Post # 1
Did any of you catch this article in the Times about cohabiation?
I realize that generally the argument is that people who don’t cohabitate before marriage are a self-selecting group who are anti divorce, but this article makes some attempts to refute that idea.
I suppose that I believe it could be possible that the idea that you are “testing the waters” before you commit could undermine an eventual marriage. Like the woman in the article stated, she felt like she was “auditioning.” Either way, an interesting read.
Post # 3
@crosswordpuzzle: I think the article was interesting, but I still don’t see a compelling correlation between living together and getting divorced. I think the article is coming at it from the wrong angle. It’s not living together that caused the desire for divorce in her example of “Jennifer”, it was the fact that 1)they got married because it was the next step, not because they were incredibly in love and wanted to spend their lives together, and 2)she spent more time planning her wedding than being happily married.
I love that FI and I live together. I feel like we’re already a family, and have for a while. Living together has brought us closer and made us fall more in love. I think it’s strengthened our relationship, and I feel bad for people who think that living together before marriage will somehow make it more likely to fail.
Post # 4
i have always felt that way about cohabitation…. commitment first then living together. its just me though.
Post # 6
It kind of makes sense, though. If you start setting up your home with this mindset that you can leave any time things start getting rocky, it can be hard to get out of that mindset, even once marriage has happened.
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
For most of history and still in many cultures, cohabitation was/is marriage, so it’s hard to make comparisons. In fact, weddings were originally a celebration involving transporting the bride to her new home, and all the other wonderful stuff developed around that.
Post # 8
This article makes way too many connections, that aren’t always true. I haven’t looked at the actual study yet though.
Post # 9
The study is over a decade old. I’m sure I’ve seen much more recent studies.
Post # 10
As much as I generally like the NYT, they do tend to be a little “Look we found these two people who’s situations correlate with this point we’re trying to prove! Let’s write an article about it!”. There are a million ways to spin stats. What matters is what’s right for you.
Post # 11
I got this from Slate.com: http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2012/04/16/cohabitation_does_not_lead_to_more_divorce.html
The NY Times article is based onr esearch from the 1980s (as AB Bride has pointed out). Recent studies show that there is no discernable correlation between cohabitation and divorce anymore.
Post # 12
@BothCoasts: I read the slate article too! While I haven’t looked into the stats too deeply, I find Slate’s approach to be much more realistic and in-line with what I’ve seen and what makes sense to me.
Post # 13
There is one main point in the article I agree with. “Sliding” into cohabitation and marriage probably isn’t a great idea, but really… did we need an article to tell us this? Clearly if you just move in with your SO without really discussing it and then just get married because “it’s the next step” you’re probably at a higher risk for divorce. The problem here isn’t cohabitation, it’s lack of communication. I think living together is a big decision and should be treated as such. I’ve lived with FI for 2 years and think our relationship is stronger for it. That said, I respect those that wait til marriage as well. Either way can make for a great relationship, the point is it should be and active decision between the couple (not just sliding into a situation).
Post # 14
@crayfish: couldn’t have said it better myself.
Post # 15
@msfahrenheit: It does seem more common sense, no? 🙂
Post # 16
@mrsSonthebeach: That’s a point I made to my very Christian mother when she was so upset that I was moving in with my now-fiance. In Biblical times, if you went to live with a man, he was your husband. Maybe there was some food and music, that was the “wedding.” FI and I agreed when we decided to live together that this would lead to marriage assuming we stayed happy and the relationship kept working. So to us it was step 1 towards a life together.
Most importantly – not getting divorced is not an accomplishment in itself. The goal should be to have happy, loving, functional relationships – and to know where to seek help or exit if that’s not happening anymore. I don’t think staying in a bad marriage is a greater achievement than leaving one.