obsessive thoughts not letting my enjoy my relationship

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
1248 posts
Bumble bee

you dont need to talk to someone about it- you need to talk to your BF about it. Tell him you keep thinking about how he told you he used to fake it with the other girl. Tell him it makes you insecure that maybe he does that with you & you just want reassurance he enjoys his time with you. OR you trust what he’s already told you! If you have no reason to distrust him, then believe him. This is not something to harp on. If he was faking with you, I doubt he would have told you he did it with someone else. Relax!

Post # 4
42166 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

nonymouse:  Is this a problem for you in any other area of your life? Do you have a mental health diagnosis? Are you on medications? Do you have  physician or therapist?

Post # 5
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

You just have to trust him and trust that the relationship is different. Encourage him to talk to you and be open about things and maybe bring up him saying that about the fling and just say I want you to be able to tell me anything and I don’t want you to feel like you would ever have to fake it with me. I know I treat my boyfriend different than I did my ex and that I am a different person. Maybe its the same for you where you can remind yourself that yes this happened before but it was a different girl and a different relationship and that you did things different in the past with a different guy and in a different relationship. If you expect him to trust and think that you are different with him then you should trust him and think things are different now

Post # 6
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

You are concerned that you aren’t pleasing your BF, there is nothing wrong with that. You talked to him and he reasured you that you were. I don’t think you need a big psych eval, but instead try communicating with him and about what he likes and doesn’t like, might make you feel moreconfident.

Post # 8
42166 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

nonymouse:  We might need to agree to disagree. I don’t think this is normal thought pattern.

Post # 10
351 posts
Helper bee

Communication is key! I tend to have obsessive thoughts as well & SO made the mistake of oversharing a few details from his previous relationship with me at the beginning of our relationship. Needless to say that was a huge mistake!

Obsessive thoughts are the worse & they can definitely ruin relationships, they almost ruined mine because I became so resentful at SO for telling me even though I knew he had no fault. I explained it all to him & he understood & was very patient through my “thought healing process”. Everytime I felt the thoughts getting the best of me he gave me space & then we talked it over, that helped a tremendous amount in getting all my feelings out instead of bottling them all in. Eventually the thoughts & this process became less frequent & here we are nearly four years into out relationship, very content & thought free!

Figure out a process that might help you. Your SO may not want to talk about it over & over like in my process (I think this was easier with my SO because he’s a psych major so he comprehends better what goes on in that crazy mind of mine lol). Maybe you could write down all your feelings & remind yourself that it’s all in the past, you’re his presnt & future, it doesn’t & shouldn’t matter anymore, then get rid of all you wrote & you’ll have a clean fresh slate staring back at you as reminder that you should just rid the thoughts of your mind & focus on the “clean fresh slate” which is the current relationship at hand.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do & if you need someone to talk to or just listen my inbox is always open 🙂


Post # 12
3433 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was actually from a porn star (long story, but she’s a great friend of mine!) You are responsible for your own orgasm.  

Plain and simple, if he’s not enjoying things enough to climax, and isn’t saying something about it, that’s on HIM.  The sign of a healthy relationship is communication, do you talk about each of your likes and dislikes? Do you try new things? Does he initiate as much as you do? If the answers to these questions is “yes” then you have nothing to worry about. 

If you have a healthy relationship and you trust your parner, then trust him to TALK to you if something isn’t going right.  Otherwise, relax and focus on your own pleasure! 


Also, just a side note, but similar to a woman, men don’t always HAVE to climax to have fun.  I know it’s a neat “ending” for most couples, but there have been plenty of times that his finishing or not has nothing to do with the timing or enjoyment of our fun.  

Post # 14
27 posts

Honey, you don’t have a problem believe me, if I told you what our problems are in the bedroom you’d be clapping at how good your intimate life is lol

The truth is that men shouldn’t tell us much about their past because we do tend to obsess. It sounds like he is not lying and couldn’t foresee that situation with you or else he wouldn’t have told you about it to begin with!

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