(Closed) NYT Article: Cohabitation before marriage

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@crosswordpuzzle:  I think the article was interesting, but I still don’t see a compelling correlation between living together and getting divorced.  I think the article is coming at it from the wrong angle.  It’s not living together that caused the desire for divorce in her example of “Jennifer”, it was the fact that 1)they got married because it was the next step, not because they were incredibly in love and wanted to spend their lives together, and 2)she spent more time planning her wedding than being happily married.

I love that FI and I live together.  I feel like we’re already a family, and have for a while.  Living together has brought us closer and made us fall more in love.  I think it’s strengthened our relationship, and I feel bad for people who think that living together before marriage will somehow make it more likely to fail. 

Post # 4
Member
4662 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

i have always felt that way about cohabitation…. commitment first then living together. its just me though.

Post # 6
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

It kind of makes sense, though. If you start setting up your home with this mindset that you can leave any time things start getting rocky, it can be hard to get out of that mindset, even once marriage has happened.

Post # 7
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

For most of history and still in many cultures, cohabitation was/is marriage, so it’s hard to make comparisons. In fact, weddings were originally a celebration involving transporting the bride to her new home, and all the other wonderful stuff developed around that.

Post # 8
Member
10563 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

This article makes way too many connections, that aren’t always true.  I haven’t looked at the actual study yet though.

Post # 9
Member
10563 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

The study is over a decade old.  I’m sure I’ve seen much more recent studies.

Post # 10
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

As much as I generally like the NYT, they do tend to be a little “Look we found these two people who’s situations correlate with this point we’re trying to prove! Let’s write an article about it!”. There are a million ways to spin stats. What matters is what’s right for you.

Post # 12
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@BothCoasts:  I read the slate article too! While I haven’t looked into the stats too deeply, I find Slate’s approach to be much more realistic and in-line with what I’ve seen and what makes sense to me.

Post # 13
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

There is one main point in the article I agree with.  “Sliding” into cohabitation and marriage probably isn’t a great idea, but really… did we need an article to tell us this?  Clearly if you just move in with your SO without really discussing it and then just get married because “it’s the next step” you’re probably at a higher risk for divorce.  The problem here isn’t cohabitation, it’s lack of communication.  I think living together is a big decision and should be treated as such.  I’ve lived with FI for 2 years and think our relationship is stronger for it.  That said, I respect those that wait til marriage as well.  Either way can make for a great relationship, the point is it should be and active decision between the couple (not just sliding into a situation).

Post # 14
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@crayfish:  couldn’t have said it better myself.

Post # 15
Member
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@msfahrenheit:  It does seem more common sense, no? 🙂

Post # 16
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@mrsSonthebeach:  That’s a point I made to my very Christian mother when she was so upset that I was moving in with my now-fiance. In Biblical times, if you went to live with a man, he was your husband. Maybe there was some food and music, that was the “wedding.” FI and I agreed when we decided to live together that this would lead to marriage assuming we stayed happy and the relationship kept working. So to us it was step 1 towards a life together.

Most importantly – not getting divorced is not an accomplishment in itself. The goal should be to have happy, loving, functional relationships – and to know where to seek help or exit if that’s not happening anymore. I don’t think staying in a bad marriage is a greater achievement than leaving one.

 

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