Post # 1
My SO and I have some unusual sleeping arrangements. It worries me a LOT sometimes, to the point where we have disagreements and I cry about it. So, I feel like I desperately need reassurance that it’s not THAT weird and that things are ok.
My SO and I have lived together for over two years… and we have separate bedrooms. Let me explain. We are very poor grad students, and we live with other roommates as we simply can’t afford to live alone at this time and in this city. When we first moved in together, we tried to share a bedroom, but for various reasons found it wouldn’t work. We have very different sleep and work schedules for one thing… I’m a morning person, and SO doesn’t go to bed til at least 2 most nights. He stays up gaming or working and I can’t sleep with the computer on. Also, I’m a super light sleeper, and he is a thrasher, lol. Neither of us ends up sleeping well, and this can be pretty diasastrous given our stressful student lifestyle. We feel like a much bigger bed may someday solve this, but we definately can’t afford it anytime soon. So, that status quo is that we spend time together in my bed before I go to sleep (sex, cuddling, reading to each other, whatever) and then he goes back to his room.
Anyway, I feel really insecure about this a lot of the time. I feel like this is a sign that something is “wrong” with us, but although SO has been understanding of my feelings, he feels that for him, it’s just not that big a deal. His attitude is pretty much, “We’re asleep anyway, who cares where! It’s not quality time or anything.” I have made comments about living with him “for real” in the future (ie. we have our own place with plenty of room to put computers in an office, plenty of room to spread out when we need space, and ONE bedroom) and it seemed to make him sad when I put it that way. But I really do feel that way – I won’t be satisfied until we live together in my vie of how a couple should. I know there’s no such thing as “normal” or “should” but the way things are just makes me so unhappy that I can’t help irrationally feeling that way, on some level. Is this crazy?
Post # 3
My DH often sleeps on the couch because he doesn’t really like covers and he likes having the TV on. I can’t sleep with the TV on.
I see no problem with it unless it’s hurting your sex life or if it really seriously bothers you. But like you said you tried it together and it doesn’t work. Don’t worry about it.
Lucy and Ricky had separate beds too! 😀
Post # 4
Some of the happiest, well-adjusted couples I know sleep in separate bedrooms for some of the same reasons you mentioned. I’m sorry you feel like there’s something wrong with it, because you shouldn’t! My husband’s grandparents lived in separate sides of a duplex for years before they moved into their retirement community and now still live in separate bedrooms – they’ve been married over 50 years and are perfectly happy!
If you’re truly unhappy with the situation, then have a serious talk about it with your SO. If you’re just unhappy because you think it isn’t normal, I wouldn’t try to change what works for you guys as a couple. It’s more normal than you think. 🙂
Post # 5
Thank you very much for your replies <3 It really helps to just know I’m not the only one!
Post # 6
There’s nothing wrong with you guys. I think a lot of women sometimes even wish their husbands could have their own bed because of snoring and other gross/annoying sleeping habits. I wouldn’t worry about it. As long as you guys know you both want to share a bed down the road (or you both may decide you hate sleeping in the same bed), then it’s all good!
Post # 7
Haha, goodness no. How long did y’all try to share the same bedroom? It was a few months before we figured it out. DH goes to bed promptly at 10, and wakes up at 5:30. I usually stay up (if left alone) until 5am, and wake up at 11am. When we got married, I would go to bed with him, and read until I got tired. Then after a little while, I started waking up with him (still sooo hard), which made me tired earlier.
Also, I find I don’t wake up whenever he does, anymore. I used to be such a light sleeper, but now that I share my room, I’m starting to sleep through his moving around in the morning. Until he shakes me to wake up.
It just takes time, and with your different work schedules, there’s not much incentive to change your sleep schedules. You’ll figure it out, but there’s nothing wrong with what you do now.
Post # 8
I think this is a lot more common than you might think. As long as you’re getting the physical contact time that you need (cuddling, intimacy, etc), sleeping apart is fine. My grandparents sleep in separate bedrooms and it works great for them!
Post # 9
We have the exact same sleeping issues you do, and here’s what we did:
1. No computers in the bedroom. Those stay in the living/dining area, always.
2. We got a memory foam mattress, and upsized to a king sized bed. There are a ton of great options that are waaaaaay cheaper than Tempurpedic! I can’t feel him moving around at night anymore and it doesn’t wake me up!
3. We sleep with separate blankets – it keeps him from stealing all the covers when he rolls around!
Separate bedrooms may be the answer, but it might be worth trying to banish the computer to the common area, and try the separate blankets. If you think the memory foam mattress would be the last piece of the pussle to get you in the same bedroom, then you could rent out that extra bedroom and save more money!
Post # 10
Oh, and we wake and go to bed at totally different times, too, but that has never been an issue as we prep the night before. I lay my clothes out so that I can leave the bedroom to get ready, he lays his cell phone cord, etc out so that he doesn’t have to fumble in the dark after i’ve gone to bed.
Post # 11
oh i think it is far more common than you think. As long as there is regular cuddles and, eh, relations, i wouldn’t worry.
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
Many couples sleep separate their entire lives. DH and I had separate rooms until we got married. I wouldn’t worry about it. Do what works for you without overanalyzing and thinking that it means anything about your relationship.
Post # 13
Seriously DH and I would probably have these same issues except we’re lucky enough to have a king size bed. You said it yourself, once you grow out of this apartment and this stage in your life and you have more room to put things like computers and you have a bigger bed some of what you’re feeling insecure about will probably just dissipate. If he’s a thrasher, you may not feel him if you’re all the way in the other bed. For different reasons than sleep issues, DH and I have a king size bed frame but actually use two twin XL mattresses in the frame, so we technically have two separate beds so if he’s being really annoying I can crawl over into mine and we don’t really feel each other. Although that’s not why we have this arrangement, it’s an added bonus. I wouldn’t worry about this right now while you’re both students. It may feel “weird” sometimes but your school work is your priority right now and if his sleeping habits, etc. are going to interfere with the rest you need to peform and be successful than I would be grateful that you’re able to still live together, yet have what you need to function, at the same time.
Post # 14
There was an article about this in the NY Times a while ago: To Have, Hold and Cherish, Until Bedtime
It’s common enough that some home builders build in dual master bedrooms!
Post # 15
Thanks for the ideas everyone! I have definitely though about that sticking-two-twin-beds-together idea, ever since I saw that arrangement at the house of a friend. Absolutely awesome, so spacious! And yes, definitely looking into memory foam, as we probably won’t be able to afford a king-size bed for a good few years.
Yeah, my grandparents and some older family friends (we’ve stayed at their house so I know this) have separate bedrooms, but I always though it was because they were, well, older to be blunt. I thought there was something “wrong” because we’re young and healthy and have a good sex life – well I guess I just proved myself wrong by saying that 🙂 This woory is coming form me a little, and also a little from friends who have made comments about it being odd or “doesn’t it bother you?” Guess I shouldn’t listen to them. Thanks everyone!
Post # 16
Me & FI had those same issues when we had our apartment in college! Exept we just had one possible bedroom so we had to suck it up. Now that we have a house though, its not a problem. I usually go to bed before him, and he can stay up in another room on his computer or playing video games. We have a larger bed now too, with a memory foam mattress. We never wake each other up anymore 🙂 There is nothing wrong with you guys! And I totally understand how you feel about having your own place.. I felt the same way too. I was so happy to not have roomates anymore!