Obsessions causing Relationship Distress.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@flower123:  

You’re probably going to get a lot of harsh advice from people telling you to suck it up and appreciate what you have, but it sounds like on some level you’re already very aware that this is abnormal and destructive and you’re still struggling with it. 

If you’re having repetitive, obsessive thoughts that interfere with your sleep and relationships and make you miserable, this is something to talk to a therapist about. Cognitive therapy and/or medication may help you get these uncharacteristic and intrusive thought patterns under control.

Post # 4
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I agree, my advice is therapy. Not because I think you’re too messed up for regular advice, but because I know how hard it can be to overcome obesssive, controlling thought patterns. These thoughts are not healthy, they will not make you happy, and they do indeed have the possibility of destroying your fiance’s love and trust in you. Most healthy, stable individuals are not happy to subject themselves to individuals who want to obsessively control the tiniest, most inconsequential aspects of life.

Anyway, good for you for realizing how unhealthy they are, and wanting to change – that is the first step! Second step I recommend is finding a therapist.

If that is not a possibility, I recommend three things:

1. Have a long talk with your fiance and maybe some other people close to you that you trust – your mom, a friend. Do not mention the ring or the wedding, just try to keep things general. Explain to them how you explaining to us, that you feel like you have a problem with obsessive control and it is making you unhappy. Ask them for their support. Something that might help is giving them a code word/phrase to use if they sense/think you are acting controlling or obsessive. Somehow, using a code phrase doesn’t make people feel as immediately annoyed and defensive as having someone say, “Jeez, don’t be such a control freak!” aloud.

2. Google “how to overcome obsessive control issues” and research different strategies. I’m guessing mindfulness will come up a lot. I recommend spending some time writing down different strategies to use when you feel the desire to control every little detail welling up and threatening to overwhelm you, or when you find that your mind is endlessly and obsessively looping about something as inconsequential as an engagement ring. Then put in the effort and actually USE the strategies.

3. Third recommendation is come up with your own special mental image/phrase to use immediately when you start obsessing. Something like a giant red stop sign or a shark’s face swimming straight toward you. Craft the image in your mind. Then every time you become aware that you are obsessing or being controlling, fill your mind with that image. Every time it happens.

 

Post # 5
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Yeah, you need to speak to a professional.

You also need to know that things like, “I keep thinking about it being perfect and having a bigger diamond” and “I kept thinking that he spent almost 4000.00 on a ring and it was not perfect. I didn’t get the wonderful over the top proposal” have nothing to do with love, happiness, or “perfection”. Quite honestly, it sounds like you have no idea what you want. I would say your obsession with the other ring/proposal/restaurant, etc, isn’t about needing “control” because you’re so happy, it’s about being unsure of everything and not wanting to make a mistake. As others have said, only a therapist can properly help you with this one. I’d also be open with your FI about the entire situation (and emphasiye the fact that you know you’re being unfair and want to seek help), otherwise he won’t have a chance to understand the situation and may start to have regrets of his own. Good luck, OP.

 


 

Post # 7
Member
2084 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@flower123:  You are your own worst enemy, and you are very well on your way to ruining this relationship. I think you should speak to a therapist about your obsession. 

Post # 8
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Find someone that specializes in control/obssesive disorders, you could ask your GP, provided you have one.  You are setting up to ruin your relationship and this is going to escalate.  I mean you think a proposal is rough… try wedding planning … you are going to make yourself sick, the people around you miserable, and it’s supposed to be a fun day.  You won’t have a fun day, when on your honeymoon you’re obsessing about how many things were wrong.  Please go talk to someone, he sounds like a great guy with alot of patience but he’s human, and he deserves to have fun planning a proposal, picking his girl a ring and looking forward to life with you.  Hang in there it’s not like your a closet axe murderer you just need some help. 

Post # 9
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You may have gone to the wrong doctor, or you may not have gone long enough. I hope you are able to find someone that you can talk to that will help you. I think you realize you need help (I am a big believer that at some point, all of us do), and that it is really brave of you to admit it. That is a big step. Just realizing there is a problem and seeking help is often the biggest step. Good luck to you.

Post # 10
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

Yep, you need to talk to a therapist. Concur with the other bees on this. Find one who specializes in obsessive/compulsive/control disorders. Be open to cognitive behaviorial therapy and/or medications.

Tell your fiance that you’re doing this because you recognize that your thoughts and behaviors are irrational. It’ll give him some peace of mind to know that you’re taking action to address it. He does sound like an incredibly patient guy, but this isn’t in his realm to fix, and frankly I don’t think you can do it on your own.

Good luck. This is going to take a lot of work. You’re brave for sharing it here.

Post # 11
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Therapy. Hands down. Go.

Post # 12
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@flower123:  

It sounds like this is really about changing your own thoughts. Your fiance is right is the sense that people would love to have what you have. Whenever something bothers you try to decide if it is really worth the stress that it is causing you and if you will even think of it in 2 months, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years… etc. I try to remind myself how I make others feel when they can’t live up to my expectations and the pressure that puts on them. In any situation try to think of what you can be thankful for even when you are upset. It will take time but eventually the positive thoughts replace the negative thoughts. The one thing I suggest trying to think of is to try to deal with second guessing yourself. I do it too but unfortunately it is just going to cause extra stress so instead of replaying everything just try thinking that you made the best decision you could at the time and remember that you could be in the same position if you would have chose the other ring. Maybe this will help you to move forward.

Post # 13
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@flower123:  I second the finding a professional to go through your obsessive thoughts with.

Also, refrain from searching to pour over other people’s weddings/proposals/rings. This just adds to your already full head.

Perhaps have a personal challenge:

1. Every day, write down one thing that you love about your fiance or your relationship in a journal.

2. Think about what you are looking forward to experiencing as a married couple

3. Express your love for him to him aloud.

This may help to train your brain to focus on your relationship and the wonderful commitment you two are making rather than the material aspects of a wedding.

 

And if you can’t do this without help, please consult a trained therapist.

Post # 15
Member
284 posts
Helper bee

Glad to see you’re going to go to therapy. This is a great first step. Have these obsessions developed recently (i.e. when you began ring shopping)? Are they only wedding-related, or do they extend to other areas of your life? I would suggest doing a “wedding detox” of sorts… don’t go on Pinterest, don’t click on ring porn on WB, maybe avoid WB altogether while you sort this out. I feel you – it’s hard not to try for absolute perfection in such an exciting time. But your fiance is the most important thing right now. You have something no one else in the whole world has: Him, and the great relationship you have with him. Focus on what’s really important…the wedding is important, but it’s the beginning of a lifelong committment and marriage. The reception is fun, but entirely unneccesary. Your engagement ring is nice, but it’s a ring to symbolize your love. All of us Bees WANT these things to be perfect. But the only thing that truly matters is our men. I would suggest focusing all of your efforts on him and on making him the happiest man on earth for the next few weeks, and see if these other things begin to fall into place. It’s amazing what focusing on someone else can do for the soul 🙂 Good luck, OP!!

ETA: By focusing on your fiance, you’re focusing on making your future marriage the best it could possibly be, which really is the end goal in the first place 🙂

Post # 16
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

I used to have anxiety problems and issues with obsession, and my therapist recommended this book called “Stop Obsessing!: How to Overcome Obsessions and Compulsions”

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Obsessing-Overcome-Obsessions-Compulsions/dp/0553381172

It’s a hard thing to do, but the trick is to learn to control your own thoughts. One trick she taught me is to reserve time to obsess. For example, you are only allowed to obsess from 5:30 to 6pm every other day. Then you know you don’t have to think about it now, you have a scheduled time to think about it.

Good luck!

 

 

 

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