(Closed) # of times we have sex/week, decreased libido

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mrshollinger:  I don’t have any advice, but I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone. You basically described my situation with my FI. Our sex life was fantastic for probably the first three years of our relationship, then for the last year and some I’ve just been not into it. Sigh.

I’ve done a lot of research, because its something that greatly bothers me, as well. (I’ve actually been worried that FI won’t want to marry me in case it never gets better. 🙁 ) I’ve learned a few things, the main one being that decreasing libido in women is sadly really common. Like 50 per cent of women report it, common. I’ve stumbled upon some pills or something, I think it was called Pandora, that you can buy online or in sex shops (not my thing — too shy) that supposedly will help. I haven’t tried them so I can’t comment.

The other prevalent theme in all this research is that, and I’m sure you’re aware, a woman’s sexuality is really connected to how she feels about herself. Any body image issues, self confidence issues (which I have – I recently lost my job due to cuts and I feel like a huge failure and financial drain on our relationship), that kind of thing, can really make a woman disinterested. Try to reconnect with yourself. You know how they say to girls who are desperate for a boyfriend that you can’t love anyone if you don’t love yourself? I think the same thing applies for sex. Just because we’re in committed relationships, we forget that we need to spend time loving ourselves the same way we love our FI, if that makes sense? Go get your nails done. Get a fab new haircut. Go for a run. (Or pick a different hobby – running has helped me a lot in the past with stress / sadness / body image issues, and I’m trying to get back into it in hopes it will help this issue as well.)

Lastly, if you have any health issues, get those checked out too. I have constantly infected tonsils, and I also suffer from IBS (unrelated to the tonsils lol) and it really does a number on my energy level. I’m waiting for a tonsilectomy and I have to really watch what I eat and my stress levels or I’m just useless and exhausted.

Good luck, and I hope some other bees have better advice. 🙁

Post # 4
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@mrshollinger:  Go see a doctor first of all. This could be a hormonal thing. Did you go on the pill or switch pill brands recently? My libido definitely went down after switching brands a few months ago.

This could just be a mental thing. Maybe a therapist could help? It sounds like you’re way less confident.. I can relate! I too put on weight since being in this relationship.

Try exercise. I am finding that it’s helping my confidence.

Also don’t beat yourself up when you’re not in the mood.

Try ‘playing’ with yourself… maybe see if that helps. Like when your guy isn’t home, there’s no pressure etc. and you can experiment w. toys or something and maybe get back into that turned on state.

Post # 7
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@mrshollinger:  

Do you feel like you might be depressed? You should speak with a therapist.

Post # 8
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mrshollinger:

Please do go see a healthcare provider. I’ve been thinking about doing the same, and it gives me some confidence to know that someone else is doing it too LOL.

In terms of the not wanting to go to the gym thing, I don’t know how your diet is but I do think that even without exercise, eating right will take the pounds off. Might not be as quick, but losing weight is all about calories in and out and all that jazz.

Best of luck and if you ever want to someone who’s in the same boat, PM me. I’m praying it gets better for both of us (and our FIs).

Post # 9
Member
1831 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mrshollinger:  

@californiaraisin:  Thank you both for being so open and honest. I’m in this situation as well. I recently had a conversation with my husband about it. I love him to death and truly think hes the sexiest guy ever, it’s not that I’m not attracted to him. I just don’t crave/need sex like I used to. I need contact and closeness, but not actual sex. And I feel worse with pressure from society on me. I feel like I’m supposed to want sex 24/7, but that is just not me. I don’t know what to do.

I think I’ve been going through some sort of quarter life crisis, and am seriously considering seeing someone for other emotional issues. Maybe they’d be able to help me in this regard, too.

 

ETA: literally you’re taking the words out of my mouth. I don’t like anything. I can’t bring myself to work out. I need a hobby, but I feel like I don’t have the time, motivation or resources for one. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a while.

Post # 10
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@mrshollinger:  In the same boat too. You are not alone.  We were definitely “on” for the first few years but then things sizzled a little. Looking back, I made some comments that he told me hurt his confidence in the ahem, sex area (ugh for not having a fliter sometimes).  I’m not sure how to fix things.  We both know we have to fix them together.

@September29:  +100% about sometimes not needing sex, just closeness. Is it sad that is how I feel 99% of the time?

Post # 11
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

OK…this or may or may not be your problem but if I took birth control pills this happened to me. NO sex drive. zilch. zero

I tried different ones, over the last 20 years…all the new ones, all the not so new ones and the same thing happened. 

Every single solitary one of my gynocologists would never admit this was a side effect. But it was for me and it was very real. 

A month or two after I went off of them…my sex drive would come back to normal…which is very above average.

I now use condoms. They are easiest. They dont have hormonal complications and unknown long term side effects.

I would suggest de-toxing from your hormones for a few months and see if this helps.

And yes…every single time I go to a gyno they try to ram more birth control, nuvaring, etc…down my throat as if this is the holy grail. And some of them even get angry when I wont take them. Its ridiculous. 

Just my two cents

Post # 12
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

sounds strange but try yoga: boost your libedo, exercise, and mentally/spiritually connect with yourself all at once. it’s actually enjoyable if you usually hate the gym.

ps just saw your engagement photos, and you look fantastic! But I know it’s not what other people say…it’s how you feel. Hang in there, maybe it is something with the birth control, I would stop that before trying any new perscriptions.

Post # 13
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Have you tried alcohol? I always want to have sex when I drink and it makes me feel loads better about myself and more confident!

Post # 15
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mrshollinger:  First – your sex life will always have peaks and valleys.  Even now for us, we’re married/been together 8+ years, we’ve had weeks at a time where either one of us was simply disinterested.  So don’t fret too much over this.  Second – do you masturbate on your own?  Might I suggest you masturbate, get close, but don’t actually orgasm, prior to having sex with your FI.  Third – work out.  Not too long ago (the weeks leading up to the wedding) I was stressed/anxious and had zero libido.  Exercise helped a lot.

I will also say, the more you have GOOD sex, the more you want it.  Don’t do it when you’re not in the mood.  Having mediocre sex all the time isn’t going to help you!

Finally, if all else fails, seek the help of a sex therapist!

Wishing you the best of luck!

Post # 16
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@mrshollinger:  Awe, what’s sad about that? I don’t think there is anything wrong with getting a little bit tipsy in order to enjoy your sex more. My FI loves it because he knows that when I drink he is probably going to get some and that I won’t be as reserved. I wonder why it makes him feel bad.. do you think telling him that a majority of women like sex better when they are a little bit intoxicated and that it’s nothing that he is or isn’t doing will make him feel better about it? Now to the TMI part, I also have a harder time climaxing when I’m intoxicated. In fact, I almost NEVER climax when I’m intoxicated. It’s strange how the sex can feel so much better yet it’s so much harder to climax. Why not try stimulating yourself while you’re having sex and see if you can get yourself to that point? Not to mention it would probably turn him on.

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