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FI and I were discussing this the other day. He is all for spanking under EXTREME circumstances yet I don't think there is ever an excuse to spank your kid. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I was never spanked growing up but FI was.
What are your thoughts, Bees?
Here's my post from the other thread reposted here:
My fiance is also okay with spanking under extreme circumstances. I on the other hand think that there are a lot of other ways to discipline children before spanking (I'm not judging anyone that chooses to spank their children). I just personally would rather use other methods of punishment and consequences because from my experience other means are usually more effective (and were on me as a child).
I think a swift swat to the bottom is called for when a young child is doing something very bad. Not to hurt them but to sort of 'shock' their system.
If a child is very young and you can't explain to them in detail why what they're doing is dangerous, then they would probably respond more to action rather than words.
I do not believe it is necessary to put a child over your knee and repeatedly spank their bare bottom though.
I was spanked as a child and I'm not emotionally scarred or anything so spanking my children is definitely on the table. I'd say "extreme" circumstances for me would be being disrespectful or endangering themselves (i.e. if you run into traffic I might smack your butt so you remember not to do it again).
I voted for under any circumstance--but I would never take spanking to the extreme. I figure if my mom spanked me, her mom spanked her, etc, and we all turned out just fine, then it's acceptable to me.
I voted "Other". "Under any circumstance" and "under extreme circumstance" really don't leave any middle-ground.
I plan to spank if needed. It won't be the first form of discipline. I don't have kids yet, but I plan to have a progression of discipline methods. First time, verbal warning. Second time, they get a time-out. Etc.
I do have a belief that if a kid is spanked, it should only be done with the hand; no using belts or yardsticks.
Sometimes a kid just needs a swat on the butt. I know I did when I was a kid.
I'm in the same boat. My husband says he was spanked himself and he will spank our kid when necessary, while I think it's a barbaric and inefficient form of punishment. We've argued on this quite a bit.
Hm..Spanking is implemented inefficiently by many parents so I don't think I would do it. Plus, a lot of parents spank when they're angry and that sets a very bad example to the child and some parents can get out of hand.
In my family, it wasn't implemented very well. I also don't think closed fists, belts, rods, etc. should be used.
@LGenz: I agree. I plan on spanking my kids because it worked for me. I don't want to hurt them, and hit them any time I have a chance (I have seen some of my friends parents do that and it didn't work well because the kids hated them).
My parents spanked us kids (3 of us) and they have told me many times that they made a deliberate choice to stop spanking. I think this happened when I was 4 or 5. I remember being spanked it was kinda scary. My parents realized that there was a more productive way to parent and discipline a child. I plan to not spank and utilize constructive discipline tactics.
My parents used to spank me, I turned out okay. So, I'm all for it if the circumstances are legit.
I was spanked a few times when I was a kid - it was pretty much reserved for when I was really, really bad.
My parents were great, and I turned out just fine! :-)
My mom spanked us, but also used her own special brand on "Catholic Guilt." I preferred the spanking to the guilt! (Don't get me wrong, I have a great relationship with my 'rents, but all of us Rock kids hated the guilting!!)
i think that there's a huge difference between 'spanking' and 'hitting' i would never hit my children (young or grown), but if an extreme situation requires spanking, yes i would. it worked for me and my brother. it worked for DH. we are definitely on the same page as far as discipline for our children. he will never lay a hand. (neither of our fathers ever did)... we both did get spanked by our moms... for extreme situations.
also-- on a tangent, my mom usually (in grade school, and scolding would not work) set up a "punishment" where my brother and i had to sit on our knees and raise our hands straight in the air. (korean punishment)... that worked well for us too...
I voted never because I don't really see how using any kind of violence against a child is teaching them to be a good non-violent person when they grow up.... but after reading some of the responses I guess I can see why, maybe, when they are too young to understand words it might be necessary in a very controlled manner to prevent them from doing something dangerous.
i will spank in situations when it is needed, but i agree that it shouldnt be done in anger and can easily get out of hand
I was spanked when I misbehaved, which wasn't often. And it was always a quick swat on the bottom (flat of the hand, over pants). It was very efficient with me. My guy was spanked as a kid. More than a quick swat. It was the only thing that got through to him (he was the sort of kid who climbed onto the roof at the age of five.)
@missjyc: okay the punishment your mom used on you guys is pretty clever. Sitting here thinking about having to do that sucks haha!
My parent's spanked me, their parent's spanked them and we are fine. Not you know a full on hit but a swat
I just have to ask (since I don't have kids and aren't around them a lot), but even if they don't understand words, why does spanking have to be used? Couldn't you isolate the child from what it's doing or firmly hold the child's hand from doing what they aren't supposed to?
I was spanked a few times when I was a kid and I remember being terrified. It did not make me learn my lesson or obey. It just made me scared. I would almost immediately go and do something bad to get back at my parents, (like pouring out my mom's perfume or putting lotion in my dad's shampoo bottle. So bottom line, no I did not learn my lesson. I use time outs to discipline my cat and I have to say it works very well. If a cat can get the message, i'm sure a child can as well. FI and I have agreed there will be no spanking under any circumstances.
@Meowkers: I use timeouts for my cats, one has gotten in trouble a lot and she has learned when I say "Go to your cage," she goes immediately.
@beekiss2: with my toddler when she was doing things she shouldn't we would flick her hand (obviously not hard) but that worked pretty good and we taught her to say "no thank you" if she was frustrated at a situation. But honestly at times, sometimes kids do just need a swat on the bottom to straighten up
I am an educator, and believe that corporal punishment is an appropriate form of discipline. I don't mean beating, but a quick swat on a child's fanny gives a child a message that all the time outs and all the lectures in the world do not do. The swat says I will not tolerate inappropriate behavior, while the time out/grounding/lecture method says you did something wrong and you will "pay" for that behavior with time. The child isn't learning that the misbehavior is not acceptable, but rather that it has a cost... I was swatted on occasion as a child, and it did not cause me a hardship. I also know that students who know that there is a physical consequence for their misbehavior, are least likely to be a discipline problem. If you are wishy washy in your discipline, kids will recognize that and they try to get away with more. I think that schools are paying dramatically for the lack of discipline because of fear of a lawyer, rather than the fear that a kid will be hurt or choose to harm others because nothing more can be done to them than a time out... A good swat applied appropriately can teach your child that you love them enough to discipline!
@Meowkers: lol to the lotion in the shampoo bottle. We give our cat time outs too. Seems to work.
@missfireslayer: Thanks for sharing. Yeah, I wouldn't be opposed to a flick or slap on the hand.
I voted nerver.
Never under any circumstance whould I spank my child. I think it sets an inappropriate precedent for parents and doesn't solve anything that couldn't be solved through perfectly civil techniques. I was never spanked, and even when I did something "bad" my mom had ways of making me understand what was inappropriate. On top of that, I just couldn't bring MYSELF to hit a child.
Being a former teacher I can tell you that the students who were spanked at home were MUCH better behaved.
I personally was spanked on the rare occasion, and I think it worked well for us. My parents also used "punishment to fit the crime" kind of discipline.
For Example: If we left dirty dishes out then we had to wash ALL of the dishes.
We hated it! Thus, it worked! lol
This is illegal in my country, it's considered child abuse. I'd have to agree.
Interesting how many of you say that you were spanked and you turned out fine, do you knwo that is a popular argument for physical abuse among parents in court? Hitting is hitting. A differernt name for the act does not change the act.
I guess my next question (sorry to hog the thread, OP) is the people that say Never, not parents yet and so they'll change their minds once they become parents? or should I say, have any parents NOT used corporal punishment with their children? or were any of us raised without corporal punishment?
EDIT: I think I'm going to move my question to a new thread.
I'm fine with spanking. If I did anything wrong, drawing on walls, destroying clothes, acting up in church and so on, I got my butt torn up. Bare bottomed, over the knee, in front of everybody.
I turned out just fine, and I never had to be spanked much as a child. I think I got my last spanking when I was... 8? Getting a spanking got the point across a lot faster I think.
A friend of mine won't spank her child, and if you try to tell him no, he just laughs at you and goes right on doing it, because all he will have to do is sit in a corner for 10 minutes.
So, from my own experience and seeing how "effective" time outs and saying no are, I'll be spanking mine, if I have any.
@beekiss2: I was raised without it, but my mom yelled at me a lot. A LOT. Like a pencil on my floor meant "a tornado blew through here! This place is disgusting!" All it did was make me resentful and bitter, and when I became a teenager we had it out all the time. I dont remember much from when I was little, but I know I wasn't spanked.
I am not against it. I will find any means I can to avoid it, but sometimes there appears to be no other option. Like PPs have said, it would be just a smack and through clothes just to give them a jolt. I felt more demeaned and angry and rebellious when I was being yelled at, I probably would have responded more to a quick spanking.
@beekiss2: I believe it's about repercussions. Isolating a child or pulling them away from a situation does not, in my mind, convey the immediacy or danger of a dangerous situation.
I definitely see @Missbliss's point.
I really think that the punishment should be based on the child's age, personality, siutation, etc. Growing up, there were a variety of disciple methods used (standing in the corner, soap in the mouth for talking back, the occasional spank, etc). For me, I was always the most affected when my parents stated their disappointment in me. That was so much more effective at changing my behavior than spaking me. Basically, I do not condone beating a child EVER, but an occassional spank may be warranted, however, it is not necessarily the most effective punishment if you are trying to change behavior (once again, depending on age, personality, etc).
FI and I have agreed to never spank. Even if it's "just a swat" it's still hitting. It's still a form of physical violence. I also don't think it's fair to create a double standard for accepable behavior based on authority.
As a kid, I was spanked and hit, with both hands and objects. It was horrible. I may have turned out okay, but I would never do the same to my children. FI was never spanked. His mother a childhood education professional and she did not believe that spanking was a necessary form of discipline.
@wellykiwi: I absolutely agree, thanks for pointing that out. I turned out fine DESPITE being hit, not because of it.
@arenyth: Yeah, my sister and I got yelled at a lot and it was ineffective. I'm still angry and bitter about the entire thing and it's been years. So yelling isn't an option for me either.
@MsGolightly: I've heard about parents spanking when it's a potentially life threatening situation if they chose to do the same thing over again. For example, running into a road--spanking teaches them immediately. Although, my grandmother was pretty effective about teaching my sister and me not to run into the road before we even tried it--she told us we'd end up smashed like pancakes so for a 4 year old, we could visualize that.
@jayce: Yeah, I was hit/spanked with objects too and I wouldn't subject my future children to that either. If I found out a friend or family member was doing it, I'd tell them to stop and if they continued, I'd report them. With strangers, I'd report them as well. Objects like belts, rods, horse crops, etc should not be used, ever, and I equate that to abuse.
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