NWR: "Why One Mother Gave Back Her Adopted Son"

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
2882 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This is another story of why there needs to be more support both durring and after the adoption of older, foreing kids.   There are a lot of potential problems, but there is no support structure for it.  And not every story ends as happily as Js did. 

It doesn’t mean adoption is bad, but attachment forming issues are common both in kids in the US foster system and the foreing orphanage systems.  They don’t have stability.  But if you adopt out of the US foster system, there is support, and more knowledge about the kid. 

This is also why I look at people who want to adopt older children because they are “easier” than raising babies like they have two heads.  These kids are often damaged and broken and take a lot of work.  You have to have to be a saint to do the kind of work these kids need. 

Post # 3
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Man, that is tough. Poor family.  I probably would have tried to research all the possible/probable issues that could come up with adoption of an older orphan, to try and ensure that I found a child with eyes wide open- though to be fair and honest, a lot of the possible issues are only seen in hindsight.  Babies have a bonding period with their parents/primary caregivers, but older kids have had that window pass so you really need someone who naturally works with you and your family as well as possible. Love will do a lot of wonders, and most problems can be dealt with – but as a parent, the safety of your younger children is 100% your responsibility and your priority.

i am glad they didn’t just chuck him out and found him a new family he seemed attached to, it really is the best thing for the kid. There are way too many older kids in foster care who bounce from home to home without having anyone able to give them stability. Never mind the rude and grumpy neighbours, this kid got what he needed which was time without the responsibility of younger siblings.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  babeba.
Post # 4
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Stacey has a blog that I’ve followed for awhile. She’s really open about the process. I’ve also worked with kids in the foster care system, and helped a child through one almost-adoption that didn’t happen (she lived with the family for 6-7 months, called them mom and dad, etc.). It turned out so much better for the little girl I worked with to move to a second family that was better able to addres her issues. Of course, people need to take adoption really seriously, and re-placement needs to be a last resort. And I agree with PP that support should be much-improved. Anyway, if anyone’s interested, her blog is http://anymommyoutthere.com

Post # 5
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

These stories are truely horrifying.  She conveyed about much emotion talking about J as you would a dust ruffle on your bed.  It sounds like they are rehoming a pet.  She didn’t do any research, it doesn’t sound like, before they adopted the children of the potential issues.  I really can’t believe the county/state lets them take in foster kids.  There are plenty of times you love your kid but you don’t like them at the moment (or how they are acting), she doesn’t even say that.  I understand that adopting babies is ideal.. .but there are a LOT of older kids that are thrust into situations, that are not their doing, and are great people and just need a supportive family behind them.  Goodness I wonder what she will do if one of her bio children has issues oh yeah she can rehome them. 

  

Post # 6
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

 

HisIrishPrincess: I actually agree. This entire article puts me off for a reason that I can’t entirely pin down at the moment, though it may have something to do with my being adopted. Obviously this isn’t an unheard of issue, though, since such thing as a secondary placement organization exists, so I’m sure the family did the right thing… but yeah.

Post # 7
Member
2131 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

This disgusted me. Don’t adopt if you’re not prepared to deal with real, difficult issues. Attachment disorder is a real, documented behavioral problem and anyone who adopts thinking it will be all butterflies and rainbows (especially with an older kid) is kidding themselves and shouldn’t be allowed to adopt. 

Yes, she had to keep her other children safe, I understand that, but 8 MONTHS? Come on. That’s not enough time for an ADULT to adjust to a new life, nevermind a child. It’s irresponsible and it’s sending ANOTHER message to this kid that he isn’t deserving of love.

I hope that he’s doing well with his new family and that they are better, more patient parents. I have no sympathy for this mother (or father). Her lack of empathy in this article is mindblowing.

I, too, can’t believe the state would even allow these people to take on foster children. They have proven they are not adequate caretakers for children coming from traumatic and difficult backgrounds.

Post # 8
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Mrs_Amanda:  I wonder what she expected when adopting a child with a terrible start to life from a poverty stricken country?

FMIL is a social worker at Family and Children’s Services (aka Children’s Aid) and it’s difficult to find homes for older children, like any kid older than a baby or toddler. So it really wasn’t surprising to me when I read this article and learned he was 5.

Post # 9
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think she did the right thing. It’s about the kids- period. Not pride, not worrying about what others will think or shame. It was selfless of her to realize they were not the best fit for J and to give him the oppurtunity to be placed in a home where he can thrive. Comments in this thread are the very reason adoptive parents hold onto children who deep down they know it’s not right and no one is happy. Unless you have walked in those shoes you can’t begin to understand. 

Post # 10
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

 

Mrs_Amanda:  This doesn’t sit well with me for many reasons. Did she not think adoption would be difficult? I think in the end it was a good thing that she ended up “passing him on” to someone else since she obviuosly couldn’t love him but she should have thought long and hard about making that decision in the first place.

Children aren’t pets, I wouldn’t even CONSIDER the option that I could “return” him. She probably should have done a lot more research before making such a life altering decision, and that makes me angry.

That being said, my Aunt adopted a little girl from Haiti and I have been to Haiti a few times myself. (Not since the big earthquake though). And while the child she has nice is lovely, some children she met in the process were very troubled – as I imagine it would be adopting from anywhere.

I remember her telling one story about a little girl they were considering adopting. They took her to the beach with their biological kids. The bio kids complained that the Haitian girl was hitting them, being mean, etc. and my aunt brushed it off as kids just not getting along – which happens.

Then while playing in the water with her, this little girl pushed my aunt’s head under water and tried to hold her there. She said she was surprisingly strong but that was very scary and, obviously, utlimately decided not to adopt her.

Did this Conner lady not spend any time with J before bringing him home???

Post # 11
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I guess generally I could imagine there are certain situations where this could be the best option, but in this case? 

As PPs have said, she sounds really cold and she gave up way too early / easily. 

Also, there’s gotta be a difference in your husband hitting you or a five-year old throwing and ending up accidentally hurting you like that. 

I just hope little J gets some peace of mind with his new family! 

Post # 12
Member
5544 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

She had other, small children in her house that were facing the very real possibility of being hurt. Not just her biological kids but their other adopted daughter. While I think it is horrible this had to happen,  I don’t think it was because they weren’t trying. And it seems like it ended up for the best. The boy is now happily with a family that works for him whp he wouldn’t have ever met had the orignal family not brought him from Haiti.  And I am certain it wasn’t as easy as some.pp make it out to be. She said it had been years since this happened. That is time tp heal and be able to not be a weepy mess when writing about the experience. Not to say ot wasn’t extremely difficult at the time. I would say truly loving the boy was figuring out he obviously wasn’t happy or going to do well if he stayed in their family so they found him a place where he could thrive.  People are so quick to judge which is how people end up staying in situations that aren’t healthy. They are so worried about “what will “they” think?”, with “they” being the uneducated,  judgemental masses. “They” have no idea what the actual situation is, but will surely let everyone else know how much better “they” could have handled it. BS. Until you live it, you have no idea what actually would happen.

Post # 13
Member
3874 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m torn. On the surface, it immediately sounds wrong to give up a child. After all, you made a committment to another human being to take care of them and love them.

But in this case, that committment threatened her other children, both bio and adopted, to whom she had made the same promise (by adopting them or giving birth and keeping them).

If the young boy is truly better of with his new family, then maybe the right thing isn’t as clear… maybe the best way for her to love him was to give him a life he would thrive in. Maybe it’s not what everyone would do; maybe it’s not going to be accepted by people who didn’t have to make that kind of decision. I don’t know if it was the right decision, but I have never been there.

Post # 14
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

The comments say it all. In particular, the quote where she says she was worried she might spank him literally made me roll my eyes. And that stuff about multicultural? Multicultural does not equal multiracial. A rainbow family? What is this kid, a fashion accessory for the middle classes to show just how open minded you are?

The parents did not do their research at all. So clueless. And as for giving the child a smack… well, if all other discipline methods have failed…

As for their new son pinching and hitting… that’s what children DO. Some kids are just like that when they are young. My cousin went through a period where he used to bite people (as an aside, you know the only thing that finally made him stop after 2 years? Smacking. One day of corporal punishment and he never did anything like that ever again). He’s now a well adjusted adult.

The problem was that she just wasn’t prepared to love him, not the other way around. He was naughty, so she witheld her love, and that caused the problem.

Post # 15
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Mrs_Amanda:  Yeah, she’s a POS. 

She had her own kids, loved them more and this kids very understandable issues just got too inconvenient so she rationalized throwing him on the trash heap.

The fact that she compared him hurting her during a tantrum to domestic violence – I can’t even. 

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