bump – I could really use some more advice on how to deal with my ILs…..
Post # 9
I’m also in the camp of “sell the tickets”.
As ridic as this sounds, my parents have a somewhat severe obsession with the weather and I could have seen them doing something similar to this. My dad even has a wind-up radio that he listens to and it only gives the weather, over and over again. He obsesses over rain and snow….”everybody hunker down!”.
Not that I was much help, but I thought it was worth a laugh!
Post # 10
That’s so crappy! I would be sooo pissed. I agree with trying to sell the tickets. I’m sorry he’s seemingly ungrateful. He probably doesn’t realise how much organising it took.
You probably don’t want to hear this but…: We gave my grandad tickets to the snooker (okay it’s indoors) for his 90th. He still managed to travel 6 hours away. Stay in a hotel (something he never does because he loves his bed too much). And have to walk everywhere (because the city we were in had no parking unless you were disabled), it was hilly too! He was just so pumped about the present. He loved it.
Post # 11
what??? who does that????
i’m not married yet, so i am may be speaking out of turn when it comes to in-laws, but if my future in-laws pulled this crap, I would be raging mad too!!
putting myself in this position, thinking about my particular future in-laws and the way they handle things in THAT family, i think i would swallow it down though and go to both events though, smiling face not required.
it sounds like your DH really doesnt want to make a big thing out of this, and even though its hurting him that FIL was so unbelievably rude and callous, i don’t know how much good it would do for anything to come from you. i think that DH would have to be the one to say something to his dad, otherwise you may come off as the bad guy (which you are totally not!!) trying to take his birthday thunder to yell about some trip he didnt want to take… seems like the best thing to do is keep being there for DH and keep reminding him you support him and that he did a truly great thing planning that trip. it could help give him what he needs to call his dad out on his own?
what is your relationship like with MIL? could you say something to her privately, after the birthday has blown over?
Post # 12
can understand where you are coming from – i think id feel the same too.
i think the only way your are going to resolve your feelings is to speak to him about it and let him know how you and DH are feeling.
Not that i think you should go round imediatley all guns blazing, but when you feel you could speak to him about it.
with the weekend, i would agree with that if you are going on the Weds, then try and enjoy the weekend with your DH.
Sorry, im not a great help!
Post # 13
I’m like you. I can try to pretend to be fine but when you’ve pissed me off, you know about it. I think your FIL was ridiculous for cancelling because of weather. You’re right, a sweatshirt & one of those handy devices called an UMBRELLA would have done the trick!
Do you think it could be that he didn’t want you guys spending so much money on them? We have that problem with our parents (both my mom and my IL’s). We’re generous gift givers and I think sometimes it makes them feel uncomfortable that we spend so much. I don’t think they’d ever cancel an event that we planned for them but they may feel bad about the money that was spent. Regardless, you have every right to be upset when you and your husband were just trying to do something nice for him and he shit all over it. I’d probably still go to dinner on Saturday just to keep the peace but I’d also slip in some snide remarks like “Wouldn’t it have been nice to see the game today! We sure did miss a good time.”
Post # 14
I would be PISSED too!!
I can relate to your point of view because things like this happen with my in-laws ALL THE TIME. DH is CONSTANTLY going so far out of his way to do nice things for them, help them out, and he gets NOTHING in return. No respect, no thanks, nothing. And canceling last minute on a trip like that totally sounds like something my FIL would do as well.
In the last year or so DH has just started backing away. Now that he is not the one putting himself out there, we hardly EVER see or even hear from them. Our life is actually so much more peaceful now. They’re his parents, and I know he loves them, but there’s a point where he had to just stop letting them take advantage of him.
((I know this may not be the same situation as yours, just wanted to let you know I can relate to in-laws that treat your DH badly!! I had no real advice but I’m so sorry that this happened to you guys and I hope you can find a way to work it all out.))
Post # 15
Thank you for all of the advice. I really will take it to heart. I will let DH decide how he wants to deal with Saturday and his parents in general. If anything, I will use this as a life lesson when DH and I have kids.
I may try to calmly address them sometime in the future and explain to them how much joy DH gets out of doing nice things for them and try to make them understand that if they just go with it instead of pushing back all the time, it would make everyone much happier. I really do think they have the best intentions, whether it’s money as CaitMarae suggested, or not wanting DH to go out of his way…etc, but really, they end up just leaving a bad taste all around when they are constantly turning him down.
Thanks for the advice, Bees!
Post # 16
No, you’re not wrong at all. I would be livid. If someone did that to me that would be the last thing I ever planned for them.