(Closed) NWR… Thinking about cutting my family out of my life.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4715 posts
Honey bee

Wow. That woman sounds like a nightmare. How much of this does your father know? 

Post # 4
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Have you tried talking to your dad?  probably not because you’re not allowed to be alone with him.  It sucks, but in order to protect your own heart and your own self you might have to cut him out.   My dad’s g/f is kind of like that.  I feel bad but you know what.. my dad is an adult this isn’t his first rodeo and if he can’t see what’s she’s doing to his children’s relationships with him, even AFTER we ALL had a sitdown talk with him, yes at my wedding, than there’s nothing that can be done.  Protect  yoruself.

Post # 6
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Dear God up in Heaven, seriously? *sigh*

My mother’s family are like your stepmother, since I am a “love-child” I was always treated differently, especially since I am a darker skin tone then they are it is quite noticable that I am different and they sure play that up. I stopped all contact with them once I turned 18 years old because my relationship with my mother’s family deteriated (sp?) beyond nothingness by that time. They were so sweet to my face, but once my back was turned they were quick to stick a knife in it. The pain tears you up doesn’t it? On one hand you could yell at your dad until you’re blue in the face because it feels like it is betrayal, and on the other hand you could give your step-mom a beat down that “Snapped” (An all women murder t.v. show) would do an episode on, but know you are better then that and it wouldn’t solve anything. 

What is important here is you know you are not what she says you are, your DH knows this, your dad knows this, the people who matter in your life know you are not a terrible, spoiled, slut. People who spread these kind of lies have something deeply wrong with themselves, that is not an insult to your step-mother it is the truth, ultimately you should pity her because of all of her emotional termoil she is going through must be eating her alive no matter how happy she seems that is just a mask. 

I hate playing games, I am not good at all that back stabbing stuff and trying to play nice in the sandbox when I know the person I am dealing with have been talking poorly about me. At the same time though I know if I were to confront them about it they have “plausable deniability” they can act innocent, pretend they have no idea what you are saying and make you look like a paranoid cry baby. These are sticky situations but there are ways to combat this. 

  • You can break her away from the group. Catch her when she is in the kitchen, or somewhere she is alone. Bring your DH along with you for a witness and tell her that she will knock off the back stabbing, hurtful lies and you will no longer tolerate it. She will be quick to try and cut you off and pretend like you are the crazy one, this is when you need to tell her to stop & listen to you now, then finish your piece. If she tries to say something again tell her you are done and walk out. Don’t give her the chance to talk. You do not need to raise your voice or be mean, just tell her you know what she is doing, you don’t appreciate it and she will knock it off, the end.
  • You can ignore all of her antics and be super happy instead. Laugh a little louder, hug and kiss your dad with reckless abonden and just don’t care what looks or smart-ass comments she makes, kill her with kindness. Know that this will not have her stop talking about you but you can make the choice to not care and be happy instead.
  • Go to your father, tell him you’ve had enough. Tell him you know she says awful things behind your back and that he knows it too and you are sick and tired of this going on and him not defending you. Then say that you are going to take a break away from him and his household and concentrate on your family (DH and you and his family maybe?) and you’ll come back when you feel that things have settled, warn him that if things don’t change that you will have to break away from his family for an even longer amount of time and you’ll come back when you can willing to trust him again. It is harsh but it will get him to think, maybe just facing this he will do some real soul searching.

These things may not be the right path for you to take and that is fine, everyone solves their problems differently, but these are things I’ve learned growing up in a nasty family. 

Currently my FI’s family is attacking him as if he was some sickly chick in the nest, it is disgusting. Everyone is really slippery about it too, they all stick together so you cannot blame just one person though there is one person pulling the rest of the family’s strings but getting to him to answer for his crimes is the hardest right now and my FI’s dad sits back and watches his children decend on my FI and doesn’t lift a finger. Which is fine I guess, we’re adults, we can handle our own but that kind of betrayal cuts deep, especially since his mother died only a few months ago…

Right now we have not been able to deal with this situation with his family, but when the person causing all these problems for my FI is finally in our state (America) again, we’ll wait for him to slip up and when we finally catch him in the act of causing problems for us we’ll talk with him. You got to confront this really, it will drive you up the wall especially if you keep the lines of communication open with your dad and his wife. If you don’t think you can confront him….and I mean at all, if you feel like you cannot talk about this then yeah, I would really think about cutting your ties away from you family….But do not take this lightly, it is a hard road to walk down. 

Good luck~

 

Post # 8
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Ohhhhh, stepmothers….

Mine has my entire family (Dad’s side) convinced that I

am a bad mother, neglectful to my daughter..they will call and ask if I’ve fed her..huh?

have multiple personalities. I don’t but my friends will refer to Matilda..jokes…

abuse my daughter

am in a sham marriage…seriously lady?

stole towels from her. Towels? Like bath towels? Um, ok.

took my child and “gave her” to DH’s family

 

My Dad married her in 1995. From the moment she moved in was a completely different person than when they were just dating. My sister is completely alienated from that side of the family. My step mother’s efforts are now focused on HER own daughter…my step sister..who is 41 years old..she told me all these years they believed all the things about me because why would her own mother lie? Now that she is starting on her and her husband…they get it. My Dad says that “she is my wife and you all need to understand that”. Yeah, fuck that. I call my Dad when I know he is alone at work (they work at the same school) and can talk without her bitching/complaining/asking questions in the background.

It is SO sad. They treat my daughter like she can do no wrong. She is a perfect child, but she is MINE. I have caught my stepmother referring to herself as mama. shut that shit down. they question every move I make. I am 34!! My dad was never like that before her.

It is so TIRING when my family calls me and accuses me of things. I live 450 miles away!!! My grandmother is always calling and telling me that I have stolen their baby and given her to DH..um, what?

No advice..except nip it in the bud. NOW. I have been seriously depressed about it…my sister too. Our Mom is a worthless POS, and doesn’t have much family left, so our dad’s family is all we have….and we don’t even have that now, because of this woman. It’s hard to change people’s opinions about you when you don’t know that they HAVE THEM..because your stepmother is running to them as fast as she can when your back is turned to spread lies. Ridiculous.

Post # 9
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

I cut my Dad out for a year under similar circumstances. Every day was hard, but I think in the end it really helped our relationship. I would sit him down, privately, and explain what’s going on on your end. Tell him everything you said here, don’t let him interrupt, and be okay with getting a little emotional. The key is to not make it about her, but to make it about the way that he responds when she acts this way. For example, instead of “she makes snide little comments” say “I feel like she takes digs at me sometimes and you agree because you don’t speak up for me. Do you think I’m really x,y,z?”. Make it about him, it’s easy for remarried dads to conflate your anger with jealousy and if you make it about him then it’s harder for him to be in denial about his actions.

At the end of the day, he may not respond the way you want him to. It’s okay to cut him off, but make sure it’s because you need the break and not because you think it will punish him.

The things I have found that work best are leaving when the situation becomes difficult and clearly saying how something makes you feel all the time in a calm manner. It isn’t a magical solution but it feels a heck of a lot better than trying to grin and bear it. 

Like I said, things aren’t perfect but they’re about 1000x better with both of them now. Feel free to PM me anytime to vent, I know it’s hard!

 

Post # 10
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

“I am constantly being the bigger person yet nothing changes!”

There is always a time when enough is enough. IMO, you should tell your father that the way things are going down is enough! In the long run, at least you will be able to say that you tried your best to make things work with them, but they were the ones that weren’t being receptive.

Post # 11
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee

My stepmom refers to herself as my “stepmonster” which would be cute if it wasn’t true some of the time. I am soooo sorry you’re going through this. Stepmoms can be very, very jealous of their husband’s children when they’re insecure themselves. Not everyone can be selfless and caring enough to accept children who aren’t their biological children as their own, and I think it’s incredibly sad. 

My relationship with my dad is slightly strained because of this. My stepmom won’t be attending my wedding, because she’s prioritizing her son’s sports over it. She also won’t reply back to my email trying to clear the air. And it sucks. It sucks when your parent chooses their “new” family over you. 

People make mistakes. People get caught in difficult situations and end up hurting people they love. It sucks. I’m sorry your caught in a situation where you aren’t sure if you can continue having your father in your life, and I’m sorry he’s in a situation where you’re having to make that choice.

Honestly, life is too short in my opinion to completely cut family off. I would tell him that you want a relationship with him where your stepmother isn’t involved…one on one time with your dad. If that doesn’t work and the relationship is hurting you more than satisfying your need for a father, then you shouldn’t have a relationship with him. My fiancé didn’t talk to his dad for 2 and a half years and I think honestly it helped them a lot because they were able to get perspective and realize what they wanted from the relationship and start fresh. His sister hasn’t talked to their dad in 5 years, and that works for her because she is used to living her life without him involved. 

You have to decide what is right for you, and maybe a long discussion with your dad will help, or maybe some time without each other will be needed. It sucks. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Stepmonsters suck and I never ever want to be one. I love my stepdaughter more than anything.

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