(Closed) NYT article about living together before marriage

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Interesting article.  I lived with my FI for a year before we got engaged…  That article would of freaked me out if I would have read it a year and a half ago….

Post # 4
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Just wanted to let you know the link worked fine! I think if you and your BF are open with communication and where your relationship is going I think it’s all fine!  I have heard these kind of stats before but no relationship is the same and it’s kind of hard to judge what will happen. I lived with my exFI and it was clear to me after awhile that it wasn’t what I wanted so living together may have prevented a divorce.  My current SO and I have been living together in my apartment but are moving into “our” apartment soon.  I think it will be good for us to both be able to contribute and work on who will help with cleaning and stuff. 

Post # 5
Hostess
16217 posts
Honey Beekeeper

We chose not to live together before marriage. We’ve been married and living together for nine months and couldn’t be happier about our choice. It was right for us, but that doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone.

Post # 6
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think there a few good points in this article, but I think it’s important to note that more problems seem to arise if you “slide” into living together with no real communication about marriage or timelines or the future. A few other people have pointed out to me that a lot of data in that article was fairly old. I don’t know if there have been any more recent studies. I personally think it’s all about communication and being on the same page as far as the future goes.

Post # 7
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Wow that was definately an article worth reading. My FI and I did basically the same thing, slid into living together. But really, I wouldn’t have it any other way. No financial responsibilites are holding my to him, and as for our fur babies, I like that we have the shared stake in them. It would make leaving harder, for either one of us, but that’s not something that’s thought of. We both never saw moving in together as a step toward marrige, or a qualifier to see if we would worked. We just wanted to be around each other so much, and with an hour distance, it worked so well once I was there. If I were to do it again, I’d do exactly the same thing 🙂

Post # 8
Member
933 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I tried to read this but it keeps failing (I’m certain it’s because of my computer, not the website). It didn’t really speak to me but still made me scared.  Please correct me if I’m wrong, it seems like they’re saying the reason you’d get married after living together is similar to the reason you’d keep a pair of shoes that aren’t perfect – because you already bought them & the store is too long a drive to go back?

I like to think that’s not true, but it probably is for some people.  Probably it’s more like you live together and realize that everyone has their faults.

What do you all think? I’m looking to this page for comments since I can’t load the full article!

Post # 9
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

Like @Gemstone, we chose not to live together before we were married. Almost 5 years later, we’re still going strong and had no issues adjusting to living together after marriage.  

@ColoradoGirl:  I totally agree. I think that if you communicate, you won’t have the issues that this article talks about. Too many people jump into things that they aren’t ready for and don’t communicate about them which is why they end up not working out. I think as long as the lines of communication are open, do what’s best for you.

Post # 10
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

DH and I didn’t live together before we were married and we wouldn’t have had it any other way. So little is special in being married that we wanted to share our first year of living together while married. But I’m pretty sure nothing would be different now if we had lived together beforehand. Great communication is the key to everything I think.

Post # 11
Member
6249 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

One of the speakers at pre-Cana said something along the lines of:

Women tend to think there will be this big change after the wedding.  And historically there was, because the newlyweds would move in together and start that chapter of their lives.  But if you already live together then nothing really changes.  You still sleep together, you still pay bills together, etc.  So that can sometimes cause some issues when nothing changes after the wedding.

Of course, every couple is different.  Co-habitating before marriage works for some and not others.

Post # 13
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I read that article and while I thought it was interesting, I wasn’t too concerned about it. I live with my FI and we’ve lived together for 2.5 years, dating for almost 8 years. I don’t think I fit with the demographic described in the article, though, because we did not “slide” into living together. We made a conscious decision to move in together–I was living in DC, he was living in NYC, I got a job in NYC so we could live together. The same thing goes for marriage. We talked about it a lot and it’s something we both really want to do. We’re not just doing it because we already live together so we might as well. I think there was a brief mention that some people think there could be a higher divorce rate among people who live together before marriage because if you’re ok with living together you’re probably more accepting of divorce than people who don’t believe in living together before marriage. This makes a lot of sense, and I wish there could have been more elaboration or discussion about that. To some extent this article seems more designed to scare people living together than anything. If you examine your own life, you’ll probably find (as I did) that a lot of the concerns the article outlines don’t apply to you. And as for things “not changing” after you get married if you already live together, that just seems silly. I love my FI and I’m very happy and content with how things are now. Our marriage will symbolize our committment and love to each other, but I don’t expect it to change anything. Getting married and expecting/wanting things to be different just doesn’t make sense to me if you’re already happy with your relationship.

Post # 14
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think this article brings up interesting points, but I think it’s emphasis is more on the level of commitment and reason *why* people choose to move in together rather than about their actual cohabitation.

We did live together before marriage, but it was definitely not out of convenience–he accepted a new job 3 hours away, and I left my position to move with him. I believe that communication is the most important part. We moved in together knowing that it was sort of a “bridge” commitment–that we would choose to live together with clear future plans to get married and engaged. We talked about it and put everything out in the open before making any decisions.

I do think the article makes good points about women expecting that cohabitating will lead to marriage while men use it as more of a “test” period. Couples need to be on the same page about their shared goals or intentions, and I do agree that convenience and cost-sharing is not a good enough reason to take a major relationship step.

Post # 15
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Interesting article. I think it makes some good points for couples that aren’t engaged yet, or are engaged but haven’t set a date. I can see how a man would view moving in as a way to postpone the marriage.

FH and I moved in together about 8 months ago. We were already engaged and had a date set for the wedding. So, our decision about when to get married was made before cohabitating, which I think was the main point of this article.

Post # 16
Member
933 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@jo.lee:  Hahahaha! You’re the best for sharing this!

The topic ‘NYT article about living together before marriage’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors