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Wow. Thanks for sharing this! Personally, I think she is incredibly brave - and self-confident. I can't imagine hearing those words and responding as she did. But I would hope I would respond like she did. You are right - it is inspiring. She stayed by him, truly through for better or for worse!
Very interesting. I'm glad it worked for them. She definitely had a very zen-like attitude toward the whole situation. It's hard to know what you would do in the same circumstance because we don't really know what the true circumstances are. I suppose part of the point is that we don't need to know... but how hard is that?
Anyway, welcome to the hive and thanks for sharing!
I was going to post about this myself! It's interesting.
I think first & foremost the wife applied principles that you would use whether or not the marriage stayed together or not. Mostly, she realized that his cruelty wasn't about her, wasn't anything for her to take personally, and she called him on it.
Now of course, the man could have left anyway, but either way, this is what she should have done. I think she is to be commended for remembering this in the face of his awful pronouncement.
Wow! Good article. I think she's brave for her situation. I realize every relationship is different and this is what worked for her relationship. I'm not sure I could handle it the way she did.
I think what she did was very interesting. I'm not sure I know another word for it. I don't think I could or would do it though. No matter what pain he was going through, to me, what he put her through is a deal breaker. I wouldn't want to be with a man who could disrespect me and would cut and run so easily. I also don't think I could forget all that he said if we did stay together. Good for them though. It takes courage to do it and to write about it.
@doctorgirl Yes, I think you have to take the story at face value and maybe it is unfair to make assumptions. Thanks for the welcome! I don't know what took me so long.
@KateMW I am in the dealbreaker category. We all say things we don't mean in anger. but six months of it? No way. But we are at the very beginning of our marriage and I know we won't be madly in love every second. She obvioulsy takes her wedding vows seriously.
Welcome!!!
I think the writer was very smart. I have done very similar things in the past in family situations. I could absolutely forgive my spouse if she went through something similar.
But if she wrote about it in the New York Times, I would move out the next day!!! It's different with this writer though, because he encouraged her to write about it. I am just really private...
Great link!!
WOW - thanks for the article! I found it really interesting!
I agree with parts and disagree with others!
I agree with the fact that divorce is the easy road to take and it is often taken too often and you should work for your relationship and I agree that when people are unhappy with parts of their life they project onto their whole life and think that everything has to change in order to be happy and I agree that this is NOT the right way to do with it!
However, I do not agree with the way she dealt with it! I definitely would not have been that strong! In order for me to go through a partial separation I would have needed rules about what he was doing during those hours away from home and I see where you are coming from with the thoughts of an affair. Too me it is the one unforgivable thing in a relationship.
I commend her for her strength and her self-confidence and I am glad that it worked out for them!
My whole issue with what she did and how he handled it is that he basically was given permission to beat up on her for 6 months. I'm all for not giving up easily and I do think divorce is used too much, but wow, I would just not be OK with that.
You have to really *know* your spouse in this case. I'm going on the assumption that he was an absolutely loving husband & father and that she knew him to be a generally good person, in which case the meanness would have been out of character, as opposed to a continuous, abusive pattern. If my FH came home acting like that, I wouldn't assume it was me. I'd say "Hey! What's wrong with YOU?"
As awful as he was, it would have been worse if he were completely indifferent during and then just quietly slipped out of the family, out of the marriage. I think what he was really railing against wasn't her, but against his own midlife crisis and the fact that she wouldn't let him take it out on her, that she wouldn't take it personally.
Wow. I'm really shocked by this woman's strength. I would have probably completely downward-spiraled, to be honest. I would not be able to deal with that blow to my self esteem. Maybe that's because I'm younger, and my husband and I have not been together and been through what the writer and her husband have done in their relationship.
On the other hand, the whole set-up does make me angry. Would her husband have done that? If she needed a break from her family, would the husband have been able to entertain the kids and keep going strong even while his wife was out doing whatever she wanted? I love my husband, but I don't know if he would - he would probably be too mad and want to go out and have fun, too. Or, maybe I'm just projecting what I would want to do onto my husband.
Crazy article! Thanks for sharing, it was interesting to read.
I don't like the suggestion that he just needed a break. I absolutely believe that he could be unhappy, unhappy with his wife and life, and that it has nothing to do with her. I'd be intrested to find out more about why he came back. Even if he's unhappy, he still has responsibilites.
Wow, that's a really interesting read. I don't know what I'd do in her situation, but I have to be honest--I don't think I'd be able to tolerate six months of that. Knowing my personality, I certainly wouldn't have been as "zen" about the whole thing. I guess I'm glad they found something that worked for them.
I too think that divorce without attempting to reconcile is taking the easy out, but I would not want to stay married to someone that treated me like scum for 6 months and then just accept him back like nothing happened. Did her husband really come back, or did he realize she is willing to be his doormat should he do this again? It doesn't matter if he really didn't love her anymore or not because he didn't treat her with respect. And that lack of respect would have made all the difference in the world to me. There are times in conflict when we treat our loved ones with less respect than they deserve, but I image you would have to TRY very hard to be so hurtful for months on end.
If that worked for them, good. But I would not have done things that way. She doesn't want to hurt her family, but what does that teach her children that see Dad treat Mom with such malice and then Mom just takes it? I would want my children to know its not okay to treat someone like that or be treated that way.
Very interesting. I thought it was good insight into another way to handle a situation like that. I would probably lash out and act rashly. I commend her for keeping a level head like that. I hope that when my husband I have been together for half our lives, I'll would know him well enough to call out any BS like that.
I agree totally with Bamboo. If this were a one month thing, I'd be like, she's so strong. But six months? That starts to turn into "What, exactly, are you subjectiving yourself and your children to?" I think that part of what bothers me about it all is that he runs out for 6 months, then comes back with an "I'll paint the fence and I'm thankful for my family." To me, that's just not enough.
I might have been able to stick around (probably not for 6 months), but I would have needed a MASSIVE show of good faith upon returning that this would never happen again. You have to wonder, what would happen if he decided he wanted this again? He's learned it's ok. His happiness is paramount to everyone else's. I think letting it go that long didn't show him the importance of family, it showed him he can pull crap, and if he's nice when he comes back, it's ok, everyone forgives him.
Wow! I don't know that I would have had the courage to do something like this!! But I will keep in the back of my mind just incase something like this happens to me ... and being an almost newlywed ... I know it won't 
This sort of happened to me actually. About four years into our marriage, my now ex said a lot of these same things. I realized that he was depressed. I planned to give him about six months to figure it out. By month three, I was a wreck. I think the choice here has to do with a lot of things:
How happy has your marriage been up to that point? Is it worth sticking it out for? Is this truly not who he is? Is he willing to get help for his issues?
For me the answers were: not very, unclear, who knows, and hell no
But the most pivotal question of all was: Am I going to drown in this mess if I stick around?
And the answer to that was a resounding yes. I was still willing to do it for a while because of the commitment I made.
In month four, one of my best friends discovered he was having an affair. I packed my bags and got the hell out of dodge. I was sad and angry, but most of all relieved.
That was more than three years ago. I haven't looked back and I couldn't be happier.
I thought she was amazing and if tested that hard, I only hope and pray I can stand up to my commitment the way she did.
Thank you for sharing- this article made me cry. Probably because it hit close to home. It reminded me of my parents, and my mother's always resiliant attitude when my father's behavior was a little self-centered and not about the family.
My parents have been married for 30 years now (together for 35 years), and what they have taught me is that marriage is not always easy and "romantic". Flowers, candy, hugs and kisses does not a marriage make.
But deep down in our hearts, even when my dad was off doing whatever it was he wanted to do, we knew that he was there for our family. Whether it was bringing home firewood in the winter or coming home early from work to make sure I got to soccer practice on time- he was there.
We kids are all grown up now and my parents are alone in the house- just the two of them; still married. I know it is hard for them to imagine life without each other. They made a commitment and for better or for worse- they are family now and forever.
Wow. It was interesting to read for me. As a divorced mom. I also gave my ex almost 6 months at the request of my counselor. Her choice reminds me of a similar approach of one of my favorite marriage counseling sites too. I did learn also, that this whole thing was about him, and had nothing at all to do with me as a wife.
Although when this happened to me, it was not after two decades together but almost 10 years together with a young child. All I got was "I need some space. I just feel trapped". Nothing else. He didn't come home regularly after that and it was mind boggling. I was stoic and thought also that due to huge pressures from my ex being ceo of his company that he was going either temporarily insane or collapsing under pressure and federal regulations. That's what my thinking mind thought. But I also trusted my gut and had him followed by a private investigator and found out the truth after a business trip he took to Miami. In the end, it was imho a little of both (work pressures and an affair or two) which made him into the wacky person he had become. Nothing made sense. Not a damn thing. Yet I gave him several months to make a move as per the counselor. She said he didn't even know what he wanted. Yet I waited almost 6 months for him to show some sign of coming out of the self induced crazy he was in. He didn't. He just got more crazy basically. He turned into somebody I did not know at all in a mere five and a half months.
Like SF Carrie, I divorced the guy. Very very glad I did as of now. I could not have taken another month of being stoic and just trying to keep things together and being the only person in my marriage who gave a damn. My ex never did get better or return to being the good guy he was once. He married one of the gf's right away and began cheating on her too. Lost his job and is in some other trouble b/c of his inability to follow through with committment and new propensity to lie easily. He never got it. But we (son and I) started over and while not easy, was by far the best decision ever and I have now sole custody of my little guy.
In a million years I would have never believed our situation would have happened as it did. I could have never guessed the outcome. But all I can say is where I am now is where in life I am supposed to be, and who I am with is the right person 100 percent for myself and my son.
Very interesting read. I am looking forward to sharing this with FH when he gets home.
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I've been debating joining Weddingbee since I started planning my wedding a year ago. This article in the New York Times convinced me to delurk.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?em
It is worth the read. Essentially it is about a woman weathering her husband's announcement that he never loved her, her refusal to accept it as an answer, and how they made it to the other side. On one hand, it is inspiring. I hope I can have that sort of compassion and patience in my own marriage. And on the other, the whole thing is vaguely upsetting. It seems like there is a subtext of an affair, which really alters the story for me. It sparked a nice conversation with my husband, though. The comments are as interesting as the article, if you have time on your hands.
What is your take on the article? Would you have left him? Is she brave or delusional?